


Sincerely, Kai: A Case Study

by appeuro



Series: Letters From the Heart [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Drama & Romance, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love, predebut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:50:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3725983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appeuro/pseuds/appeuro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trainee Kim Jongin has finally signed an exclusive contract with the company as an idol, but he finds out that he has to undergo "terminal training" first before he can debut. He is given a journal to record all his thoughts, wishes, and fears as his first task. As Jongin becomes more attached to the journal, he becomes more attached to someone he never thought he would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Sincerely, Kai: A Case Study! This is my very first fan-fiction, so I'm sorry if it lacking. But please enjoy. Also, this is a slow fiction. 
> 
> Edit: Chapter 13 and 14 were switched by accident. Sorry! Should be fixed now.

The room was completely illuminated, awashed in an unnatural white too bright of a light. The window that almost stretched the entire length of the wall, looking out toward a Seoul that has long been abandoned by the sun, reflected only the contents inside of the room on its glass. Though the room was tiny by most standards, it was a space one could easily and quite happily call their own.

Two sets of bunk beds took up the majority of the available floor space, yet a small but sturdy wooden desk that was squeezed into one corner and a modular bookcase riddled with junk in another fought for the remaining floor space. There were clothes bursting from several duffel bags and more items were peeking out from half open suitcases that were haphazardly sticking out from under beds. The lack of unpacking was not due to the lack of space, it was just that everyday felt like it could be your last, so home no longer seemed so far away. Toiletries and knick-knacks were scattered on top of the bookcase and several cords for electronics crisscrossed the room. How one managed to get from one side of the room to the other without greeting the floor with their face remained a complete mystery.

And although the room was too small for four growing boys, one could easily tell that they had tried their best to create a sort of home away from home. There were pictures of smiling faces of who one can assume were those of parents, siblings, and friends from back home adorning every wall, frame, and shelf,  hung up to keep themselves from feeling too alone.  
  
From an outsider’s perspective, the room smelled distinctly of male youth. The smell of sweat and clothes several days pass needing a wash, all enclosed in a fine layer of cheap cologne, permeated the space. To the boys, the room smelled like a dream. Well, one dream in particular, and maybe the biggest dream they had ever had—-the dream of debuting in one of Korea’s biggest entertainment companies. All of the boys had denounced a carefree and rambunctious youth for this dream. And as you can imagine, for a dream of this magnitude, their privacy was the least they could have offered to the company's alter as a sacrifice. At least that is what they had been told to tell themselves.

Four ambitious boys, among many others, chose to live in one of the dorm rooms the company leased out to their trainees. It wasn’t ideal, but the convenience of being close to the company’s training facilities outweighed the cons of cramming into a room made for one with four other strangers. It wasn’t so bad though. An empty dorm was not a rare occurrence and it was even encouraged because it meant that you’re dreaming and getting closer and closer to waking up and living it.

So, between school, training lessons, and part-time jobs, one usually only found themselves in the room when necessary, such as to sleep, and sometimes not even for that because most tended to pass out on the nearest sofa, wherever that might have been. Tonight, however, one of the dorm’s residents had chosen his bed. He was sitting upon said bed, one of two bottom bunks. He believed he was afforded the luxury of a bottom bunk because he happened to be skilled at rock, paper, scissors, but deep down he knew it all came down to luck. And still, he’d never consider himself lucky if you had asked him directly.

The covers on his bed were scattered about and there was a teddy bear tucked into one corner up against the wall. He didn’t have many pictures tacked on his wall space because he didn’t want to yearn too much, or have longing come and carry him back home. So, instead, he had posters of his favorite idols, like Michael Jackson, beside his head at night. He only wanted his dreams to fill his head as he fell asleep, and although being away from home became unbearable at times, he had, long ago, turned his back on the past in order to face the future.

The figure on the bed, composed of long limbs enhanced by sun-kissed skin, resembled that of poised exhaustion, as if he welcomed the pain and discomfort that came with a day of nonstop exertion. Lying in bed, he hid from the glaring light above, and he replayed in his head the actions of the day. He wore his hard work proudly, and the look of hidden determination adorned every feature on his face, from his big, almond shaped eyes with toasty brown orbs that shyly peered out from behind a curtain of long dark eyelashes, to the sharpest of jawlines, softened by a full set of pink lips, especially when stretched into a breathtaking smile.

The figure was not smiling though. His lips were set into the thinnest of lines. He was looking intensely at a fairly large, thick leather bound book, a journal of some sort. The journal looked heavy, stiff, intimidating, like it could hold the meaning of life within its very pages. It was made of soft black leather, but lacked the warmth and comfort that came from years of use. The book didn’t have any markings on its cover nor its spine, and a glint of silver that bound the front and back cover showed that the object was fitted with a lock of some sort, adding to its dark and mysterious origin.

The figure, hidden under the cover of shadow, flipped and turned the object about in his hands, seemingly pondering the journal’s very existence. Intensely, he stared the journal down, demanding it give him answers, but failing to realize that it had no answers he, himself, couldn’t provide.  

 


	2. One

It is safe to say Kim Jongin was born to dance. As a young boy, he’d observe and mimic the flashy dance moves on television and would put on dance shows for his family during gatherings. When that was no longer enough to satiate his innate compulsion, he begged his parents to allow him to take dance lessons as a student. And at the age of 10, he saw a movie that seemed to reflect his own story as a young boy, and this inspired him to pursue a career as a ballerino.

So, while his friends and classmates played soccer and talked about girls, he listened and danced alone to the music accompanying his life. No one could shut the music off, not even him, and so, it did not come as a surprise to anyone that he would be a dance trainee at an entertainment company; it was only a matter time.

Despite dedicating his life to art, Jongin lived quite methodically, even as a child. He had always been on the cautious and serious side. He was a firm believer in hard work and persistence, and everything in his life served to validate that. He wasn’t the type to let his dreams and desires sit inside his head or heart. He was never satisfied until he saw them right before his very eyes.

And although he was surrounded by hundreds of trainees with dreams identical to his, Jongin wasn't a social butterfly. He was respectful to his seniors and interacted with other trainees when needed, and he even had a few close friends, but he would much rather spend his time perfecting his craft so that he was prepared when it was his turn to shine. He did not believe in luck, he believed in preparation. To get what one wants, they needed only to be prepared, and he would tell you that there was nothing in his life to speak against that.

And although Jongin might initially come off as cold and calculating, the few who had found a way pass the massive wall lying just beneath his surface, found him to be in possession of one of the warmest hearts among trainee hopefuls. It wasn’t that he was trying to be someone he wasn't; it was just that he had learned that nothing good came from wearing your heart on your sleeve.

He was shy, sensitive, and very dedicated to his work, which quite naturally had caused misunderstandings among the other trainees. His quiet but firm refusals to go to the sauna or out for bubble tea after practices were taken as harsh rejections, as him separating himself from the others, because he believed himself to be superior to them. Therefore, naturally, Jongin retreated. He retreated into his shell, into the dance studio that held his world, a world apart from those who failed to try to understand him.

He had learned early on that one of the hardest things for a trainee was not the gruesome schedule; it was the staying out of the web of trainee politics. When the competitive atmosphere was thick enough to suffocate a person, it was inevitable for the majority of its victims to always be on the defensive.

True friendships _did_ bloom, but they wilted just as fast, so no one held their breath, especially Jongin. He had learned to keep his arms out, not only to distance himself from others but to catch himself in case he fell. There was always someone willing to push another down in order to lift themselves up. He was fine with that, though, because he had convinced himself, quite successfully, that he had not joined the company to make friends; he had joined to dance, and as long as he was granted that, he would be okay.

He was most proud of the fact that he wasn’t scouted on the streets of Seoul for the chance to enter the company; he auditioned. Therefore, he was convinced he had worked hard for his spot, and he would never let anyone take that away from him. He had lost a chance to debut once, with the boy-band SHINee, but he was determined not to let it happen again.

His sheer determination and willpower had earned him an ounce of respect among some of the trainees in the company, which had helped him stay out of trouble for the most part, but Jongin didn't need respect, he just needed an opportunity, an opportunity to show the people who mattered that he was ready to debut, that dancing was what he was born to do, that he was ready to step out of the shadows and into the sun. Jongin had lost himself to his dreams, but I don’t think he would have wanted to live his life any other way.

And so, there he was on his bottom bunk bed staring at the journal, pondering its usefulness, and ruminating over the flurry of words spoken to him during a meeting with a member of management. The scene emerged from his memory in extreme clarity.

+

Jongin knocked timidly on the frosted glass door and was promptly called into the office. The office was spacious in almost every way. The entire back wall was made of glass overlooking Seoul, the walls and carpet were of the purest white, and the occupant’s massive desk was made of tempered glass with a pretty greenish-blue tint. There were a few art pieces that Jongin was sure must have cost a small fortune, and there was an entire wall dedicated to displaying various awards and certificates.

Jongin felt his heart speed up a few beats, almost as if it were attempting to short circuit itself. He managed a shaky breath, providing him with just enough courage to fully enter the bright place as he closed the door behind him. He didn't feel worthy enough to enter such a place, but he entered anyway. He had to.

The occupant was a woman in her mid-thirties. Jongin was sure he had never seen her before, not even when he signed his contract with the company a week or so ago. She was as pale as the carpet and her face as sharp as the green-ish blue glass her hands rested upon. He could see that she was wearing a pristine white suit, which contrasted greatly with her long, straight jet black hair and blood red lipstick on thin lips. If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought she was one of the vampires he had seen on television or that she was something just as dangerous.

Jongnin bowed to her immediately as she stood to direct him to a huge white leather couch in the middle of the office. She briskly, with an air of confidence, walked over to the couch adjacent to the one Jongin was directed to sit on. He sat timidly on the plush cushion, and the woman also took her seat across from him. The smell of her sickly, sweet perfume overwhelmed his hypersensitive senses.

She sat down a manila folder and proceeded to pour water from a frosted pitcher into a small glass. She offered Jongin a glass of water with a small smile, stretching her thin lips even thinner, if that was even possible. He took a sip, out of courtesy, and sat the glass gently down on the table. She smiled again, showing perfect, straight white teeth this time, pleased with herself. Jongin wasn't sure how to respond to the gesture but before he made up his mind to say something, she began to talk.

“Mr. Kim, we’d like to say congratulations once again, and that we are overjoyed you have chosen to sign an exclusive contract with us as one of our newest idols.”

Her voice sounded almost mechanical, like she had said the exact same words many times before.

“My name is Park Seah. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so many good things about you,” she continued, a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes forming on her face.

Jongin, dumbstruck, feigned a small smile, and taking his response as a cue to go on, she did.

“Of course, I’d like to make it clear that at this point, there aren’t any definite dates as to the specifics and logistics of your debut. However, now that you’ve signed a contract with us, it is guaranteed that you will debut as a member of our next boy-band, and as you were informed, your contract is valid as of today.”

Jongin knew he should feel elated by the news, and he was, but his heart was pounding, and he was sure she could hear it. He had dreamt of that moment a million times before, of signing an exclusive contract, and contacting his family to finally say he would debut, _for real_ this time. However, something didn't feel right, and for once in his life, he didn't feel prepared, even though that is what he had been doing day in and day out for three years.

 “You’ve been working more specifically with several of our staff members and various trainees over the past year preparing for a possible group debut, and we see that you’ve been handling the examinations fairly well. All of the evaluations that have been reported back to us from our coaches and instructors have been nothing but outstanding. So, on behalf of the entire staff, I’d like to announce that from now, until the time you debut, you’ll be undergoing what we call ‘terminal training’.”

Jongin paled at the word ‘terminal’, and Seah sensing his panicked state, quickly grabbed him back from the ledge.

“It’s not as scary as it sounds,” she continued in a surprisingly warm tone.

“This training just focuses more specifically on your personality and interpersonal skills, while also challenging your skills as a dancer and singer. We are interested in seeing how well you communicate and interact with others because personality and image is very important as an idol, and we want to make sure that on top of being physically ready for debut, you are mentally and emotionally ready as well. If you agree to begin terminal training, we’d like to explain more of what is expected of you.  If you do not want to begin terminal training or would like to postpone it, we will amend your current contract, voiding it until further notice.”

Upon hearing the word ‘void’, Jongin pulled himself out of the shell he had retreated into and so, as to not give her any unnecessary doubts, he did not hesitate to answer in agreement of beginning the final stage of training. This was the moment he had been waiting for. He wasn't going to let ‘terminal training’ or whatever that was stand in his way. He hadn't let anything stand between him and his dreams before, and he wouldn't now.

“I’m glad that you want to begin terminal training, Jongin,” Seah commented, opening the manila folder she had sat down on the shiny white coffee table between them. “Let me briefly go over what is required and expected of you, and then I’d be glad to answer any questions you may have,” she continued absentmindedly.

"Terminal training is only offered to trainees that we are sure will debut with us within three years, and through a series of assessments and evaluations, we observe the trainees’ interpersonal skills, personality, and ability to adapt to social situations. Such tests might include working with fellow trainees on various exclusive projects, which I am sure you are familiar with already, conducting mock interviews, and seeing our in-house psychologists and counselors. Once we believe we’ve gathered enough information, we then begin the process of formulating possible groups and images for the new idol.”

Seah finally looked up from her papers to gauge Jongin’s reaction to her next words.

“Therefore, successful completion of terminal training and for you to be placed in a healthy and encouraging environment depends entirely on your honesty. All we are asking from you, at this point, is to continue working as hard as you have been, and just be yourself. It may be tempting to act how you think we want our idols to act, but that behavior will only hurt you in the end. I know that this is very overwhelming, and so, I do not expect you to answer right now, but do you have any questions for me, Jongin?”

Jongin thought for a moment. He had never been the most outgoing or social person, but how hard could it be? He hadn’t planned for this “terminal training” crap, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to see how necessary it was. Jongin involuntarily shuddered at the thought of debuting in a group with one of the trainees he had grown to dislike over the years. He also cringed at the idea of being given a cute image, the thought of  _aegyo_  agitating the already irritated butterflies inside. So, shaking the daymares from his head, Jongin replied most timidly that he didn’t have any questions and quietly anticipated what she would say next.

“Okay! Remember, you are always free to contact your counselor if you do happen to have any questions but from now on, you are considered a terminal trainee. Now, your public status will remain that of a regular trainee, and on the outside it will seem like nothing has changed. You will remain in the trainee dorms, will continue to use the trainee facilities, and will interact with the same trainees you have been interacting with. The only difference is that you will be attending more meetings than usual. The only people who will know of your new status are instructors, coaches, management, and your counselor. If you divulge any of this information to anyone else, your contract will be terminated immediately. Is that understood?”

Jongin understood. He understood that he would be scrutinized more than ever, and if he was honest with himself, he really didn't mind. He wanted to be seen. He wanted to be taken seriously, and so, he, a bit more forceful, replied that he understood her loud and clear.

“Good. I hope you can see why we’d ask you to keep your new status a secret. We’d like to keep any unnecessary fighting between trainees to a minimum.”

She paused for a moment, before continuing.

“Okay, Jongin, since you’ve agreed to become a terminal trainee, we’d like to give you your first assignment. This is one of the most important and probably the most difficult assignments you’ll be given as a terminal trainee, so please listen carefully.”

Seah handed him a leather-bound journal with a key hanging from it that Jongin, up until this point, had believed to be some kind of top secret planner. Seeing the puzzled look on his face, she immediately proceeded to explain.

“This journal will basically become an extension of your thoughts. You are required to write in this journal at least three times a week for the duration of your training, and it is in your best interest to do so. As an idol, you will have to learn to manage your emotions and think well before you speak. We’d hate to see your career end before it has even begun because you’ve said something you shouldn’t have, now would we?”

“You will write whatever you want in this journal, but especially every troubling thought, desire, and doubt. By doing so, you will be minimizing the likelihood of them coming out when you least expect it. We do not want to see this kind of behavior displayed in public. It will not do you any favors,” she continued sternly.

She smiled reassuringly, however, after seeing a flicker of fear in Jongin’s eyes, or maybe she had heard his heart skip a beat.

“The journal must remain a secret. No one is to know where or who it has come from. You will return it the administrator’s office by midnight whenever you have the journal in your possession, and from there it will be locked in one of the safes.”

She paused a moment to let the new information sink in before continuing. 

"You are required to schedule a time to pick up the journal at least three days a week. You may pick the journal up at any time, but you must return the journal by midnight. No one should have access to or read the contents of this journal but you, and so, we trust that you will use it as intended.”

Jongin finally found his voice to ask her what would happen if he lost the journal, and surprised at the interruption, Seah floundered for a moment before regaining her composure.

“Losing the journal, even if stolen, results in immediate termination. Responsibility is of the utmost importance, and the lack thereof will not be tolerated. Any other questions?"

The bluntness of her words had effectively shut Jongin up. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know anything more. And so, after seeing the small shake of his head, she continued as before.

“Management will not read your journal, nor will any of your instructors or coaches. This journal is for you, only you. Please take care of it, and use it as intended. We’d all be devastated if you were to mess up now. We are all rooting for you, Jongin. All of us want to see you succeed.”

And with that, she closed the manila folder.

“Do you have any questions about the journal, Jongin?”

Jongin, in a daze, managed to slowly shake his head  _no_  for what seemed to be the umpteenth time. He wanted this, but he thought about how he had gotten this far by ignoring his emotions. So, how was he to face them now, now, when it mattered the most? A thought briefly crossed his mind, and Jongin finding that he did have one more question, mustered up the last bit of courage to ask what was to be done with the journal once finished with terminal training. Not expecting any more questions, the woman thought for a moment before speaking.

“Well, you can keep it for yourself and continue to write in it, you can grant permission to one of our in house psychologist to analyze it for ongoing trainee research, or you can return it back to us, and we will destroy it. If you choose to keep the journal for yourself, you will bear all consequences for it, if we come to find out that the journal finds itself in any hands other than yours."

As if to not to end on a sour note, she continued.

“Ideally, we’d like for you to destroy it. However, most trainees continue writing in some form of a journal even after debut, as it becomes habitual. However, terminal training is specifically designed for you to not need to manage your emotions so consciously once you’ve debuted. Anything else I can answer for you?”

Jongin didn't dare probe anymore. To say he was overwhelmed was an understatement and Seah sensing this, quickly wrapped things up.

“Alright, Jongin, it has been my pleasure, and once again, congratulations on officially joining the company. Remember, don’t hesitate to ask any questions on what is expected of you as a terminal trainee, but your safest bet is to just continue on as you have been.”

Jongin managed a small smile and thank you before getting up to leave on shaky legs. He bowed to her and thanked her once more before briskly walking, almost running, out of the room. Although the office was much larger than his dorm room, he felt like he was suffocating. His hands were clammy, as he gripped his new possession tightly, and his legs were weak from exhaustion from a day at the studio and also at the possibility of finally embarking on the beginning of the end.

+

Jongin rested the journal on his stomach as the memory finally came to an end. He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh, but it failed to alleviate the heaviness he felt in his heart. He thought he was ready for this, but was he? Could he really do this? He fingered the smooth leather journal and the coolness of the metal clasp emitted a small voltage of electricity. Jongin jerked, snatching his hand back in shock, knocking the journal to the floor.

He really didn't care though because a fresh wave of exhaustion washed over his laxed form, and so, reaching down from the bed, he roughly swept the journal into the darkness below, where he was sure no one would see it. He then mechanically set his alarm clock for 10:00 p.m., hoping a bit of sleep would clear his mind.

He drifted off to images of warm smiles, bright lights, and the glass of water on Seah’s coffee table that he most desperately wanted to drink, but was so sure he would vomit the moment it came into contact with his aching throat.

Jongin thought of anything he could as dreamland approached, anything but the journal. 


	3. Two

Jongin groaned at the sound of his alarm, the same sound he had been waking up to for three years now. He shifted, searching for the blaring culprit that had taken to burrowing itself somewhere within his sheets. When he found it, grasping the cold hunk of metal, he squinted at the harsh, bright LCD screen. Effectively turning the alarm off, Jongin laid his head back down onto the pillow, hoping the fog in his mind cleared before attempting to get up.

Flashes of earlier that day crossed his mind, and he remembered why he woke up in the first place. He reluctantly got out of bed, feet stinging at the contact with the cold, hard wooden floor, and legs burning from prolong inertia. Looking at the other beds, he noticed that the room was completely empty, and he wondered briefly about the whereabouts of his roommates.  
  
Dismissing the emptiness, since it was not an unusual occurrence, Jongin hobbled over to one of his duffel bags, grabbing a random pair of basketball shorts, a clean, black A-shirt, his deodorant, a baseball cap, and made for the door. He walked down the dark hallway, expertly avoiding the huge bureau and occasional stray object to reach the common room, and flipped the light switch to illuminate the familiar space.

The room was bare save for a small black television along one wall with several game systems hooked up to it and the single couch, worn from years of use that had turned into a catch-all for the boy’s belongings. Jongin rummaged through the messy pile, hands finally landing on what he was searching for. He snatched the item from the ruins, jamming his belongings into his favorite drawstring backpack.  
  
He made his way to the small kitchenette. The sink was full of dishes, and a few empty containers of ramyun littered the counter. Jongin didn't mind the mess. It was usually the only indication of several lives being lived there, and the abundance of material objects often stood in for the lack of actual souls.  
  
Opening the fridge, Jongin grabbed an unopened bottle of water and made for the door. He stopped, however, as images of the journal flooded his mind. He let out an annoyed puff of air as he grudgingly sprinted back to the room.

Diving under the bed, Jongin blindly groped for the object, the back of his hand harshly smacking against the cold leather. He grimly brought the small offender out into the open. He swiftly searched the room with his eyes once more to make sure no one was around, and once he was certain he was alone, he quickly dropped the journal into his backpack, figuring he could write in it later.  
  
Jongin locked the door behind him and made his way down the dimly lit dorm hallway. The hallway was eerily quiet, not even the muffled sounds of televisions or radios could be heard. Enjoying the silence, he opted to walk the six flights of stairs down instead of using the elevator.  
  
Jongin opened the heavy glass door to a burst of chilly night air. His cheeks reddened from the sudden change of temperature, so he ducked his head a bit to shelter himself from the wind, and quickly walking down the familiar street, Jongin wove his way through the people, night owls, like himself.

He thought briefly about how they hadn't even a clue as to his impending debut or what he had been through to get to this point. A smug sense of satisfaction washed over him until he remembered his current predicament. If he didn't get through terminal training, all of his hard work would be for naught. The thought of possibly failing to complete terminal training had the smug smile slipping from his lips and something akin to defiance took its place, and without looking at any one in particular, he took the familiar route to the training building.

Jongin automatically slowed as he neared the place, stopping in front of the family owned convenience store he had been frequenting for years. He entered the cramped, dimly lit place, the owner, an older lady, looked up from the small television she was watching. She smiled at the familiar face, her eyes resembling that of crescent moons.

"Aigoo, Jongin-ah!? Why? You should know better not to be outside without a jacket in this weather, hmm!?”

Jongin smiled bashfully at the outburst of concern. Her words echoed that of his mother, and a pang of yearning flooded his chest.

“Aigoo, you poor thing! Here, let me pour you some tea,” she said, grabbing a small electric tea kettle.

Jongin methodically made his way to her counter, shimmying through closely spaced isles, nearly bumping into the smattering of boxes of merchandise on the floor. He had come to enjoy the company of the owner. Her own children were off somewhere taking care of families of their own, and he liked listening to her stories of love and adventure.

Jongin thought about his new status as a terminal training, and the thought of debuting within the next three years. He’d miss her green tea, which was too strong for his taste, but he drank it all every time. He’d miss her grumbling at the dramas on television as he helped her clean the top shelves and hard to reach places. He’d miss her fussing about his lack of clothes in winter and abundance of black clothes in summer. He knew he’d miss her once he’d be busy with his own life, even if he was living his dream. So with a warm smile, he kindly took the cup of green tea, taking a customary sip, internally cringing at the bitter but familiar taste.

He briefly looked at the television, a quiet but comforting silence enveloping them both. She was watching a drama again, and Jongin thought about how he would get her Won Bin’s signature when he became famous. He thought about how he would fix up her convenience store and hire someone to work for her so that she wouldn't have to. His mind then wandered to his own family, and how he’d help them too. How he’d make sure they’d never have to worry about him ever again, and so, he smiled at the daydream, a content sigh escaping his moistened lips.  
  
He sat down the empty cup of green tea to browse the shelves for some mid-night snacks. He impulsively grabbed his favorite snacks, an ice tea from the cooler, and a pack of cheap medicinal hot patches he knew he would need later before making his way back the counter, taking note of the flickering light, vowing to come replace it later.

  
The older woman looked up from the drama, eyeing his purchase.

“You know you shouldn’t be eating this so late, hmmm!? Why don’t you buy some real food, yes? Ah, what am I going to do with you?”

Jongin shyly scratched his head, already having predicted the reaction. He watched her put his items into a small black bag, and so, he began reaching into his pocket for his money, but stopped at the small  _tsk-tsk,_  seeing her thrust the bag into his hands.

“It’s on me, but I refuse to take responsibility for your acne!”

She then turned around, grabbing a small container from behind the counter, quietly slipping it into his bag.

“Now, go. You’re distracting me from my drama,” she said, turning back to the tiny television.

Jongin smiled widely, bowing deeply before he rushed off. He walked the remainder of the way to the training building, enthusiastically swinging the black bag back in forth in the cold night air.

When he reached the training dance studio, Jongin opened flashed his ID to the worker at the front desk and made his way up the four flights of stairs to the dance studio. He quickly ascended the steps until he saw the number four, letting him know he had reached his destination. flinging open the door, he walked down the long, dim hallway.

Jongin loved the fourth floor because hardly anyone ever used it, as most trainees opted to use the newly remodeled studios on the first and second floor. When he reached the last door, he opened it and confidently walked inside. Jongin didn't bother to look around because he knew no one would be in this studio, his studio. It’s the only studio he used.

Crossing the shiny floor, four Jongin’s accompanying him, Jongin sat down the black bag and headed back out to change. Once he finished changing, Jongin slipped on his baseball cap, grabbed a CD from inside his locker, and carefully closed the door. Once back in his safe haven, he dimmed the lights a bit and walked back over to his belongings.

Jongin put the CD into the huge player against the back mirror, but did not push play. He took a swig of water and walked to the middle of the room, observing himself in the mirrors. Jongin was not exceptionally tall, but his lean dancer’s physique made up for his lack of height.  
  
Moving his legs arms width apart, Jongin proceeded to stretch. He bent his knees slightly, stretching his hamstrings. The familiar burn brought a smile to his face. Jongin was still pretty loose from practicing earlier in the day, and so, there were just small pants of breath, as he warmed his body up for much heavier and more complex moves. Once finished stretching, he walked back over to the complex looking machine in the corner and pressed play and another button to loop the track.

He listened to the music for a moment, its beat unfamiliar to his ears. However, like in a trance, he slowly began making his way to the middle of the dance floor. His body automatically synced up with the melody, and he gracefully moved his limbs to the beat. Jongin was in charge of creating the choreography for his latest group project, the evaluation only a week away.

His group consisted of his best friend and fellow dorm mate Moonkyu, Sehun, another fellow dorm mate, and Kyuwan, a vocalist trainee. Moonkyu was in charge of the music, Sehun in charge of the rap, and Kyuwan in charge of the vocals. Moonkyu must have taken Jongin's sore waist into consideration when composing the music because the beat called for fancy feet work, not so much contortion-ing torso moves. Although fast, hard-hitting moves weren't his specialty, Jongin really couldn't afford to injure his waist.  
  
Jongin couldn't help but feel grateful toward Moonkyu, having been taken under his wing early into his training. Although only a year apart, Moonkyu had been a surrogate big brother to him, looking out for him, giving him advice, understanding him. So, he stepped out of his comfort zone, hoping to show a different side to his dance skills, and resigned himself to the music. He blocked out all thoughts of terminal training, journals, and group projects, and familiarized himself with the music, letting the beat thrum through his veins.  
  
When Jongin found himself in need of a drink of water, the song had been on loop for 20 minutes straight. He sprinted over to the black box to pause the song, and he took a swig of his now lukewarm water. He checked his cellphone, noting that it was about 11:30pm. A look of panic flashed across his face as he remembered the journal.

Rummaging through his bag in search of the leather object and a writing instrument, Jongin found both and sat down on the floor, taking another long swig of water. He then remembered that he forgot the key to the built in lock in his pants pocket. He had removed the key from the journal earlier for safe keeping.  
  
Instead of getting up to retrieve the key, Jongin remained sitting, drinking his water, and just looking at his reflection in one of the adjacent mirrors. Not a single thought but a million fragments of ran through his brain. Tired from composing original choreography and overwhelmed by all of the news he had received these past few weeks, he threw the journal at the mirror. It hit his reflection’s chest and landed with a thud on the floor.  
  
“When will it ever end?” he thought. A shudder wracked his tired form as thoughts of one obstacle only leading to another flooded his mind. Why couldn't he just debut? Hadn't he proven himself enough already? Jongin abruptly stood up and stormed over to the black box in the corner.

He weakly pushed the eject button and carefully removed the CD and put it back into its case. He then walked over to the journal lying on the floor, and picked it up, stuffing it into his backpack along with the CD and his bottle of water. He then grabbed his abandoned snacks and made for the door, four Jongin’s accompanying him. Jongin didn't even bother changing back into his clothes and just stuffed them into his backpack before taking the elevator down, bowing slightly at the worker at the front desk, and walking toward the administration’s office.  
  
The darkness and cold air comforted Jongin. He hid his face in the shadow cast by the brim of his baseball cap and walked briskly down the street. The building wasn't too far from the dance studio, but it was nearing 12:00am, so he picked up the pace.

He timidly walked into the administration’s office, only having been there a handful of times before. The office doubled as a post-office for the trainees who lived far from home, and so, he came every once in a while to receive a package from his family. He hesitantly approached the main desk, not quite sure what to say. The lone office worker looked up from her desk and smiled at Jongin.  
  
“Hi, may I help you!?” she cheerfully asked, despite it being almost midnight.

Jongin appreciated her lively aura and told her his name and that he had something he needed to turn in. With a knowing look, she enthusiastically got up and returned with a thin black book from a filing cabinet and a stack of big brown envelopes.  
  
“Okay, Jongin. I’m going to need you to sign this log sheet first,” she said, sliding the piece of paper and a pen toward him.

Jongin signed his name and date on the log sheet and handed her back the pen.  
  
“Alright, good! From now on, when you come to return the book, you will be required to put it in one of these sealed envelopes. All you have to do is come in a say, “I’d like to send a package." We’ll then ask you to sign the log sheet. If you’re coming to pick up the book, just say you’re name and tell us that you need to pick up a package. You’ll be required to sign the log sheet too, okay?”  
  
Jongin looked at her in amazement, wondering what else was hiding in plain sight. But then he nodded, numbly, and she continued to speak. She explained to him all the stipulations of returning and picking up the journal. Jongin fought to pay attention to the flurry of words coming at him. She ended her spiel with a bright smile, while Jongin removed the notebook from his backpack, pushing it into one of the envelopes.

He slipped the rest of the empty envelopes she gave him into his backpack before rummaging around in his pocket and grabbing a single silver key. It gleamed off of the bright florescent light, and he moved to put it into the envelope with the journal.  
  
“Ah, no. You keep that, Sweetie,” the lady cut in.

Jongin snatched his hand back, accidentally dropping the key on the counter, and the object made a loud clamoring sound. He apologized before dropping the piece of metal back into his backpack.

“Alright, honey. So, would you like to take the time to schedule to pick up the journal?” she asked.

Jongin replied with a short  _okay,_  and she passed back the log book. He had so much on his mind, and the journal is the last thing he wanted to have to worry about. So, he scheduled to pick up the journal on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Once finished, he closed the book and slid it back to the worker.  
  
"Alright! We’re done here. Any questions before you go?” she asked.

Jongin wanted to ask if he really had to do this, a silent protest displayed on his face, but he refrained from vocalizing his wishes. He shook his head  _no_ and told her goodnight.

“Goodnight, Sweetie, and congratulations!”

With a small  _thank you_ , Jongin bowed at the woman and left the office and its extremely cheerful worker behind. Jongin immersed himself in the cold winter air, glad he chose not to wear a jacket. He was hot, his body aching, and he was beyond confused. The cold air helped to clear his mind as he jogged back to the dorm.

Jongin told himself not to feel guilty that he hadn’t written in the journal, brushing it off because it’s not like they’ll ever know. Actually, he was glad to not have it in his possession, and it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  
  
He sprinted up the flights of stairs with a clearer conscious, finally reaching his dorm. He slowly opened the door, the lock making a satisfying click. It was about 12:30a.m., so he didn't expect to see anyone in the common room. Actually, he never expected anyone to be in the common room, and he was right, no one was there.

He put his bottle of water and ice tea in the fridge, and walked back to the bedroom to be welcomed to a few snores. Quietly putting down his things, Jongin gathered some of his belongings, and went into the neighboring bathroom.

flicking on the light, Jongin saw a gaunt face looking back at him. He abruptly turned away from the image and turned the shower water on. All hot. He took off his clothes and stepped into the cascading water. The hot, steamy water offered a welcoming sting on his sore and aching back. The water droplets became a subtle massage for his aching muscles. Although he would have loved to stay in there and soak, he knew he had school the next day.

Jongin quickly washed his hair and body, allowing the suds to wash the dirt and grime from the day down the drain. He reluctantly stepped out after he no longer had an excuse to stay in, the steamy mirror obscuring his reflection.

He rummaged through the black bag to grab the hot patches, briefly sulking at the thought of the hot temperature of the bathroom possibly melting his chocolate bar before grabbing the cheap hot packs, but then remembered what the convenience store owner slipped into his bag.

He took out the small jar and read the label. It was a topical heat rub, which were way more expensive and effective then the cheap hot packs he was used to using. He smiled at her thoughtfulness, rubbing the ointment onto his sore limbs and back, the coolness of the menthol providing fast, short term relief. He then put on a pair of pajama paints and left the steamy bathroom.

Jongin slowly climbed into bed, and plugged his cell phone into its charger, setting the alarm for 5:30a.m. The sound of snoring almost lulled him to sleep, but he heard a familiar voice whisper his name. Jongin instinctively looked to the right, where he knew Moonkyu’s bunk bed was.

“So, did you like the music?” Moonkyu asked.

Jongin, exhausted, just nodded his head, hoping Moonkyu would accept that as an answer, despite it being dark.

“I wasn’t sure if we should have gone with a slower number or a faster one, but…”

Jongin reached a hand out into the darkness, allowing it to rest on Moonkyu’s bunk, effectively quieting him. He patted the rambling figure, before mumbling a small thanks and retracting his hand.

“No problem, ” Moonkyu replied, knowing exactly what Jongin was referring to. “I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Jongin nodded again as he closed his eyes for the night, morning, whatever.  
  
It was all the same to him.

 


	4. Three

Jongin jolted at the loud noise that came from his cell phone, his hand flying to, for the love of God, shut it off. He expertly pressed the button to silence the noise and flopped back down on the bed. Jongin both loved and hated Mondays. On one hand, he could get the week started and over with, but on the other hand, who honestly preferred Mondays? Jongin  had never been much of a morning person but ever since he had become a trainee, he had come to hate waking up no matter what time of the day it was.

 Jongin contemplated sulking for a bit longer but before he could make up his mind, he heard someone calling his name from what had to be the common room or bathroom. He grunted, hoping they’d hear that and shut up, but the voice persisted, getting louder and louder, until it seemed like the offender was standing over him. Jongin peeked out from behind his comforter, one eye glued shut from sleep, the other attempting to filter in as little light as possible.  
  
“Bro, get up! Moonkyu has already left, and I need to get in the shower!” exclaimed the voice.

Sehun, his other roommate, for some reason, preferred taking his shower last, and so, he nagged everyone to hurry and get in the shower so that he wouldn't be late for school. Sehun, Jongin, and Moonkyu all went to the same school. Therefore, it would pretty much become a battlefield if they all attempted to get up at the same time.

Jongin flung the comforter from his body, not wanting to get into an argument about why Sehun should just get in the shower for goodness sake. He got up hastily, pushing pass the lanky figure, the sudden motion making him slightly dizzy. Stumbling, Jongin looked around the room for a clean towel, his legs protesting against the action of walking this early in the morning.  
  
Once Jongin was done with his shower, he looked around for his uniform. He found it neatly hanging on the back of the bedroom door.

He heard Sehun shout, “Moonkyu ironed it for you since you came in late last night!”, as he walked in the bathroom for his own shower. Jongin thought to himself. He must had overlooked it when he came in. Even though Jongin had been training for three years, he couldn't seem to get a routine down.

He danced when he wanted to dance and slept when he was darn near passed out anyway. He ate when it was convenient and did homework on the train ride to and from school. As long as he was not failing his classes or neglecting his training, Jongin didn't see any reason to fix what he had been doing. But it was times like this when he realized how lucky he was to be friends with Moonkyu.

Well, to be more exact, Moonkyu had become more like a brother. Jongin thought back to the first time he met him. He had only been a trainee with the company for all of an hour, and he hadn’t a clue as to what he was doing.

  
+

  
Jongin had walked up the six flights of stairs to his new home, and with his lone duffel bag in one hand, he put the key into the lock on the doorknob and turned. Nothing happened. He tried again, but the key would not unlock the door. Jongin began to panic. He checked the slip to see if he had the right door. Yes, he was at room 607. So, why wouldn’t the key work? Before he could have a proper meltdown, he heard someone sprinting towards him, a tall, lanky, kind of kid with a swoop of hair covering half of his face. Jongin looked at the guy with wide eyes.  
  
“Hey!” the guy yelled, panting as he reached the tiny figure that looked like he might burst into tears at any moment. “Yea… You have to put the key in a certain way to get the door to unlock. It’s a pain, but they told me that they were going to fix it… but that was a year ago,” he continued, with a soft chuckle. “Here let me show you.”

The guy took the shiny piece of metal from Jongin. He slowly slid the object into the slot, jerking the key to the left while turning it and just like that, the lock clicked, and the door opened. Jongin looked at the guy and bowed, giving him a small  _thank you_ , and turned to enter the room, but startled when the guy followed.

“Oh, yeah… I’m also your roommate. My name is Kim Moonkyu! What’s yours? Oh, wait. Sorry. Let me let you put your things down first.”  
  
Moonkyu then began giving Jongin a small tour of the space, ending with the bedroom.

“And, this is the bedroom!” he said, flopping down on one of the beds.

“Obviously, this is my bed. You can take the other. So, what’s your name?”  
  
Jongin was overwhelmed but mustered up a hoarse  _Kim Jongin_. He had spent the day crying, as it was his first time away from home. And at this point, he just wanted to lie down and cry some more, but he couldn’t do that with Moonkyu in the room.  
  
“Hi, Jongin, I’m Moonkyu. I’m 14, and I’ve been here for about a year now… So, you can ask me anything you want!” he exclaim, sitting up from his bed.

Jongin bowed again, stating his age as  _13_  and that he was also there for dance.  
  
“Awesome! Well, I have to go practice. Do you want me to show you the cafeteria?”

Jongin didn’t want to leave the room just yet. He just wanted to cry for a little bit, but he also had no clue where the cafeteria was located, so he nodded a  _yes_. From there, he met Moonkyu’s best friend Taemin, also a dance trainee, and the three of them had been inseparable since.

Taemin debuted last year though, and his absence had allowed Moonkyu and Jongin to grow even closer. Although three years had passed from the time they first met, and they had changed dorm rooms two times and acquired two more roommates, they were still very close.

+

  
Jongin thought about Moonkyu as he put on the bright yellow uniform, wondering if Moonkyu, too, was undergoing terminal training and wondered if he had a journal just like his. He wanted to tell Moonkyu about everything, but he didn't want to risk being kicked out of the company. So Jongin dressed in silence, the weight of his life resting on his shoulders, and he grabbed his school belongings to face the day as best he could.  
  
Jongin grabbed his bottled water and ice tea from the fridge and a bun to munch on while he waited for Sehun so they could leave together. With a mouth full of bread, he called out  _Hurry up!_  and took a seat at the counter. Taking a look around the room, Jongin spotted the messy couch, the papers littering the floor, the dishes, the random knickknacks, and thought was he ready to leave trainee life behind. He sighed because only the company could judge that.  
  
He finished up his ice tea and bun and just as he was about to throw the bottle and wrapper away, he heard Sehun running into the common room yelling,  _Race you downstairs! I’m taking the elevator!! You take the stairs!_ And with a swoosh, Sehun flew out the door, attempting to close it behind him, but Jongin was right on his heels.

Jongin thought, as he ran down the steps, his mouth in a wide smile, that he might just miss this, having Moonkyu and Sehun as his best friends, the best of both worlds. They half walked half chased each other to the subway, complaining about the new vocal teacher and discussing their latest group project during the commute.

Sehun joined the company about a year after Jongin, but he must have skipped the lost puppy phase because Jongin didn't remember Sehun ever asking him for anything. One day, he just showed up and the next thing Moonkyu and Jongin knew was that they had lost half of their storage and closet space.

Although younger than both Jongin and Moonkyu, Sehun pretty much marched to the beat of his own drum, and no one could tell him anything. He had his quirks and idiosyncrasies, but nothing Jongin and Moonkyu couldn't handle. He was respectful (sometimes), and he fit right in with the company. He was pale, good looking, had just enough talent to get noticed, and he had a cute little lisp that made the girls go gaga over him.

Jongin couldn't help but be a little jealous at times, wishing his own flaws were just as acceptable, but nevertheless, Jongin loved them both. Moonkyu looked out for him and Sehun allowed him to be a kid sometimes. The friends Jongin had managed to make helped everything become just a bit more bearable, like he could do this for as long as he had to, as long as things stayed the same.  
  
Moonkyu was waiting for Jongin and Sehun near the gates after school because they had plans to go meet with Kyuwan to get started on the project. Sehun begged, or more like demanded, for them to stop for bubble tea as he said something about receiving a free one because he had bought nine so far. So, they all grabbed a large bubble tea, Sehun a large with whip cream and extra bubble, and headed for the dance studio.  
  
They were a giggling mess as they walked, but once they reached the facility, an air of seriousness washed over them as they walked through the doors. They went from being rambunctious teenage boys to serious potential idols in what seemed like the blink of an eye. You could smell the competitiveness in the air, and so, as to avoid any unnecessary confrontations, they quickly made their way to the second floor.  
  
They were greeted with a smooth, soulful voice from the hallway, the voice unfamiliar to all three of them. They quietly walked into the room, not sure what to expect, and they saw Kyuwan at the piano with a tiny, dark haired boy standing in front of a music stand.  
  
“Oh, Hey, guys! I was just finishing up my vocal lessons,” their group mate said cheerfully. “This is Do Kyungsoo, my roommate. I’ve been giving him vocal lessons in my free time,” he continued, getting up from the piano.  
  
The dark-haired boy bowed, reciting his name once more. Moonkyu, Sehun, and Jongin bowed back. They were used to seeing new faces. They came and went just as quickly.

“Kyungsoo, this is Kim Moonkyu, Kim Jongin, and Oh Sehun. We’re working on a project together.”  
  
Kyungsoo looked at the boys with wide-eyes and bowed again awkwardly. It was silent for a few moments until a large slurp was heard from Sehun’s now empty cup of bubble tea. They all looked over at him, but Sehun, being his usual self, pouted at the empty drink, exclaiming that he was going to go change, and gave a small wave to Kyungsoo as he walked back out the door. Kyungsoo bowed back, but his eyes stayed glued to the floor.  
  
“Okay. Well, you did really good for today, Kyungsoo. You’re really talented! I have to get started with my group, so I’ll see you back at the dorm. Will you be okay?” Kyuwan asked, walking over to his belongings.  
  
Kyungsoo nodded awkwardly, grabbing his things, and he bashfully walked past Moonkyu and Jongin who were still staring with their bubble tea straws in their mouths. Kyungsoo gave a slight bow as he passed the two taller boys, and they both gave a short nod back. Once he was gone, Moonkyu and Jongin burst into laughter. 

“What was that? No, who is that!?” asked Moonkyu, who doubled over in laughter.

“We heard this husky soulful voice, and we came in to find this pale little shrimp!! Reallyy!?” Moonkyu continued, with a mouth of bubbles.  
  
Jongin laughed too, but not as hard as Moonkyu. Kyungsoo kind of reminded him of himself when he first started training, like a deer caught in headlights whenever he met someone new. Kyuwan had attempted to come to Kyungsoo’s defense.

“Hey! He’s older than both of you! Er… Well, not by much, but he’s really talented, you guys. Like, his voice is no joke!” Kyuwan exclaimed, smiling back at them.  
  
As they continued joking about the new guy, Sehun burst through the door, an annoyed expression on his face.

“What now, Princess?” Moonkyu asked the irritated boy.

“Well, I’d kind of like to get this whole project thing done within this year. So, if you guys can shut up and get changed, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!” the youngest boy retorted, stomping over to the computer to turn it on.  
  
The three boys, although older than Sehun, accepted the demands, not wanting to lose an argument against him, which would probably have them buying him bubble tea, with whipped cream and extra bubble, for a week straight. So, the four of them spent the next couple of days cycling between going to school, attending trainee classes, doing individual practices, and holed up in the dance studio working on their composition. Thoughts of the dark-haired, big eye’d boy escaped all of their minds because this was a very important evaluation. At least it was for Jongin.

He knew that he would be evaluated differently now that he was a terminal trainee, and so, he had been working extra hard to pull his weight in the group, while also trying to work on his individual skills. When Friday came around, Jongin was practically running on fumes. He was leaving school when he remembered he needed to pick up the journal. He half debated whether to call and cancel, but then he remembered he had to take out the journal at least three times a week.

He, reluctantly, hauled himself up to the administration office. He walked into the brightly lit office, wondering if it needed to be that bright even during the day time, and inquired to the cheerful office worker about needing to pick up a package. When he was given his “package”, he put it in his backpack and began walking toward the dance studio. Not wanting to return just yet, he walked to the convenience store to grab some ice-cream.

Jongin walked into the familiar place, the lady at the counter literally lighting up at his entrance.

“My Jongin-ah! I haven’t seen you for a while, are you okay?” she asked while making a huge batch of kimchi behind the counter.  
  
Jongin smiled widely at her, telling her he was just busy with practice.

“You have to take care of yourself, hmm!?” she told him, mixing the deep red mixture.

Jongin just nodded, also letting her know that he wanted to fix the flickering light above the third isle.

“Hnn, go, go!” she told him, waving in the general direction of the supplies.

Jongin went to retrieve the bulbs and ladder, having done this many times in the past three years. He climbed up the ladder on shaky legs, but managed to change the bulb quite easily. Once finished, he put the materials away and grabbed the cup of green-tea she poured for him. He sat down to watch her finish mixing the _kimchi_ , sipping on the scalding hot liquid.  
  
“Hand me the sugar, hmm!?” 

 “Ah, can you pour it in? I don’t want to get the container dirty.”

Jongin poured the pure white powder into the thick, red mixture, eyes wide in fascination. He had never made kimchi before, not even back home. Hell, he had never made anything but ramyun and the occasional batch of rice. He wanted to ask her if she could teach him how to make some one day, but then remembered one day he would be famous and wouldn’t have time to sit down and eat homemade kimchi, not a lone make any. So, he swallowed down the lump in his throat with the last little bit of green tea, the hot liquid failing to warm his insides.  
  
After a few moments, Jongin asked her if she needed anything else, and she told him no. So, he got up to grab the ice-cream bar he had been eyeing, and left a few coins on the counter. Walking out into the cold winter air, Jongin felt quite stupid for having bought ice cream, but he opened the delicious treat anyway. He decided to walk along the Han River, despite it being several degrees colder near the huge body of water.

There weren't that many people, aside from the occasional dog walker, walking along the river front. However, one figure stuck out in particular. He saw a small figure sitting on one of the steps, looking out toward the water. As he walked closer, he recognized the figure as that of Kyungsuk’s. Was that his name? Well, the big-eye’d, petite boy from earlier that week.

Jongin wondered if it was him but was too shy to approach him. It was not like they were friends or anything. So, he put on his hood, ducked his head low, and quickly walked pass him, almost dropping his half-eaten ice cream. Once he was sure he was far enough away, he removed his hood, and slowed down. He looked back, the figure still looking out toward the frozen water. He looked so small, so alone. Jongin debated going back but decided against it. He finished off his ice-cream and headed back to the dance studio. He had a dance to perfect.  
  
Four hours had passed, and Jongin was a puddle of goo on the floor. He had the dance perfected and his part of the rap as well. He thought he was ready for Sunday’s evaluation. He moved to get up, spotting the black music player, which looked like it was a mile away.  
  
Instead of standing, Jongin crawled over to it, weakly reaching up to turn it off. He then dragged his limp body over to his belongings, grabbing a bottle of water, and downing its contents in nearly one gulp. Some of it dripped down onto his chin, droplets of cold water cooling heated skin. As he finished up the cold, clear liquid, he spotted the brown package in his backpack. He took it out, tearing it open.

Jongin saw the journal, the same as before, and once he found the key, he unlocked the journal, sliding the clasp and opening the front cover. The journal made a crackling sound, as if protesting against the disturbance.

Jongin eyed the matte paper, reading the first page, which had a line that said, in really fancy lettering, “This journal belongs to:” Jongin wasn't stupid enough to fill it out, just in case he ended up losing the journal, so he flipped to the next page, which was blank except for several horizontal lines. The pages were sturdy and smelled old, despite being new. They were also a bit off white, adding to the aged feel.  
  
Jongin took out a pencil but didn't write anything just yet. He thought for a while before putting tip to paper. He drew a few squiggly lines, which then turned into a character, one of those characters you see on cute stationary and in newspaper comics. One character soon turned into two, which then turned into a lot more half swirls and intricate patterns.  
  
Jongin was so lost in his doodling that he almost didn’t hear a beep coming from his cell phone. He checked the screen and saw that it was Moonkyu telling him to come meet up with the group for some late night practice. Jongin texted him back, telling him that he was on his way down, and he closed the phone.  
  
Looking back at the journal, deeming his drawings enough for the day, Jongin closed it, latching the lock, and putting away the key. He stuffed the journal back into his bag, under his clothes, and grabbed the rest of his belongings to head back down to the third floor.  
  
Just to kill himself a little more on the dance floor.

 


	5. Four

For the next couple of days, Jongin obediently procured and returned the journal, filling up the first couple of pages with doodles of every shape and kind. He just didn't see the point of writing in something he believed he did not need or did not know how to properly face. So, he turned it into his personal sketch book of creepy creatures and delightful doggies.  
  
What Jongin needed to do was his homework and make sure Kyuwan, who could sing circles around anyone, managed to put one foot in front of the other without tripping over himself and everyone else. So, that is what Jongin did. Not write in a stupid journal.  
  
Jongin surprisingly got up bright and early the day of the evaluation. Sundays were his favorite day because no one expected anything out of him, no chores, no homework, and no practicing, so he liked to make the most of it.

He stumbled out of bed, and walked down the dim hallway, rubbing his eyes the entire way. Moonkyu and Sehun were still asleep, and Jongin was sure they'd sleep until high noon if there weren't any disturbances. So, Jongin had the morning to himself, just the way he liked it.  
  
When he walked into the kitchen area, he was surprised someone actually did the dishes. He thought that maybe it was the cleaning lady that came by to check the rooms every once in a while, so without any dishes to do, Jongin decided to heat himself up a bowl of rice and the left over take-out he and the group ordered Saturday night.  
  
Jongin thought about what he should do before the evaluation while his food heated up in the microwave. He didn't want to do anything too strenuous, so he decided he would grab his music player and go jog along the river. Once his food was sufficiently heated, he took the steamy bowl of rice with chicken on top to the overcrowded couch and flopped down.

He grabbed the television remote, pushing the power button, and watched the black box come to life. flipping through the channels, Jongin settled on a children's program. Despite being 16, he still enjoyed his morning cartoons. They allowed him an escape from the glamour and the fake, away from the hard work and body aches, and they allowed him to feel something akin to innocence, teleported back to a time when he didn't know any better, when he was still Jongin and not Jongin the company's golden boy.  
  
After the second episode of  _One Piece_  and an episode of  _Pororo_ , Jongin felt like Sunday was going to be a good day. He felt a little less tense and more like himself. Turning off the black box, Jongin returned to the kitchen. He washed his dish and practically skipped down the now lit hallway, the sunlight streaming in from the bedroom and bathroom doorway. He quietly tipped toed into the room, eyeing the sleeping forms on the other three beds.

His other roommate had returned the other night from an extended stay with his family. His name was Chanyeol, and he joined the company shortly around the same time Sehun did. Chanyeol was goofy, hitting it off with practically everyone he met, but he could be a bit overwhelming, and so, he and Jongin usually only hung out during practice or when in the dorm together. They didn't have the same crowd of friends, so that kept them from running into each other even more.  
  
Jongin grabbed a towel, some jogging clothes and headed into the bathroom. He wished they had a bath because he was sure his muscles would thank him if he soaked them for a while, but like most trainee dorms, there was no bath, just a shower. So, Jongin made one-sided plans with Moonkyu to go to the sauna after his jog.  
  
He stood under the steaming water, turning around to allow the droplets of liquid to pound out the tension from the past couple of days. When he felt he had been in long enough, he quickly got out, dried off, and dressed warmly for the jog.  
  
The bright winter sun reflected off of the untouched, pure, white snow, throwing shards of glistening crystals everywhere, the melted run-off adding to the dazzling display. If not for its rare beauty, Jongin would have closed his eyes completely, shielding his eyes from the pain glint, but he chose to take in its intensity as he walked down the street. He quickly reached the footpath leading to the river front, and he put his ear buds into his reddened ears, turning on his music player, his favorite love ballad flowing from each bud.

Although Jongin had never been in love, he was quite sure he'd dance to this song in front of his future girlfriend. He made another one-sided plan to choreograph a dance to the song with Moonkyu because Moonkyu was, admittedly, a much more experienced dancer than he.

A smile graced his lips at the thought of one day being in love, but reality hit him in the face alongside the next gust of frigid wind, his smile faltering just a bit. He turned his back against the wind, his brisk walking soon turning into a light jog, focusing on the small puffs of air in front of him and the cold air that threatened to freeze his lungs with every sharp inhale.

After twenty minutes of straight jogging, Jongin slowed down, not wanting to tire himself out. He reached the spot he saw the doe eye'd boy yesterday, ducking his head at the memory. Jongin wasn’t sure why he expected the boy to be there today. He was not sure why he was even thinking about him at all. He had seen him a total of two times.

Kyuwan said that he wasn’t a _new_ trainee, but that he was a part of a vocal group, so that was why he was helping him out with his voice. Jongin kicked rocks at the thought of Kyungsuk or whatever his name was. Try-hard. But weren’t they all try-hards in a way? Doing whatever it took to get in, to make it, to make  _them_  happy. Jongin danced to music he hated and talked to people he didn’t want to... just to dance for a living. He tried not to think about it, grimacing at the gloomy perspective.  
  
Since he was a vocal trainee, Jongin probably wouldn't see him often, so thoughts of the petite boy with short cropped hair flew out of his head along with the next rock he sent skidding across the ice covered water. Jongin looked at his watch after having spent a few more songs sitting and watching. It was nearing noon, and so, he headed back to the dorm to try and persuade Moonkyu to hit the sauna with him before the evaluation.  
  
Jongin reached the dorm, walking into a noisy common room. Chanyeol, Sehun and a few other trainees were sitting on the floor playing one of the latest racing games, trying to run each other off of the road. They didn't spare a glance at Jongin, so Jongin grabbed an unopened soda from the table and quietly headed back to the bedroom, not wanting to join them. He was surprised to see the dorm bedroom empty, wondering where Moonkyu might have gone. Did he try to get some last minute practice in before the evaluation? It'd be unusual, but not completely out of the question.

Instead of looking for him, however, Jongin decided to catch up on reading some of his manhwa. He had been neglecting the guilty pleasure since he'd been put into the group project. He grabbed the latest volume from the bookcase and crawled into his bunk, kicking the messy covers to the bottom of the bed. Jongin had completely lost himself to the fantasy world when his dorm mates rushed into his room, Sehun and Chanyeol to be more specific, with Kyuwan on speakerphone. They were yelling about how they needed to color coordinate their outfits for the evaluation, and where the Hell was Moonkyu?  
  
Jongin looked at them, glaring, wondering how he dealt with these two personalities day in and day out, and yeah, where was Moonkyu? They both looked at the tan boy expectantly, knowing if anyone knew where Moonkyu might be, it'd be Jongin. Jongin's eyes opened wider, and his shoulder's rose slightly and dropped back down. He looked back to his manhwa, worrying his lip with white teeth.  
  
Although worried, Jongin was sure Moonkyu was going to pull through. So, he closed his manhwa and gave his full attention to the loud boys in the room. They settled on wearing black, white, and red. Jongin had no say in the matter due to Sehun complaining about how much of a fashion terrorist he was, and therefore, convinced the other two that they needed to do all of the coordinating. Jongin didn’t really care though because Moonkyu still hasn't showed up.

Jongin texted him shortly after he was verbally assaulted, asking him to come back to the dorm and save him, but there hadn't been a reply. He sent another text, threatening to pick out his clothes for him, but still no luck fifteen minutes later. Jongin decided to suck it up and go look for him.

He sprinted to the dance studio, hoping to find him there, but he was not in any of the dance rooms he thought he'd be in, and no one had seen him since this morning. He checked one of the nearby saunas without much luck as well. On the way back to the dorm, he saw an internet cafe and tried inside. He paid for 30 minutes of computer time in order to gain free roam of the place, and he started looking around.

He didn't see him on the first floor, so he went down a flight of steps into a brightly lit basement. He saw rows and rows of books and manhwa, and became slightly apprehensive, but he decided it was still worth a closer look. He began searching the rows, not quite sure why he was even in there, but in one of the last rows, between Q and S, he saw a hunched figure in the middle of the isle. Jongin recognized his friend immediately and rushed over to him.The figure looked up at the sudden company, and Jongin stopped in his tracks.

Moonkyu had been crying. He had never seen him cry before, so Jongin wasn’t sure what to do. The figure on the floor offered a small  _Hey_ , returning his head down between his knees, and Jongin tried to return the salutation, but he failed, his greeting sounding more like a puff of air.  He tried to pull it together, however, kneeling down, Jongin had to grip the shelf for support.

Jongin didn't say anything, not because he didn't know what to say, but because he's not sure if Moonkyu was angry with him. But Moonkyu didn't leave him to his thoughts for too long, clearing the thought bubble above his head.

"I'm sorry I didn't reply to your texts or didn't tell you where I'd be...," the saddened boy stated through barely parted lips.

Jongin was startled at the apology, stating that it was okay, he was just worried.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Jongin swallowed visibly, asking Moonkyu if he'd like to talk, asking him if it was something he had done or didn't do. Moonkyu shook his head, replying no, but thanked him for the offer. Jongin was a little upset that Moonkyu wouldn't open up to him, upset that he couldn't help him. Moonkyu had always been there for him, even when he didn't have to, but Jongin didn't want to force him to speak. So, Jongin leaned in to give him a hug.

Moonkyu, visibly startled, did not respond at first, but he wrapped a loose arm around Jongin after he realized Jongin was not going to let go. Jongin moved an arm up and down the hunched figure's back, scared out of his mind. They had hugged before, such as after winning bets and passing evaluations, but never during times like this.

Jongin figured it was because they didn't have times like this, or at least everyone pretended not to be human. No one dared to show any vulnerability at the company. No one could afford to because who knew who would use it against them. Therefore, they both treasured the rare moment, filing it away in their memories. Jongin broke the hug first, his back burning from the awkward position. Moonkyu wiped his eyes slightly, looking down at his hands. 

"Thanks", he said, moving to get up.

Jongin replied with a warm Y _ou're welcome_ , looking to see if he really was okay.

Whatever Moonkyu was going through, he decided to leave it sitting in the isle between Q and S, and threw a characteristically wide Moonkyu smile at Jongin, telling him he'd race him back to the dorm. That was the Moonkyu Jongin was used to seeing so even though he was still a bit unnerved, Jongin jumped up, trailing after the lankier boy, vowing to become just as strong as his best friend.  
  
Later that night, they arrived at the dance studio reserved for evaluations. The mirrors were always cleaned and the music system didn't suck. They were a bit early, making sure they had their music, and whatever else they may need.

Although they had all been through this many times before, they all had the pre-performance jitters. Sehun was more irritable than usual, Moonkyu was lost within his earphones, Kyuwan just sat, playing on his cell phone, and Jongin was ready. He had prepared for this all week; he couldn't prepare any more than he already had.  
  
When it was about their time to go in to the room, they lined up at the door. Nearly two minutes passed before the door opened, the previous group leaving. Their faces were sullen, which told Jongin that they hadn't done nearly as good as they had hoped. Jongin was about to turn away, to pretend he hadn't witnessed their defeat, when a familiar face appeared in his peripheral vision.  
  
A petite boy with short, cropped, black hair was bowing his way out of the room when he bumped into Moonkyu. Moonkyu didn't try to hide his irritation at the accident. The boy bowed even deeper, visibly drawing in to himself, but Moonkyu was already entering the evaluation room. Jongin took advantage of the ability to get a closer look this time, taking in the boy's soft features, his somber eyes, and pale skin, dotted with an array of dusky moles.

He bowed at Kyungsoo, silently apologizing for Moonkyu's brusqueness, but Kyungsoo either ignored the gesture or didn't see him, as the boy turned without looking Jongin's way, attempting to catch up with his disheartened group. Jongin brushed the exchange off, turning his full attention to the looming evaluation, hoping to escape the same fate as the doe eye'd boy's group.

He turned his insecurities off and mustered up every bit of confidence he had within him and walked into the room. To say they put on a performance representative of the company would be a lie. Kyuwan's voice cracked for a millisecond in the beginning, Sehun turned left when everyone turned right, Moonkyu looked visibly out of it. Jongin, poor Jongin, tried to make up for them all, but he was only one person, and you're only as strong as your weakest link, and so, they broke.  
  
They didn't do that bad, really. It's just that Jongin was so close to his dream he could literally hold it, and he didn't think he could handle losing sight of it now. The people evaluating attempted to lessen the blow, emphasizing what they did well, but they all knew they could have done better, especially Jongin. He just didn't know what happened. What went wrong?  
  
Jongin was not the type to hold grudges, but he was tired, very tired, and so, he walked out of the evaluation with a face similar to those who walked out before him almost an hour ago. He tried not to cry, not while he was still in the facility at least, and waved to his group mates, telling them that he would see them at the dorm.

He thanked Kyuwan, telling him he did a good job and that he hoped they could work together again soon, and he walked off alone. He was not in the mood to console others; he needed to console himself. Jongin didn't want to go to the dance studio, afraid he'd dance himself to death, and he didn't want to go to the dorms because he was afraid of starting an argument. Misery loved company. So, he found himself taking the long way back to the dorm, getting into the rickety elevator, and pushing the top button.

Jongin got out on the top floor and climbed two flights of stairs to find a heavy metal door. He opened the door, which opened to the roof of the building, a flat, vast expansion, one of Seoul's desert places. Jongin stepped out into the night air. It was cold, but at least everything was still. He started walking over to his favorite spot, which looked out toward the busiest part of Seoul.

Jongin came up to the roof when he felt like he had nowhere else to go, when facing himself, when being alone with himself, was less painful than being anywhere else. The roof made him feel powerful in his solitude. He enjoyed looking down on the people who didn’t know they were being watched. He enjoyed seeing the flickering spots of yellow and white, as offices turned off their lights and certain businesses turned theirs on, ready to play. Jongin rounded the corner, but stopped short. He saw a figure in his spot. 

He was about to retreat. He was not one to start a confrontation, but he realized he recognized who it was. It was the doe-eye'd boy from today, and instead of pretending he didn't see anymore, Jongin walked over. The small boy looked up from where he was sitting, not the least bit startled at the intrusion. And in the surest of voices one could muster at a time like that, Jongin offered himself just a little bit.  
  
"Hi, I'm Kim Jongin."

 


	6. Five

The trespasser looked up at Jongin, a pensive look on his face.

"Oh. I'm Do Kyungsoo," the boy said standing up, the moon casting a silver sheen on his already pale skin.

He bowed and began walking away. Jongin, not really knowing what was happening, hurriedly stuttered out that he didn't have to leave.

"No. It's cold," the other boy said, still walking away, throwing his words over his shoulder in an unaffected tone, not even sparing a cordial, sidelong glance at the now stunned Jongin.

Jongin stood there for a few moments, watching the heavy metal door slowly close and finally click shut. He turned toward Seoul; a random blast of cold air coming from the west caressed his face. Jongin felt rejected, refused. After what happened with Moonkyu and the evaluation, Jongin couldn't help but be easily affected by Kyungsoo and his cold demeanor. Oh, that was his name. Kyungsoo.

Jongin silently berated himself, chiding himself for putting himself out there.  _This is what happens here at the company, remember? Just mind your business, stick to yourself, pretend you don't see anything, and you'll be fine... You've been fine up until now. Get it together, Jongin._

So, Jongin, with a stronger resolve, vowed to just focus on his schooling, dancing, and whatever stupid assignments he was given by the company. He had a few great friends, he didn't need anymore. Plus, he'd be debuting soon and leaving the life of a trainee behind. So, he sat down, watching the light show playing all over the city, content with his new plan. He'd get through these last few years or however long he'd be a terminal trainee without a scratch on him. Just watch.

When he couldn't take the cold anymore, Jongin decided to leave his desert place and go back down to the dorm. He walked inside and found it empty. Sehun, Moonkyu, and Chanyeol must have went out to go make themselves feel better, probably out to eat or karaoke, anything to keep from wallowing in self-pity, unlike himself.

Jongin looked at his cell phone and saw that he didn't have any notifications. The clock read 9:30p.m., and so, he debated taking a nap, hoping that maybe some sleep and a few dizzying dreams could distract him from himself. But, for some reason, he decided against it, taking out the journal from his backpack, tearing the brown envelope, releasing it from its confines. He spied the silver key as well, clasping it in his still cold fingers.

Jongin sat down at the cramped wooden desk in the far right corner of the room, clearing the chair of tossed sweats and sweeping a few dirty shirts and pamphlets off of the desk's surface onto the floor.

Turning on the desk lamp and wincing at its brightness, Jongin sat the heavy object down, flipping through the used pages, adorned with creepy creatures and delightful doggies, before stopping on a clean page.

Grabbing a pencil from the pencil holder, Jongin put the sharp tip to the first line, and instead of letting his pencil take the lead, allowing it to dance on the page to his imagination's melody, he wrote for the very first time.

> _Um. I wish I knew what happened to Moonkyu_. He scratched out Moonkyu, instead replacing it with the letters MK.  _I wish my group did better at today's evaluation, I guess_... He trailed off, skipping a few lines.  _I'm hungry. Oh, and that guy's name is KS._

His heart sped up at the initials, remembering the brief exchange from earlier. He didn't feel like he could write about the incident, his ego still bruised. Jongin faltered for a few moments _. Stupid. This is stupid._  He scribbled the last few words with a scowl, his patience worn thin, and closed the journal, locking it. He grabbed a new envelope and packaged the book, slipping the key into the top drawer, the one that expanded almost the entire length of the desk, sliding the piece of metal all the way into the back, and then fluffing the junk already inside around to hide it.

Standing up, Jongin stretched, realizing he had been sitting at the desk for about twenty minutes. It was late and he had school tomorrow, so he threw on a jacket, and headed out to return the journal.

That night he dreamt of dancing and Moonkyu. They were in the practice room, dancing to one of the latest songs produced by Super Junior, which he is sure is caused by the company playing the tune nonstop since its release, and suddenly Moonkyu started sobbing uncontrollably, falling to the ground. Jongin just continued dancing, pretending he didn't see the tears he knew were streaming down his best friend's face.  But after pretending for what seems like an eternity, Jongin found himself standing over the sobbing figure, staring down at him, with a look of unadulterated concern on his face.

"Why are you crying? Moonkyu!? Please, tell me what's wrong."

Jongin knelt, grabbing Moonkyu's arm, trying to get the boy to uncurl himself. The pleading caused Moonkyu to cry even harder, but when he lifted his head, the eyes weren't Mookyu's, neither were the lips, and when did Moonkyu have so many moles? There were also no tears, and instead of quivering lips, there was a cruel smile, a smirk even.

Jongin woke up from the dream. He was startled and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. He laid in the darkness, wondering what the dream could mean. Why was Moonkyu, Kyungsoo, or some hybrid of, crying? He then shuddered at the memory of the cruel smile.

Jongin checked his cell phone. He had only been asleep for 40 minutes, but he felt like he had slept at least nine hours. He rolled over, facing the dark wall, tracing mindless patterns onto the cool surface. He can't take this, he thought. _I just want to..._ , he wouldn’t allow himself to say the words 'go home'. He didn't mean it, but sometimes he did. He wanted to stop fighting, to stop worrying, and just be okay, to feel genuinely okay. 

 

Jongin spent the next couple of months sticking to his routine of school, practice, and company assignments. He hadn't written in the journal since that night, but he doodled in it whenever he was up to it, and he made sure to return it dutifully on time. His latest assignment was to meet with his appointed counselor. He and the roommates were on good terms, and his last, nearly perfect, evaluation, erased the feeling of humiliation and inferiority the one before that did.

Jongin felt like he could do this. If he could just continue the cycle of school, practice, assignments, doing what he was told to, he knew he would make it.  So, he made an appointment to see his counselor early in the morning, just to get things over with.

He walked out of the elevator into the hallway. That side of the building was unfamiliar to him, and he had to depend on every sign stating 'advisers' with an arrow pointing him into the direction of where they were supposed to be. Jongin grew a bit more anxious with every turn. Where is this place? He ducked into the nearest bathroom to collect himself.

The bathroom was pristine, counters of white marble, a porcelain bowl for a sink, and automatic chrome faucets. He stuck his hand under the faucet, allowing the lukewarm water to gather in his cupped hands. He splashed a bit onto his face, allowing the liquid to run off his face back into the sink, and did it once more.

Standing up straight, Jongin watched the clear droplets run off his face. He looked gaunt, a shell of himself. His usually tanned skin looked less sun-kissed, his hair a messy mop of black atop his head, and his eyes were just a tad bit sunken. Jongin abruptly turned from his own image. Maybe if he ignored it, it wouldn't be true.

Jongin allowed the machine on the wall to deposit one neat piece of white cloth in his hand. He harshly patted his damp face, and threw the piece of cloth into the wicker waste basket near the door before swinging the door open and taking a deep breath at the same time.

Jongin followed approximately two more signs before he was unwillingly left on his own. He walked slowly down the doorless hallway, wishing someone would pop out from somewhere, anywhere, to just guide him to his destination. When he was about to panic, wondering if he had made a wrong turn, he spotted an offset hallway with two doors on each side. He hurriedly turned down it, desperate to reach the end of the maze. 

After reaching the last door on the right, eyeing the name plate on the wall, Jongin checked his slip, "Choi Hyunshik". The piece of metal on the door read the same name, and so, he knocked, timidly, of course. He heard a bit of rustling before a gruff voice requested for him to come in.

Jongin opened the door slightly, peeking his head through the small crack. He saw a middle aged man at his desk, waving him all the way inside. Jongin walked in, closing the door behind him. He opted to sit on the cloth couch along the wall, not quite sitting all of the way back, but at least trying to appear comfortable.

The man got up from his chair behind his desk, moving to a leather chair caddy-corner to the couch. He adjusted his glasses, running a vein-y hand through his salt and pepper hair. He flipped to what Jongin assumed was a clean page in a small notebook, and then finally laid his tired eyes on Jongin.

"Hello, Jongin. I'm Dr. Choi, and I'm your appointed counselor and psychologist. You're pretty lucky, considering most have separate doctors. So, you'll just come to me for both your counseling and therapy sessions. Today, I just want to hear a little bit about you, Jongin, okay?" the man said, glancing down at his notebook.

Jongin was taken aback by the doctor's warmth. He was so sure he'd be ushered out the door just as quickly as he came in or at least stared down at and made to feel small, like a kid, like how everyone else treated him.

Jongin, a bit uncomfortable about talking about himself, attempted to try and rush through his life story and just focus on his dreams and why he was there at the company. The doctor nodded periodically and never broke eye contact with the nervous boy. He didn't say anything, to Jongin's dismay. He felt self-conscious and uncomfortable, and he wished the doctor would say something, anything. The doctor just listened, sometimes writing in his journal, sometimes just nodding and staring. Finally, when Jongin was visibly grasping at straws, the doctor spoke up, straightening himself in his chair.

"Jongin, what do you like to do besides dance?"

Jongin wasn't ready for the question, and so, he wrung his hands in his lap, glancing out the huge wall sized window, which looked out to a patch of green grass,  and he witnessed the wind rustle a few thin branches. It would be spring soon, so the snow was melting and buds had started appearing on bare tree limbs. He finally blurted out that he liked to read comic books, to draw, and watch television.

"What do you draw Jongin?" the man asked, seemingly interested in the hobby.

Jongin replied nonchalantly that he didn’t draw seriously, but he drew original characters and sometimes characters from comic books.

"That's really awesome, Jongin." the doctor replied. "You're really talented."

Jongin blushed at the compliment. Compliments were hard to come across at the company. Everyone tried to tear you down, nothing was ever good enough, there was always someone better, more talented. Therefore, Jongin didn't know how to take it, his cheeks reddening and his eyes dropping to his lap.

"So, Jongin, according to your files, you have been working hard as a terminal trainee. How has that been going for you?" the man asked, writing in his journal.

Jongin, sighed inwardly at the words  _terminal trainee_ , and he attempted to hide his disappointment. He told the doctor that it seemed as if nothing had changed, that he was working just as hard as before, practicing just as much as before. The doctor nodded his head, jotting some notes in his notebook.

"And what about the journal? How has that been? Have you ever journaled before?"

Jongin stuttered a bit, shaking his head _no_  and debated whether or not to lie about his usage but for some reason, he felt like he could trust the doctor, trust that he wouldn't report his usage back to management or get him in trouble.  He told him in a strained voice that he had been having a hard time writing in it and that he usually just doodled. The doctor didn't seem surprised, mad, or effected. He just nodded, looking up at Jongin.

"That's understandable. You're not going to start pouring out your thoughts and emotions overnight. You've had the journal for about three months now, right? Many report feeling like you. Don't worry or force yourself," the doctor said in between note taking.

Jongin sighed. He didn't add that he didn't completely understand why he, of all trainees, needed to do the journal. The doctor looked up, as if he forgot something.

"I have one more question, Jongin. How is your social life? How are you getting along with your roommates, classmates, and instructors?"

Jongin thought for a moment, quickly blurting out that he didn't really talk to many people, but he had been faring well with the people he did talk to.

"Have you been into any verbal altercations recently, or anything of that sort?" the man added.

Jongin shook his head, adding that he didn't like confrontation, his mind briefly fleeting to Kyungsoo on the roof. The doctor nodded.

"Okay, Jongin. I appreciate you sharing your story with me today. Do you have any questions for me?"

Jongin looked at the clock on the wall behind Dr. Choi's head. It was exactly 10:00a.m. An hour went by so fast. He shook his head  _no_ , and moved to get up. After scheduling another appointment, Jongin bowed deeply to the doctor and turned to grab the cold metal door handle.

"Alright. See you later, Jongin," the man said sitting down behind his desk.

Jongin left, quietly shutting the door behind him. He felt good and was feeling the effects of sharing a story, of removing a huge weight from his shoulder. He followed the arrows, soon finding himself back outside. It was Sunday morning, so he didn't have anything to do. He picked up the journal from the office, vowing to try to write in it again, but not worrying if he didn't, and he headed back to the dorm.

Walking into the kitchen, Jongin noticed a piece of paper tacked onto the refrigerator door with a magnet. He recognized its format. It was another assignment from the company, and it was addressed to himself, Sehun, and Chanyeol. They had to attend a meeting later that night to receive the logistics of their latest project.

He grabbed some orange juice from the fridge, gulping its contents from the clear container. His mother would have yelled at him if she knew he were drinking from the container, but she wasn't there, was she?  Jongin thought about that for a moment. He thought about how much his family was missing, how much they didn’t know. Just how much they were missing from his memories. He missed them and sometimes he wanted to go back, run back, and be the son they always expected him to be, but they supported his dream, and so, he thought that this was a small price to pay for happiness.

Jongin finished the contents, throwing the container away in the trash. He eyed the paper once more, wondering what they'll have him do this time. He had hoped to be put in control of choreography because he was feeling restless and wanted to choreograph something new.

Grabbing a vanilla creme bun, Jongin headed back to the bedroom. He looked at Moonkyu's bed to see that Moonkyu was sleeping soundly. He hadn't even hinted to that day three months ago, and so, Jongin hadn't as well.

Crawling onto his bed, Jongin made one-sided plans to go shopping with Moonkyu later. He hated shopping, but he needed some new tennis shoes for practice, and he didn't want to go alone. Upon finishing his crème bun, Jongin licked the cream from his fingers before finding himself in a small sugar coma. His eyes became unfocused, and his form laxed, and he felt himself falling asleep. The next thing he knew, or felt, was a prodding finger in his back, or was it his side?

Jongin screamed in his head for whoever it was to stop it, but he jumped up, not being able to take the poking any longer, a look of incredulousness on his face. However, his eyes softened at the sight of a familiar figure. It was Moonkyu.

"Hey, are you okay?" his best friend inquired.

Jongin sat up, rubbing his eyes. Grabbing his cell phone, Jongin saw that he had slept for about six hours. Jongin's eyes widened at the revelation. He had to get ready to go to his meeting in a half hour. He jumped up, thanking Moonkyu for waking him, and ran into the bathroom.

He looked in the mirror. He had to look semi-presentable to his coaches and instructors because they could tell when they haven't been taking care of themselves. His cheeks were slightly swollen from eating the sweet bun earlier, but it wasn't too bad. He quickly showered, but when he got out to wrap a towel around himself, there wasn’t one in sight. 

Jongin  called out for someone to grab him a towel, but no one responded. He sighed, grabbing his clothes, trying to cover his important bits, and stealthily opened the door. His skin pimpled at the change in temperature, and he almost closed the door but instead, he made a run for it, doing a sort of ballerino jete, landing into the middle of the bedroom.

His roommates all stared in his direction. Jongin could tell that they were trying not to laugh, letting him know that they didn't respond to him on purpose. Jongin figuratively melted into a puddle of embarrassment on the floor. He was wet, naked, and this was so not happening.  His roommates couldn't hold in their laughter any longer, throwing a towel at the shivering boy, shrieking when he shook his head full of wet hair at them before running back out of the room. Jongin knew that the act wasn't malicious, but really? Really, guys!?

He dried off, attempting to freshen up, and returned to the room, avoiding everyone's gaze as he searched for something to wear. Once he was dressed, he walked out of the room, yelling that he was going to his meeting, but before he got out of the door, he felt a heavy weight on his shoulder. It was Chanyeol.

"You know we were just joking, right!?"

Jongin nodded, trying to brush the heavy limb off of his shoulder.

"Alright. Alright!" the taller boy said, backing off.

Sehun was heard snickering in the background.

"Do you have any clue who we might be working with?" the taller boy asked, attempting to disperse the tension.

Jongin shook his head.

Sometimes he worked with trainees he knew, sometimes he didn’t. Jongin didn’t like group work, but it was something he had to learn to tolerate since he became a trainee. But even though he loathed it, he preferred working with trainees he knew, rather than those he didn’t. It was just easier that way.They reached the building, flashing their ID's to the front desk.

 Jongin wished they would have stopped off to get something to drink because for some reason, his throat was extremely dry as they walked into the first floor dance studios and sat along one of the mirrors. Jongin let out a loud sigh, and Chanyeol harshly patted his back in solidarity. Sehun just eyed him worriedly.

Soon, several instructors walked in and the three boys rushed to stand and bow. He recognized only two coaches, but not the others. They stood, awkwardly, waiting for them to begin.  The instructors stood in a straight line in the front of the room and not long after, Jongin heard the door open behind him. He didn't look back at his possible group mates. He didn't care. He just wanted to get his assignment and go. The instructors straightened, and began to speak.

"Okay, kids. This is broadcasting director Park Sangchul. He will be the guest evaluator for this assignment, and these are a few of his employees. They are from MBC and will be evaluating your ability to create a public friendly performance."

All of the boys bowed deeply at the guest evaluator and his employees. The speaker continued, eyeing the boys up and down.

"You will be creating an original stage. We will be looking for how public friendly the track, dance, and lyrics are. Furthermore, we will be evaluating your stage presence through your recorded performance. We will then evaluate how well you are in both individual and group interviews. Do you understand?"

A crowd of about ten voices were heard replying a formal  _Yes_. Jongin was surprised at how many voices he could hear. Would he be working with all of these trainees? His stomach flipped at the idea. The instructors cut in, however, before the butterflies in his stomach had a chance to claw their way up his throat.

"You will be split into two groups, M1 and M2". Listen for your name. M1's will stand to the left, and M2 members will step to the right. Alright?"

Another mass  _Yes_  resounded through the room.

"Okay, Sehun, Kevin, Kris, Minseok, and Yixing, M1."

The group of boys shuffled to one side. Jongin patted Sehun on the shoulder as he walked to the left side of the studio.

"Jongin, Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Yeongho, and Kyungsoo, M2."

Jongin shuffled to the right side of the room, his eyes flickering ever so slightly to Kyungsoo through the mirror. Jongin was still a bit bitter about their one and only verbal exchange.  The instructor asked each group to introduce themselves to each other if needed. They had approximately three and a half months to complete the assignment, and the presentation would take place sometime in June.

They were given a small monetary budget, a video camera to monitor their progress, and free reign of the trainee facilities to record, choreograph, and hold meetings. They would also be appointed a vocal, dance, and style coach to evaluate their progress and lend their expertise. Each group was handed a packet with dates for meetings and what not, and all of the instructors and evaluators gave a customary nod before they left the room.

Jongin felt something die inside of him. His heart dropped into the pit of trapped butterflies. Well, at least he had Chanyeol on his side, he thought. He wished Moonyu was there. He wondered briefly why he wasn't.

Jongin was abruptly taken out of his thoughts with Junmyeon declaring himself as leader since he was the oldest and had been a trainee the longest. He suggested that they give him their dorm numbers and cell phone numbers so that they could contact each other. Junmyeon passed around his cell phone with the memo application open.

Jongin typed in his name, dorm number, and phone number into the application, passing it to his left, to Kyungsoo. His hand briefly brushed up against the slim fingers as he handed the electronic over. Trying not to be overtly effected, he stuffed his hands into his pockets, awkwardly awaiting the next command. 

Once everyone finished putting in their information, Junmyeon dismissed them, telling them to think up ideas and what position they'd like to have in the group. He also said that since there were five people, there was going to be a lead vocalist, main vocalist, lead rapper, sub-rapper/sub-dancer, and then dancer. He then added that they'll discuss the responsibilities when they next meet. He bowed to them, asking for their cooperation. They awkwardly returned it, before dispersing. Jongin looked on, eyes wide. He felt like he was going to faint. This project was no joke. Chanyeol clapped him on the shoulder once again.

"Excited!?" he asked with a goofy smile plastered on his face. 

Jongin rolled his eyes at him and looked to see if Sehun had finished meeting with his mini group meeting. As he turned back around, he spotted Kyungsoo talking to Junmyeon. Their eyes met briefly before Jongin pretended he wasn't looking at him. Jongin elbowed Chanyeol instead, punishing him for his own embarrassment before eying the floor, pleading silently.

Help me.

 


	7. Six

"Jongin, concentrate!"

That was the third time Jongin messed up on that part of the choreography.

"You've never had this hard of a time grasping a sequence before," the dance instructor said, frustrated.

Jongin squatted, running his hands through his damp hair, mumbling out a quiet apology.

"Don't apologize, just get it right! I don't know what is wrong with you, but you've been dancing like you've never danced before. Is this too much for you?" the dance instructor asked, insinuating to Jongin's current situation. 

Jongin looked up, hurt that his dance instructor would doubt him like that. In all his three years at the company, he had given 200% of himself, but now that he was having a hard week, suddenly everyone thought it might be too much for him? Tears pricked the corner of Jongin's eyes. Couldn't he just have an off week? Didn't he deserve to make a mistake every once in a while? Jongin got up, requesting a five minute break.

"Take as long as you need, Jongin. Think about your priorities. You've gotten this far; don't blow it now. I'm going to give you a break today, but I want to see you have this dance down by Monday. Understand?"

Jongin nodded and bowed to his instructor before turning away, attempting to hide the tears that were threatening to overflow from his brown eyes. As soon as the instructor left, Jongin gathered his belongings to go to his special dance studio on the fourth floor. He opted for the steps, finding solace in the dim and dingy stairwell. He vowed not to cry but a few tears escaped anyway. He felt overwhelmed, sad, angry even.

He had to worry about school, training classes, and now this huge group project. And it hurt that his instructor would be so quick to doubt him, especially when he had done nothing but do everything he had been told, and he had even done it better than anyone else. I can't give you any more than I already have, he thought. Why isn't that enough?

Jongin spent the entire night in the small dance studio cycling between practicing and being on the verge of tears. After about three hours, he heard a small rapt on the door between song loops. He was tired and didn't want to talk to anyone, so he ignored it. As he was about to go over the new choreography once again, he saw, through the mirror, that whoever it was decided to come in anyway, and he prepared himself to yell at whoever it was, but he stopped short seeing a familiar face framed in long brown hair. It was his friend Taemin.

He and Taemin trained for a year or so together before Taemin debuted, leaving him alone. Jongin, of course, still had Moonkyu, but he and Taemin grew really close during that time, and although he was happy to see his friend debut, he had hoped the three of them could have debuted together, even possibly in the same group. 

Other trainees pitied Jongin when Taemin debuted, expressing their shock, their mouths open and eyes wide. They would then go on to state how they were so sure Jongin would be the one to debut in SHINee, and then they'd walk away without another word, probably happy that he did not debut.

Some trainees spread rumors about how Jongin was now jealous of Taemin and that their friendship was now strained because Jongin thought he deserved to debut first. None of the rumors were true, but Taemin couldn't help but feel sorry toward his friends, and sp, their relationship did become a tad bit strained and awkward, which only got worse with Taemin's busy schedule and the rule of not being allowed to interact with the trainees often. However, here he was in Jongin's favorite studio, the one on the fourth floor. And when Jongin saw the familiar face, he wanted to cry even more.

He wanted to confess everything he had been holding in and let someone else carry his burden for a little while, just until he could stand up straight again, but he couldn't do that that. So, Jongin turned the music off and sat down on the worn leather couch waiting for his friend, his idol friend, to say something.

"Hey... I hope you don't mind me coming here. I couldn't find you, but I knew you'd probably be here," his friend said, eyes looking everywhere but at Jongin.

Jongin, though irritated because of all the times his friend needed to come look for him, it had to be now, shook his head, motioning for Taemin to come sit down.

"Um. So, what's up?" his friend said, trying to make conversation. "Still gagging from Park instructor's bad breath when he demonstrates how he wants you all to warm up in vocal class?"

Jongin tried to chuckle at Taemin's attempt to lighten the atmosphere but he failed, the sound coming out like a strangled cough. 

"I was wondering if you could help me with one part of this choreography. I mean, if you're busy, it's okay... I just..." his friend said, trailing off.

Jongin got up, saying that it was okay, he could try to help him. He tried not to think about his own problem he was having with his own choreography and went over to the sound system. Taemin took out the video camera to show Jongin the dance, and he also handed over the CD. 

They spent the entire night, and well into the morning, dancing, play fighting, initiating dance battles over candy in Jongin's snack stash, and just being themselves. They didn't talk about their current issues or past issues and just danced in the moment. Jongin didn't want the night to end, he didn't want Taemin to leave him again, so he pretended that they were still trainees together and that he'd see Taemin tomorrow, just like he used to. 

Around 2a.m., they fell into a heap on the shiny dance floor, panting and breaking out in laughter about anything and everything.

"I miss you," Taemin said abruptly, hiding his face under the arm he threw over his eyes.

"Yeah. Me too."

They were afraid to tread any deeper than that in case one of them re-opened a wound or overstepped a boundary that may have developed unknowingly in their absence. They talked about the good times though, sharing funny stories until both of them couldn't keep their eyes open. They fell asleep around 5:00a.m., curled up on the worn couch, using their jackets as covers.

Jongin woke up from a dreamless sleep around 10:00a.m. with his back, limbs, and neck feeling as if they were on fire. He squinted, trying to remember where he was and then yesterday flooded his memories. He searched around, but his best friend was nowhere in sight. His heart deflated at the revelation, but he knew it was inevitable.

Getting up wearily from the couch, Jongin was afraid his back might break if he stood up too straight. So, he walked, hunched, over to his belongings to grab his cell phone. He had several missed calls and a few text messages. One text message was from Taemin stating that he had to leave early because of a schedule and that he had Jongin to thank for his zombie state. He then added that he wanted to see him again soon, ending with a smiley face emoticon at the end.

Jongin smiled bitterly at the text message. If he was jealous of anything, he was jealous of Taemin's ability to get away, away from the trainees and instructors. Longing crawled its way into Jongin's heart as he hoped for a better existence, a more rewarding one if nothing else. 

The missed calls were from his roommates, four of them from Moonkyu. Jongin usually came back to the dorms to sleep because they knew he was afraid of sleeping in the dance studio alone, so he sent them a mass text telling them that he's alright and he'd be on his way back to the dorm in an hour or so. He decided to check the last text message from an unfamiliar number while gathering his belongings. It was from Joonmyeon telling the group that they have a meeting later that night. 

Jongin's stomach dropped at the text. He completely forgot about the project last night, which he had Taemin to thank for, but he couldn't run from it any longer. Jongin was kind of hoping that the meeting was all a dream and that he was having hallucinations of some sort, but Jongin wasn’t that lucky to be so unaware. He then checked the attachment that Joonmyeon sent along with the text. It contained everyone's information. Jongin scowled at the attachment. As long as he did what he needed to do, he shouldn't need that. He saved it anyway but refused to put anyone into his contacts.

He called Moonkyu as soon as he left the studio. He answered on the first ring, semi-frantic. Jongin calmed him down before inviting him out to go to the sauna. He was going to need a mega massage to get those kinks out of his back and neck.

Jongin was the first to reach the sauna. He took the key from the worker and went to go store his shoes and change his clothes. As he was putting away his clothes, he felt a poke on his right cheek. He knew to look left, he knew it was Moonkyu, but to humor him since he worried him last night, he "fell" for the trick, smiling inwardly as Moonkyu smacked the back of his head, mocking him for falling for it. They got changed and went to find some food. Jongin was super hungry, only having snacked on junk food last night, and so, he ordered several baked eggs, a bowl of seaweed soup, and an iced _sikhye_.

"Wow. What did you do last night?" Moonkyu asked, looking on in wonder as Jongin stuffed almost an entire egg in his mouth.

They were sitting in the lounge area, which at that time of the morning was populated mostly by older people. The television was playing a popular drama, and so, the boys, un-interested, just sat in a corner by themselves. Jongin said through a mouth of egg that Taemin came by last night for some help with his choreography, his words muffled as he swallowed the thick mass of food.

"Ah, is that so?" his friend replied, a tinge of sadness(?) in his voice.

Jongin, picking up on his friend's sudden solemn demeanor and decided to try and lighten the mood by stuffing an egg in his best friend's mouth. Moonkyu sputtered, laughing a bit, taking an egg and cracking it on top of Jongin's clothed head. Jongin grabbed his head in mock pain, falling over as if he had been knocked out. Moonkyu laughed at the dramatic display, seemingly forgetting that Taemin, who was his best friend first, didn't come and see him or even text him to tell him he'd be coming by. 

They finished the food, deciding to put their money together for a cheap massage. After a body numbing massage, Jongin began to feel better. They ended their time at the sauna soaking in the heated water, deep in thought. Jongin was thinking about the group project even though thinking about it made his stomach hurt. He sighed and closed his eyes, almost completely submerging himself in the water.

"Anything the matter?" his friend asked, eyeing him warily.

Jongin shook his head, he didn't want to talk about it, didn't know how to talk about it. Fortunately, Moonkyu let it go, closing his eyes as well. They spent almost 45 minutes like that before Jongin succumbed to the truth that he actually had things to do that Saturday. They both left the sauna a bit more refreshed, but Jongin still saw the looming grey cloud over his head, it never quite going away.

"Hey, wanna go to the park? It's pretty nice out today." Moonkyu asked, staring at his friend's solemn face.

Jongin wanted to, he really really wanted to. Winter had long hibernated and Spring had come out to play. The flowers were blooming, and the sun felt a little bit closer to the earth. Jongin loved springtime weather, it was not too hot nor too cold, it was just right, just right for him. But as much as he wanted to be outside and hang out with his best friend, he couldn't, and so, he let his friend down gently.

"Oh... Alright. So, what are you going to do until then?" Moonkyu asked, looking blue for the second time that day.

Jongin didn't really know what was up with his friend's minor mood shifts, and so, he tried to brush it off. He replied that he was going to go back to the dorm and get some proper sleep. They waved goodbye, Moonkyu still intent on going to the park.

Jongin felt bad as he watched the slim figure walk down the street. He'd make it up to him next time. They'd go to Lotte World or something. He'd make sure of it. Jongin mechanically walked back to the dorm, the lack of proper rest finally taking its toll on him. He was grateful Sehun or Chanyeol wasn't there to make any loud noises. He set his alarm for 4:00p.m. and fell fast asleep. 

Later that day, Jongin arrived at the meeting, which was being held in one of the conference rooms allotted to them for the project. Jongin sat down next to Chanyeol, poking him in the side just because. His stomach was in knots, and he just wanted to get this over with.

Joonmyeon soon walked in with Kyungsoo trailing behind him. Joonmyeon went to the whiteboard, whereas Kyungsoo sat directly across from Jongin. The first thing the boys needed to discuss was who was in charge of what.

After a few minutes of deliberation, Chanyeol was put in charge of rapping as the lead rapper, Yeongho as sub-rapper and sub-dancer, Kyungsoo and Junmyeon were in charge of vocals, and Jongin was in charge of dancing.  Since Junmyeon and Kyungsoo were in charge of vocals, they were responsible for writing the lyrics to the song. Chanyeol was responsible for writing the rap lyrics, and Yeongho and Jongin were in charge of the choreography. Everyone seemed to be happy with their position, and so, Junmyeon moved the discussion to group roles.

Joonmyeon, as leader, was responsible for organizing, holding and leading meetings, and approving ideas. Kyungsoo volunteered to act sort of as a co-leader, which meant managing the budget, jotting down ideas, contacting members, and making sure everyone was up to date with everything they were doing, while also reporting back to the instructor in charge of the groups. Chanyeol volunteered to be the group's liaison, communicating with engineers, producers, coaches and instructors, making sure everyone was on the page. He would also make sure they'd have studio time and time with instructors and coaches. 

Jongin worried for Chanyeol, considering he had the attention span of a five year old, but he couldn't help but smile inwardly at Chanyeol being so excited for his new responsibilities.   Since Yeongho was the youngest, he was in charge of obtaining the food and supplies. He would make sure they are stocked during practices and recordings. He would also be in charge of ordering outfits and keeping track of them when the time came. 

Jongin was in charge of everything visual, at least performance wise. He would monitor everyone's performances and make the most effective decisions and changes concerning everyone's performing abilities. 

As a group, they would decide on the concept, and so, Joonmyeon lead the discussion into throwing out ideas.

"How about we do a good versus bad concept?" Yeongho threw out.

Joonmyeon wrote it on the board.

"Anything else?" he asked the group.

Jongin remained silent since he was not much of a group talker. 

"Ah, how about a robot or android concept?" Chanyeol excitedly added, doing several robotic moves with his arms.

"That'll probably be way too expensive and super lame," Junmyeon replied to the now crestfallen Chanyeol.

 Jongin patted him on the shoulder as his friend resiliently bounced back, throwing out that they should do an animal theme. They all laughed in response.

Yeongho and Junmyeon throw out a couple more possible concept ideas before everyone fell into silence. After a few moments, Jongin gathered enough courage to speak his mind, suggesting that they do a jazz club theme, which allowed all of the members to show off their vocal, rap, and dance skills equally.

The group mulled it over, but Kyungsoo, pointedly looking at Jongin, and shared how he thought that it wouldn't appeal to the younger crowd, and so, he suggested that they do a summer theme since it would be in the middle of June when they present. Pool props were really cheap, and a catchy tune was easier to make with summer in mind than with jazz. The group unanimously agreed with Kyungsoo's idea, leaving Jongin a sulking solemn mess for the rest of the meeting. Jongin agreed that Kyungsoo's idea was better than his, but that was the second time he had snubbed him. Jongin vowed to try and interact with him as little as possible. Kyungsoo annoyed him.

The meeting went on for about another 30 minutes and ended with the decision to have a meeting with a composer and engineer in three days to discuss possible tracks. Jongin was mentally drained and immediately left the meeting, sparing not one glance behind him. He decided to go pick up the journal and book it back to the dorm. 

> _TM came to visit me yesterday. He asked me to help him with his latest choreography. I was happy that he came to me for help. It makes me feel like I'm actually improving my dancing because even though I'm a terminal trainee now, my coaches don't really compliment me any more or less than before._
> 
> _I also had a group meeting today. I hate that KS guy. What is his problem? He didn't shoot anyone else's idea down except mine. Does he think since he is in a vocal group that he is better than all of us?_
> 
> _That was so embarrassing. I've been having the worst week, and I'm just tired of it. I feel like everyone has been taking their frustration out on me._
> 
> _I can't wait to get this week over with, no, this whole trainee thing over with._
> 
> _JI_

Jongin didn't know why he signed the entry, considering it was his journal and he would be the only one to read it, but he didn't erase or scratch out the initials. He closed the journal, content with being able to get that little incident off of his chest and locked the lock with the key. He hid the key in his hiding spot and packaged the book, tossing it in his book bag. He then stretched out on the bed. He wondered where Moonkyu was. Maybe he had a group meeting as well. 

Jongin had just closed his eyes when he heard his cell phone beep, letting him know he received a text message. He debated whether or not to check it because his cell phone was halfway across the room, and he was feeling lazy. But considering it might be Moonkyu, who has been really touchy lately, he hauled himself up and grabbed the electronic device off of the bookcase.

He flopped back down on his bed, prepared to text Moonkyu back, but stopped when he saw the text was from a number he didn't recognize. He opened the text which was basically a rundown of today's meeting and a reminder of when and where the next meeting with the composer would be held. Jongin made a frown at the text message because he knew it was from Kyungsoo.

He saved the number in his contacts, telling himself the reason was because he needed to know not to answer if he called, and instead of typing the contact name as Kyungsoo, KS, co-leader, or even group member, he typed in the word 'Shorty'.

Satisfied with his mini revenge, Jongin set his alarm clock for 10:00p.m. and closing his eyes, he fell asleep thinking about summer, slushies, and soot color eyes. 

 


	8. Seven

Jongin sat in the crowded classroom, struggling to pay attention to the teacher, who was droning on about one of Jongin's least favorite subjects, mathematics. He zoned out the moment his teacher turned his back, scribbling something along the lines of 2x²-2xy+y²-1=0 domain {x| x>=0} on the board, requesting that they graph the equation on their calculators.

Jongin dared a glance out of the large, thick glass window. He watched the wind tickle the leaves on the trees and the flowers lean a little toward the sunlight. A tiny brown squirrel darted across the lawn and scampered up the nearest tree trunk. He longed to be out of the classroom and outdoors.

Looking at the large clock hanging on the wall in the front of the class room, Jongin saw they only had an hour left. He must have been too obvious, however, as he heard a stern clearing of the throat from his teacher, and so, he slunk a little lower in his wooden seat, longing for the torture on his attention span to end.

When class ended, Jongin headed straight for the dance studio. He knew he had to get the choreography down from last week, and he sulked at the thought of being yelled at by his dance instructor again. He waved at the convenience store lady as he jogged to the studio. He wanted to stop and chat, but he also knew he had to attend the group meeting that night to meet with the producer and engineers.

Jongin groaned at the thought of having to go to the group meeting. It was not like he hated the work or anything, he loved dancing, but there was just something about working with multiple people. Jongin was great one on one, but when he got into groups, he couldn't help but retreat into his shell, making it awkward for himself and others. Jongin had been trying to work on it ever since he got into the company, but shyness was just a part of himself, like dancing.

Jongin was lost in thought when he heard his phone beep. He made a move to check it, but saw that he was close enough to the building that he'd just check it once he got inside. He made his way, stealthily, up to his favorite dance studio and descended into dance. It was three hours later when he realized he still needed to take a shower and go to the meeting. He and Chanyeol walked to the meeting together, Chanyeol being ten times more excited about the whole ordeal than Jongin.

"So, have any ideas about what kind of song you want to do?" asked the taller boy, smile a little too wide.

Jongin hadn't thought about it. He really didn't care what they did, just as long as he was able to do his part flawlessly. However, not to discourage the young boy, Jongin made something up, telling him that he hope they'd be able to put in a dance break of some sort, no matter what kind of song they did. He zoned out as Chanyeol chattered excitedly until they walked into the meeting, all eyes on them.

Jongin sat directly across from his new, secret enemy, avoiding his intense gaze at all cost, and he instead pretended to be engrossed in discussing the potential song they would use for the presentation.

Although subtle, Jongin was super competitive, determined to win at all cost, which at times made him irrational. So, although on the outside no one could detect his dislike for Kyungsoo, underneath the surface was a bed of simmering coals, needing only the right gust of wind to ignite it in its entirety. Jongin was determined to hate Kyungsoo, even if it was only to make himself feel better concerning the slights he had endured.

He eyed the boy, taking note of his tiny frame, pale skin, big eyes, and tiny blemishes. Jongin being the complete opposite, a bit more broad in the shoulders, tanned skin, and almond eyes, used their differences as another reason as to why he'd never get close to the boy. Not if he could help it.

Jongin didn't speak much in the meeting, Kyungsoo did not fare any better, only commenting on if he could manage and match the tempo or pitch with his voice. Those comments were enough though to allow Jongin the satisfaction of rolling his eyes at the petite boy's words, while he wasn't looking, of course. Jongin was soon brought back to reality by the producer asking him if he had any comments on anything, sarcastically stating, "Since you've been so chatty this whole meeting."

Jongin, flustered, ducked his head and replied with a quiet  _No_ , which led to the group chuckling at him, except for Kyungsoo, who just stared. Jongin's face turned several shades of red, responding to his dislike of being put on the spot. From that point on, he made a point to comment more, hoping to erase his embarrassment, but he was relieved when Joonmyeon dismissed the group. Chanyeol pulled him aside, asking him if he'd like to join the group for a quick meal somewhere.

Jongin, horrified at the thought of having to spend any more time around the group, quickly came up with an excuse to bail out, something along the lines of needing to go back to the dance studio, but Chanyeol wasn't having it and dragged him along anyway.

They all piled up in Joonmyeon's car, with Chanyeol's knee's pressing painfully up against the front seat and the seat belt holder digging cruelly into Jongin's side. They decided to go to a Chinese place because it was cheap but fulfilling. They ordered  _jjajangmyeon_ ,  _jjampong_ , and  _khanpunggi_ , to satisfy their diverse needs.

Jongin was understandably quiet because he didn't want to be there. However, they were so intent on making this group thing happen that they kept trying to include him in the conversation against his will. But when they finally got the hint, they moved onto Kyungsoo.

Since he was a vocal trainee, only Joonmyeon was familiar with him, Jongin had never sen him until that day in the studio with Kyuwan. Jongin learned all kinds of things about Kyungsoo that night, like how he was from Goyang, had an older brother, and that he liked to beat-box in his spare time. However, just when Jongin was thinking about becoming less prejudiced against the boy, Kyungsoo said something Jongin didn't think he could forgive.

"I...I just want to sing. If I had the choice, I would never dance. I hate dancing."

The group laughed the statement off, quickly changing subjects. On the one hand, they all felt like that some days, but they also knew how much dancing meant to Jongin. Jongin tried not to care, tried not to care that Kyungsoo basically just insulted his entire existence, his entire reason to live.

He tried stuffing several pieces of khanpunggi into his mouth to keep from flipping out, to keep from making a scene. He stuffed a few more pieces in his mouth to fill the hole the offensive statement pierced in his heart, but his anger resulted in him choking and Yeongho embarrassingly having to pat him several times on the back before he could breathe again.

Kyungsoo laughed at the commotion, and Chanyeol's imitation of Jongin's "near death experience" only added to the small boy's glee. Jongin glared in their direction, excusing himself to go to the restroom. Joonmyeon trailed after him, cornering him in the dingy place.

"What's the matter with you? You've been giving off these weird vibes all day," the older boy said in a loud whisper, eyeing Jongin up and down.

Jongin shrugged, turning around to relieve himself. He had known Joonmyeon for years, and so, he knew it'd be hard to lie to him, but he'd try anyway. They weren't that close. Joonmyeon didn't falter, turning to the mirror to arrange his hair.

"Do you not like the song we chose or something?"

Jongin replied  _No_ , that he was fine, and that he just had a lot on his mind. Chanyeol walked into the bathroom at that moment, prompting Joonmyeon to leave, much to Jongin's delight.

"Yo. What's up? Are you Okay?" the boy asked loudly.

Jongin finished up and turned the water on to wash his hands. Jongin just wanted to be alone, but he knew that wouldn't happen if his friends thought that something was wrong. So, he replied that he was fine, it's just that he almost died choking out there and all. Chanyeol laughed at the memory before he was startled out of it because Jongin decided to flick his wet hands at the boy before walking nonchalantly back out into the restaurant.

> _I had another group meeting today. We decided to go with an up-beat dance track, and we'll get to listen to several demo's next week. I wanted to go back to the studio after the meeting, but CY coerced me into eating out with the group. I knew I shouldn't have went. I need to start listening to my gut instinct._
> 
> _Anyway, KS proved to me once again why I don't like him, and I ended up almost killing myself because of it._
> 
> _I mean, I can understand some people not liking to dance, but we all dance, even if it is just bouncing our foot to the music. Some of us aren't good at it, but I can't help but feel attacked by his comment. Dance is my life, and sometimes I think it is the only thing I am actually good at._
> 
> _I can't even describe the feeling I get when I dance, and I kinda wish everyone could feel that feeling at least once._
> 
> _Speaking of dancing though, I haven't seen MK lately. I wonder what he is up too. Maybe he has a huge group meeting too or something._
> 
> _I don't know._
> 
> _  
> JI_

  
Jongin closed the journal, locking it, and packaging it into an envelope. He felt a bit better after writing in the journal, and he thought he could start getting used to that. However, right that moment, all he wanted to do was sleep, and so, he pushed back from the desk, and headed out to return the journal to the office. As he was walking back from the office, he spotted a lone figure walking down the street. He could recognize that walk anywhere, and so, he stealthily crept up behind the figure, throwing himself upon the unsuspecting victim. The victim, startled, pushed Jongin away but stopped short as Jongin began laughing.

"Stop it, Jongin," his best friend Moonkyu said flatly.

Jongin was kind of taken back by his friend's cold demeanor, but he brushed it off because Moonkyu had been acting weird a lot lately anyway. So, he continued walking beside him, his hands in his pocket.

"Why didn't you call me back?" his best friend asked, still looking straight ahead into the lighted darkness.

Jongin remembered receiving a text earlier and gasped because he completely forgot about it. He checked his phone and spotted the notification for missed texts, all of them from Moonkyu. Jongin felt bad, but he had been so busy. He tried to explain that to Moonkyu without revealing too much information but was surprised by Moonkyu's reply.

"Whatever. I'm tired. Let's just get back to the dorm."

Jongin thought that out of everyone he knew, Moonkyu would understand how hard he had been working. How much sleep and youth he had lost working his butt off day in and day out, and there was so much more that he couldn't even tell him. He fell behind, visibly hurt by Moonkyu's words.

Usually, Moonkyu would slow down, apologize for his irritableness, and things would go back to normal, but Moonkyu didn't look back, didn't wonder, and kept on walking at the same pace. Jongin sulked. He knew something like this was going to happen sooner or later after he found him in the internet cafe, but he had hoped that Moonkyu would have felt better or at least told him what was wrong by now. Some days he was fine and other days he was withdrawn and moody, like now. He looked at his best friend's back as he got farther and farther away.

Jongin, at that moment, made a vow to make things better between them. He let rumors and time get between him and Taemin, but he wasn't going to let whatever was happening now do the same to his relationship with Moonkyu.

Jongin's heart dropped at the thought of him and Mookyu not being friends anymore. Moonkyu had been there from the very beginning. Who else did Jongin really have? He and Moonkyu had their own world that they didn't share it with anyone else. Jongin couldn't imagine throwing all of that away. Determined, Jongin caught up with Moonkyu, latching onto his arm, mumbling an "I'm sorry" into his shoulder.

Moonyu looked back at Jongin, irritated at the younger male. However, his cold demeanor warmed at the sight of Jongin trying to use puppy dog eyes on him. Jongin was not one to grovel but for Moonkyu, he would put away his pride to put aside any problems between them. Moonkyu shrugged the younger boy off, ruffling his hair affectionately.

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry too." he said, chuckling into the night sky.

Jongin beamed wildly. It didn't take much to wrap Moonkyu around his finger and for once, he was sincerely glad for it. In order to not spoil the mood, Jongin cried out that the last one to the dorm had to treat for ice cream the next time they went out. Jongin wasn't sure when the next time they would hang out, but he knew they would eventually. He didn't want to lose Moonkyu as a friend, not even for a moment, and so, he promised to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering him. He wanted to see his best friend smile again.

 

Jongin woke up the next morning with a text from Shorty on his phone. He visibly gagged at seeing the sender, but he knew he had to open the text because it dealt with the group project. He opened the text, which read that because the instructors were worried that they'd wait until the last minute to do everything, they now had to turn in tangible progress, such as vocal recordings, proof of meetings, etc. Jongin figured as much. He didn't have to worry though since he was not one to neglect his duties.

Deleting the text message, Jongin erased all traces of Shorty ever contacting him and put away all thoughts of the group and troubles in the back of his head, while he faced the day as best as he could. Jongin kept that up for the next few weeks as well, working diligently on his craft, and it was almost like old times. He gained his respect back from his instructor, got along great with the roomies, and attended all the group meetings as instructed.

The group had received the song that they were going to perform, and Jongin was pretty excited because although it was an up-beat song, he was not restricted to choreographing campy, lame dance moves. He and Yeongho had been diligently working on coming up with a suitable dance sequence for the whole group. However, they both realized that not everyone was necessarily on their level, and so, they requested Joonmyeon to reserve some time for the group to meet at the dance studio. Jongin was curious to find out and gauge everyone's dance levels, and so, he requested they all come in Friday evening for Jongin's Dance 101 class.

They all arrived at the studio around eight o'clock. Jongin was exhausted from school and the other classes he had to attend at the company but he was, for the first time in a long time, genuinely excited for the group meeting. For once, Jongin would be in his element and could show that he was competent and not just going along with the flow, that he could actually add something to the group.

All of the group members filed into the room. Since Jongin was on the shy side, they didn't know what to expect, and so, Joonmyeon attempted to take over at the beginning but realizing this was Jongin's domain, soon stepped back into line with the other trainees. Jongin started them off with a couple of stretches, taking note on their flexibility and agility.

After warming up, he then played a song that all trainees were required to learn the dance to. He recorded them, eyeing each member's ability to match the rhythm, and he was also checking for their coordination. The trainees weren’t complete newbies and proved that they could catch the rhythm fairly quickly, and so, Jongin moved onto showing them a short piece of choreography he and Yeongho made up for the song they were going to use for the presentation. He wanted to see how fast they could learn the short sequence and also see each individuals' technique.

Unfortunately, Joonmyeon and Chanyeol proved to be the most worrisome out of the bunch. Joonmyeon could get the choreography down quickly, but he lacked technique, and so, his moves looked stiff and flat. Chanyeol, on the other hand, was very passionate but lacked finesse, and so, Jongin didn't know whether he was doing the dance moves or flailing. Jongin then monitored Kyungsoo. He was surprised at how decent Kyungsoo was at dancing, despite disliking dancing. He begrudgingly admitted to himself that Kyungsoo had potential, but he lacked passion and you could see the gears working in his brain as he danced. He would not allow the music to lead him. He wouldn't lose himself to the waves of sound and dance with his heart, not his head.

Jongin frowned, realizing that Kyungsoo might actually be the most problematic among the bunch. You can't force someone to lose control. You can't force someone to let music into their heart and sway their soul for a song or two. He could help Joonmyeon develop style or at least expose him to different styles and techniques. Jongin could even give Chanyeol tips on looking graceful despite his height, but he could not unlock someone's heart. Only they have the key to do that.

Jongin stopped the music, deeming it enough. He then put another song on. He asked the three boys to make up a short dance to the chorus. He told him he'd be back in thirty minutes. He and Yeongho decided to go pick up some take-out and snacks because dancing made you beyond hungry.

The two experienced dancers returned with a bag full of various snacks and drinks, plus several boxes of Jongin's favorite food, fried chicken. He promised them they could eat after the show.

Sitting down, Jongin munched on a chicken wing as the three boys prepared their performance for the two dancers. The choreography they came up with was predictable, but at least the steps complimented the song and wasn't too difficult for their skill level. Kyungsoo caught his eye several times throughout the number. The guy was just so closed off to the music. Jongin just wanted to give the guy a massage.

He chuckled to himself because for someone so soft and dare he say, squishy, Kyungsoo was so rigid when it came to dancing. His moves were sharp and short, and Jongin visibly cringed at how much pain Kyunsoo would be in the next day.

The two dancers clapped for the three boys when they finished their choreography, complimenting them and allowing them to eat. Jongin told everyone that he'd look over the footage again and meet with everyone individually to give them more feedback and tips on how to improve their performance. Jongin felt so good. He felt so in control, useful, and like he finally belonged. He couldn't wait to get back to the dorm and start monitoring and working on the choreography.

The hungry boys ravenously ate the meat and went through several bags of chips before calling it a night. It was about 11:00p.m. before Jongin found himself sprinting back to the dorm.

> _Today was great. I tested the guys on their dance skills and as expected, there's no one that comes close to YH and I. Poor CY. He sticks out like a sore thumb. I'll have to keep him in the back a lot in order not to draw so much attention to him or maybe I'll suggest he rap during the dance break._
> 
> _I wish MK was there though. I wish he was in the group with me. Today's meeting would have been ten times more fun._
> 
> _That KS guy is hilariously tragic. He definitely has potential, but his prejudice against dance will do him more harm than anything else. I wonder if he'll even listen to my advice, considering he just wants to sing all the time. Oh, well. I didn't even warn him to hit the sauna or his body will feel as if it will be on fire tomorrow. I could text him, but I don't think I will._
> 
> _Today was too much fun. I wish everyday could be like this. Anyway, I have to start monitoring before next week's meeting, while also trying to come up with some choreography to show the group as well. I think I'm going to be okay._
> 
> _JI_

  
Jongin hurriedly returned the journal, to return to the dorm to hop straight into the shower to soak his tired limbs. He allowed the hot, almost scalding, liquid pound on his back as he smiled to himself. He let out a huge sigh of relief. Everything seemed to be going alright. He could finally see something other than the dark cloud that usually hung over him. Although not everything was perfect, such as his relationship with Moonkyu, Jongin felt like he was strong enough to handle whatever might come. He had his confidence back, at least when it came to dancing, and during times like that, Jongin felt invincible.

After twenty minutes or so, Jongin reluctantly turned off the lukewarm water. He grabbed his towel, throwing it over his wet body. He quickly dried off, throwing on a tank and a pair of pajama bottoms, intent on running straight to bed. He walked into the bedroom and found Chanyeol fast asleep, Sehun too. Moonkyu, however, was nowhere to be seen. Jongin grabbed his cell phone, no missed calls or texts.

He heard muffled sounds coming from the common room though, and so, Jongin made his way down the dark hallway, stubbing his toe on the huge bureau.  He cursed silently, opting to use his cell phone as a flashlight to illuminate the rest of the way, as he hobbled down the dark passage. Upon reaching the common room, he saw Moonkyu watching television. Jongin wondered when Moonkyu might have gotten back to the dorm. He didn't see him when he returned from the studio.

Moonkyu didn't pay the hurt Jongin any attention, staring blankly at the television, even as Jongin sat down beside him on the worn couch.

"What, Jongin? Why don't you go to bed?"

Jongin flinched at the rapid succession of questions, not knowing how to respond. He continued to sit there in silence. He wanted things to get better but Moonkyu was, at this point, clearly distancing himself from him. Was it because of the missed texts, or Jongin's refusal to go the park? Was it because he caught him in his most vulnerable state? Jongin wasn't perfect, but Moonkyu knew that, so he didn't know why he is being so obtuse lately.

Jongin was tired of being the one to reach out though. Although he believed he owed so much to Moonkyu, Jongin was tired of his mood being brought down and not knowing why. Therefore, he awkwardly stood, ready to retreat back to the bedroom to lick his wounds, but he felt a small tug on his wrist when he took a step forward. He looked down at the bony hand and then looked at Moonkyu.

For the first time in a while, Jongin took a good look at his best friend’s face. His cheeks were gaunt, eyes tired, and mouth down cast. His best friend wasn't happy. He didn't know why though. Was he tired of being a trainee, of being away from his family? Was he dreaming a different dream now? Was there anything Jongin could do to bring back the old Moonkyu? The Moonkyu who used to play pranks on him at least once a week, the Moonkyu who used to make him breakfast when he had time, the Moonkyu who shielded him from the other trainees when no one else would? Jongin hated to admit it, but he needed Moonkyu.

Yes, Jongin knew what he needed to do to be a good dancer, such as hard work, discipline, passion, and maybe even a bit of innate talent, but he sucked at being human. Over the years, Jongin had developed a wall around his heart a few dozen feet high, and sometimes he still didn't see the point in interacting with those he couldn't benefit from in some way. But Moonkyu, somehow, Moonkyu was able to knock down every brick and pull him outside of the rubble, showing him the world he deserved to see, the person he could be.

Jongin sat back down, clinging to his friend.  His friend's sadness was his sadness and even though he wanted to revel in the glory that was today a little longer, his friend was more important. They sat on the old, lumpy, cracked but comfortable couch, silently watching some old black and white cowboy western, both nodding on and off.

Jongin was just about to nod off for good when his cell phone vibrated against his leg where he sat it on the couch. He squinted at the bright screen in the darkness, seeing that the notification was from Kyungsoo. He figured that the text would just be about the meeting today, and so, he quickly opened it to get rid of the notification. However, as he opened it, he realized that there was no attachment, and so, he read the message that spanned two texts.

_Hi, Jongin. It's Kyungsoo from the group. I know you told us that you will monitor our performances, but I was wondering if you could meet with me first? You're really talented, and I know I suck at dancing. I need a lot of help..._

_If you're busy, it's okay. I'll just wait until you get to me and then ask someone else... Sorry for texting you so late. See you at the next meeting._

Jongin stared at the text. He couldn't help the smile that made itself home on his face. Did Kyungsoo just ask him for help? Know it all, dance hating, vocalist Kyungsoo? Interesting.

Jongin  agreed that Kyungsoo was going to need specialized help, and so, he debated texting him back, but he decided against it. He still didn't know Kyungsoo that well, and so, he closed out of the texts, without deleting them, and turned off the screen. He sat the device down beside him on the couch, and he closed his eyes, allowing the movie to drown out his thoughts.

"Who was that?" his best friend asked, having being woken up probably because of his shifting.

Jongin replied that it was no one, just someone that was probably going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow. Moonkyu chuckled, snuggling deeper into the couch armrest, probably going to sleep for good. Jongin sat back, eyes growing unfocused as he watched the black and white scenes in front of him. He thought, as dreamland approached, of his dance class with his meeting in Technicolor vibrancy. Maybe he could spare Kyungsoo a second chance. Maybe he'd let himself venture out beyond his wall. Maybe.

 


	9. Eight

After a lengthy week of monitoring the group member's individual dancing skills, Jongin found one more purpose in life. He loved helping others and found joy in finding ways to make the group members become better dancers. He would stay up late into the night, lying on his bottom bunk, face cast in a bluish light. He'd scrutinize their every move, replaying the actions in his head, imagining ways to make them look more graceful, more confident, more in love with dancing.

Jongin took extra care monitoring Kyungsoo, hoping to be able to give him a proper glimpse into his world. Jongin sighed at the thought, still bitter for being insulted for his love of dance. However, Jongin had replied back to Kyungsoo concerning his request to receive extra lessons after receiving a frantic call from Joonmyeon, screaming at him to bring several pain relieving packs. Jongin even gave the small male a few home remedies that he swore by in order to stop Kyungsoo from moaning in pain as his muscles rebelled against the foreign actions he had performed the night before. Jongin figured Kyungsoo would be in pain for about a week or so. 

Although his one-sided battle with Kyungsoo remained unbeknownst to the world, Jongin savored what little victory was due to him. Although still ready to arm himself once more in case of an attack, Jongin seized arms against Kyungsoo for the sake of the group. He didn't have to be friends with him, he just had to give the semblance of friendship, and Jongin was a professional at bluffing, or at least he was when he was on stage. 

Jongin laid in bed until the sun woke up. He sighed as he sat up, taking a glance around the room, his "home". He tried to imagine a life other than that. Could he survive leaving that small pond for bigger, more treacherous waters? Jongin’s breathing sped up at the thought, the fear of the unknown causing his heart to stutter. But maybe it would be okay to live in the moment and stop carrying on his shoulders a tomorrow that may never come. A trainee lives for the future, but the future is never guaranteed. Jongin wanted to stay there in those moments before he had to leave them behind forever.

He looked over at Moonkyu, who was lying in bed facing the wall. Since the night on the couch, Jongin had been feeling like he had been walking on egg shells. His friend wouldn't tell him what was wrong, and so, Jongin, not wanting to add to his friend's sadness, had kept himself at an uncomfortable distance. He monitored alone, although he'd love for Moonkyu to be beside him, laughing along with him. He practiced alone, despite wanting Moonkyu's reflection to accompany his in the mirror. Moonkyu, however, still waited for Jongin after school, still ironed his uniform when he forgot, but they'd be hiding the truth if they said their relationship wasn't changing. 

Jongin stood up, raising his arms up into the air, his ribs protruding as he stretched his torso as best he could. He then turned to look out of the window. He moved closer, leaning on the sill. He watched the people move down below, staring at them as they went on their way, wherever that may be. He drew phantom characters and patterns on the frosty glass with his fingertips, dreaming of the day he would join them outside, for the day he would be on his own way. After a few more moments of self-reflection, Jongin turned back to the small room to see Moonkyu staring at him.

"Hey," the sleepy boy mouthed from the bed.

Jongin smiled, his eyes crinkling into upside down smiles, his figure a black silhouette as he stood against the sunlight. He clasped the outstretch hand as he made his way out of the room, and the sleepy boy snuggled back into his covers.

Jongin made his way to the bathroom. His eyes teared as he imagined debuting without Moonkyu. Jongin thought he could handle being left behind, again, but he didn't know if he had the heart to do the leaving behind. Despite what they were going through, Jongin wanted to debut together, multiplying each other’s happiness and dividing each other's sadness. He prayed that Moonkyu debuts with him or at least before him. He anticipated with a wounded heart.

Jongin invited Moonkyu out on a walk with him, but Moonkyu refused, his eyes a little too sad to see the beauty of the day. Jongin tried his best to understand, but he found himself briskly leaving the dorm, forgetting to take a jacket to combat the chilly morning air. Jongin brought himself in a little closer as the cold air enveloped him. He began walking away from the dorms in the direction of anywhere. He just needed some fresh air, some time to gather himself. 

Jongin was so focused on not being overcome by emotion that he didn't realize someone had fallen in step beside him. When he realized that the air around him had gotten a degree or so warmer, he looked up, seeing a figure in his peripheral vision. He turned his head slowly, thinking that it might be someone trying to hand him a pamphlet or something but to his surprise, it was Shor-- Kyungsoo. Jongin immediately snapped his head forward, flustered, not knowing how to respond. He slowed his footsteps, allowing himself the chance to bow slightly, not really sure what to do.

"You must really like the cold. That day on the roof, here, right now... I mean, aren't you cold?"

Jongin internally stilled at the memory of the night on the roof. He looked over at the small male, noticing his reddened cheeks and the misty puff of breath that formed on his exhale.

"I'm O-Okay...," Jongin stammered into the chilly spring air.

Kyungsoo chuckled at Jongin's stubbornness.

"Are you on your way to the studio or..." the smaller boy trailed off, looking at Jongin.

The stare caused Jongin's heart to stutter, his stomach to flutter. He hadn’t realized that out of habit he started unconsciously walking toward the dance studio. He looked back at the waiting male. Jongin wilted a little under the intense gaze. He didn't know how to respond, he was not good at small talk or things like that. 

"Uh, I'm kind of just aimlessly walking around."

Realizing just how lame that sounded, Jongin turned the question around if only to deflect attention from himself.

 "Are you on your way...?”

"No, I'm taking a walk too. It's the first time I've been able to get out of the dorms aside from when it was necessary. I've been in severe pain for the past week or so due to dancing, but thank you for the medicine packs. They really helped."

Jongin waved a hand in front of himself.

"No, no. It's alright. I'm sorry for not warning you about the after effects, especially knowing you don't dance regularly." 

Jongin felt kind of bad that he didn’t warn the older male. Kind of.

"It's Okay. I'm Okay now," the small boy replied.

Jongin left it at that, still kind of weary of the other male. They fell into a comfortable silence, the sound of their breath filling the spaces between them.

"Do you want to walk through the park?"

Jongin nodded his head, slightly curving as they made their way to the expanse of dewy grass and foliage.   They followed the footpath that weaved through the park. Jongin eyed the small bushes that dotted the path, allowing some of them to tickle his legs as he walked pass.

“Do you take walks a lot?” Jongin asked the smaller male, who was busy watching a bird take a bath in the small pond.

“Hmm? No, not usually. I’d love to, but I don’t have the time, really.” Kyungsoo replied, looking down at the gravel.

Jongin detected the hue of solitude in the smaller boy’s voice because it resonated within his own lonely soul. It’s devastating that these individuals who are surrounded by people almost every waking moment of the day feel so desolate inside, becoming estrange even to themselves after a while. Both boys rested on a park bench off of the main path. It was a safe place to observe the park goers and still remain all unto themselves.

Jongin shifted uncomfortably on the park bench, eyes resting on everything but Kyungsoo. This was the first time Jongin had hung out one on one with someone outside of his small circle of friends.  In his thoughts, Jongin touched his own nerve, afraid that Kyungsoo would find him weird, a little too quiet, uncomfortably awkward, and request that they move on. And so, he started talking, and an hour later they were still there in each other’s company.

They mainly talked about training, Kyungsoo’s stories complimentary to his own. They bonded over the realization that there will always be someone better than them and the falling but trying to get up over and over again. They talked about the possibility of debuting as an idol, in that Jongin just really wanted to dance and Kyungsoo just really wanted to sing, fame had never been the bigger dream. In the security of their own little world, Jongin confessed that he thought Kyungsoo didn’t like him to which Kyungsoo laughed, replying that he actually was, and still is, a bit intimidated by Jongin.

“Many trainees told me about how you’re cold and don’t like hanging out with other trainees, except dancers, and so, I…” the smaller male trailed off, becoming a bit self-conscious at the memory.

Jongin laughed because, on the one hand, it was true. Although he wouldn’t mind being friends with other types of trainees, he simply didn't actively venture outside of his group of friends. On the other hand, Jongin frowned at the harsh description, unnerved at the thought of what else might be being said about him.

Jongin then took the opportunity to express similar sentiments about how he thought that since Kyungsoo was in a local vocal group and how he hated dancing, he must have had a prejudice toward dancers as well. Kyungsoo pushed Jongin’s arm, laughing at their foolishness. Jongin swayed, putting his hand down on the surface beside him to counter the force, eyes in bright crescent moons, teeth white in the sunlight.

And in that very moment, they found each other amidst their lonesome.

Minutes passed as fast as seconds and hours as quickly as minutes, the sun shone in its full brilliance, warming the earth and Jongin’s cold skin, enticing him to come out of his shell. Although this was one moment Jongin wanted to stay in forever, they both couldn’t ignore reality’s knock on their door. Jongin’s stomach grumbled to which Kyungsoo looked down at the offender. Jongin clutched his stomach, trying to laugh off the grumble.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t eaten yet,” Jongin replied, embarrassed.

Kyungsoo stood up, and looked at his watch.

“Come on. I’m hungry too,” he said, black hair highlighted with flecks of silver as the sunlight reflected itself off of the thick dark strands.

Jongin got up, falling in step next to the small boy.  _Is it okay to let one more person in?_

Kyungsoo and Jongin walked the streets of Seoul eating  _tteobeokki_  and  _hotteok_  and talked about everything from music to books to injuries received as a child, both boys gasping at finding out that their birthdays were only a mere two days apart. Jongin hadn't felt like that in a long time. Like it didn't matter what time it was or where he needed to go. He just wanted to stay in those moments without thinking about before or after.

The boys soon found themselves in front of the dorm and rightfully so because Jongin made plans to meet with Yeongho to put the finishing touches on the choreography, and Kyungsoo and Joonmyeon were meeting to get approval for the group’s song lyrics.

Waiting for the elevator, they discussed Kyungsoo’s extra dance lessons. They agreed that they’d meet every Tuesday in one of the newer dance studios.

They both got into the elevator, Jongin pressing the button for the sixth floor and Kyungsoo pressing the button for the second floor, both chuckling at the absurdity of Kyungsoo using the elevator to go up one floor. They fell into silence upon their impending departure, Kyungsoo stepping out in the hallway, waving good-bye as he watched the doors shut.

“See you, Kyungsoo,” Jongin said into the empty air.

Jongin returned to a loud dorm, Sehun and Chanyeol having a makeshift karaoke party with a few other dance and rap trainees. They asked Jongin to join them, and so, he did, singing a few songs and dancing a few numbers, the positive effects from earlier that day not quite washing off yet. When he realized he needed to get ready to meet Yeongho, he left the dorm a bit early, settling into the familiar space.

> _Waking up this morning, I thought it'd be another mundane day. I asked MK to join me for a walk, but he isn't up to doing anything other than dancing lately. So, I went out by myself and you won't guess who found me. KS found me. I didn't think he'd stick around, but we ended up talking for a very long time. It's weird how we clicked, each of us seeing a glimpse of one another in each other._
> 
> _It felt like I was talking to an old friend, catching up, acting as if we never missed a beat. I haven't felt like that since meeting MK and TM. I have other friends here, but there's always an air of awkwardness around us, a degree of separation. With KS, I felt like he'd be someone I'd like to hang out with more._
> 
> _He told me he was intimidated by me, which I guess would explain his cold demeanor toward me at first. I had to laugh though because there are more people to be afraid of here, but I am not one of them. Well, maybe I am considering I let him suffer through sore muscles for a week. I'm sorry, KS._
> 
> _I feel better knowing I don't have a sincere reason to dislike him though. I'm glad he reached out to me, and I'm glad I wasn't too afraid to let him see me. Even though we just met today, I'm glad..._
> 
> _JI_

Jongin closed the journal and locked it. He brushed his hand over the cover a few times, taking a hard, long glance at it. He’s had the journal for several months now, and he was finally starting to get the gist of turning to it in times of hardship and in joy, writing in it even if it was a few sentences or a few paragraphs. He still drew in it as well, learning from Dr. Choi that drawing is also a form of getting one's feelings out. He packaged the journal into an envelope, stuffing it into his backpack just as Yeongho walked in with a box of chicken. The day just kept getting better and better.

 

The month leading up to the presentation left the boys in shambles. They worked endlessly, attempting to perfect something that didn't need to be perfect in the first place. The song had been recorded and the boys had learned the choreography like the back of their hand. There had been some bumps in the road, such as deleted recordings and intense debates on the finer points of the presentation. However, as trainees, they had been drilled in the art of compromise, and they soon learned the value of walking away, even if it was with your tail between your legs. The group was valued over the individual, and Jongin was sure that the instructors had been trying to test that value as well, seeing if they were cut out for the real deal.

Jongin had been trying to balance his trainee classes, his own advanced dance lessons, group lessons, and individual lessons with Kyungsoo, all while trying not to get sick. However, since he knew that in a few weeks all of this would be over, he didn't mind the wreckage on his body and mind.

Much to Jongin’s surprise, he and Kyungsoo had gotten closer through the individual lessons. After some thought, Jongin was sure that they would have backed off from one another, calling the first conversation a fluke. But, they found themselves only getting closer. And what kept drawing Jongin back to Kyungsoo was not that Kyungsoo tried to take him from out behind his wall and show him the world, or tell him what he was missing, it was that Kyungsoo was not afraid to join Jongin in his safe haven.

Kyungsoo was not afraid to enter his world, knock on the harden shell Jongin had built around himself, and tip-toe inside. He tried to accept Jongin for his peculiarities and insecurities. Kyungsoo had never asked for anything more than for Jongin to just be himself. And so, Jongin came to crave the feeling he got when he was around Kyungsoo. He liked the feeling of having someone beside him, beside his lonely soul.  

The moment you entered the company, you were molded into something else. You, as you stood, was not good enough. Your looks weren’t aesthetically pleasing enough, your personality not bright enough, your smile not wide enough, and your eyes not big enough. There was always room for improvement, always something lacking and even if there wasn’t, they would make sure to create something to lack. They were not afraid to plant an insecurity or two in your heart.

But with Kyungsoo, Jongin could be himself. Kyungsoo allowed him to cower behind him when they met new people, he could laugh as loud and as ugly as he wanted when he was with him, and Kyungsoo had yet to try and change him. He only tried to understand him. When they were together, the silence became a blanket and their words of encouragement a bed to lay on when there was nowhere else to go. They talked about their difficulties as trainees, Jongin helping Kyungsoo with dance and Kyungsoo helping Jongin with singing. It might not seem like much, but that was a lot considering the competitive world of trainees, where helping someone else may cost you your own dream.  

The group made fun of them, noticing how they went from cold to hot so fast, but they were grateful for the newly blossomed friendship, as the dynamics of the group were more harmonious than they were at the beginning. Even though they were all cranky and tired of working on the project, they could all find the strength to laugh with and at each other when in each other’s company, and for a moment, Jongin thought he might actually miss having a reason to be together. Lonely didn't seem so lonely anymore.

Jongin thought back to when he first started the project and how hard he made things for himself. He laughed at his silliness.

“Sounds like things are going well then,” Dr. Choi commented, smiling at the boy on the couch.

Jongin nodded enthusiastically, smiling a bit at the memories. Yes, things were going well… aside from Moonkyu. Jongin debated whether to bring up Moonkyu who had become more and more distant over the past couple of months, but he decided against it, attempting to keep that problem under lock and key for a little longer.

“Do you and Kyungsoo have anything planned today?” the doctor asked, shifting in his chair.

Jongin nodded his head. They had made plans to go help the convenience store owner remodel the store. The convenience store lady had taken a liking to Kyungsoo, asking him to sing her favorite OST songs as she made Kimchi while Jongin helped. Therefore, they enjoyed free snacks and funny stories of the 'good ol' days' and she enjoyed the free help and music. 

The doctor smiled at the plans, having long ago stopped taking notes on Jongin. Jongin had grown more comfortable around Dr. Choi, telling him more than he had ever told anyone else. He had become more like a confidant than a doctor he had to see mandatorily. Dr. Choi had helped Jongin gather the courage to open himself up to Kyungsoo. He told Jongin that he, too, was worth getting to know, that Jongin was an interesting person too.

Jongin was weary at first, not quite sure how to open up again, especially after Taemin left and Moonkyu was now acting in ways that were hurting them both. But Jongin thought that he could do it, and even if he couldn't, he wanted to try. Jongin knew not to hold his breath when it came to making sincere friendships in the company, but...

> _For KS, I think I will._
> 
> _JI_

 


	10. Nine

“No, no! Let me show you again!” Jongin said laughing, almost spitting out his bubble tea left over from their outing from earlier.

Jongin had been trying to teach Kyungsoo how to do a pirouette for the past twenty minutes. Kyungsoo tried once more to execute the ballet move, lifting one leg, and spinning about one and half times before stumbling, breaking the fantasy. Jongin handed his bubble tea to Kyungsoo to hold.

“Watch,” he said while walking to the middle of the dance floor.

Jongin put his left leg behind his right and stretched his arms out to each side. He looked as if he were about to take flight, but instead of flying he pushed off, pointing his left foot as he rested his pointed right foot slightly on his left leg. With his arms, he created an elegant loose circle. Jongin spun, one, two, three times before landing in the same position he started.

The dance studio spun, everything a blur, until Kyungsoo’s face came into focus. Jongin smiled, not a smug smile, but a proud smile. He loved dancing, and he loved to show off his dancing, and the look on Kyungsoo’s face made every moment sharing his world worth it. Jongin bowed dramatically, retrieving his bubble tea back from Kyungsoo, taking a large sip as he looked at the shorter male.

“Want to try again?” he asked as innocently as possible.

Kyungsoo frowned. Jongin sat his bubble tea down and grabbed Kyungsoo by the arm, leading him back to the spot where he stood a few moments ago.

“Okay. Like this,” Jongin said as he manually posed the petite male.

“Now, push off and spin!” Jongin yelled enthusiastically.

Kyungsoo did as told, spinning, one, two, thr--, almost three times before he stumbled, falling backward. Jongin rushed to catch him, which ended up with both of them falling to the floor.

“Ow! See, I told you I can’t do it!” the petite male laughed out.

“But you did do it! You just didn’t land too well...” Jongin said, laughing back, rubbing his bottom from the impact.

“You’re heavier than you look, Kyungsoo,” Jongin added, getting up, reaching out a hand.

Kyungsoo took the hand outstretched to him.

“You’re weaker than you look, Jongin,” the smaller male retorted.

Jongin threatened to let go of Kyungsoo’s hand, which earned him a yelp and painful tug from the smaller boy as he tried to latch on to something, anything. Jongin strengthened his grip again, pulling Kyungsoo up all of the way this time.

“I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall a second time,” he said, walking back over to his bubble tea, a small smile on his face.

The end of their Tuesday dance lessons consisted of Jongin trying to show Kyungsoo dance moves that were too advanced for him and secretly laughing at his fail. Jongin loved how serious Kyungsoo looked as he studied the dance moves, and how he wasn't afraid to at least try, even if it ended with him acquiring a few bruises here or there. Jongin didn’t feel bad though because Kyungsoo did the same thing too him during their impromptu singing lessons. Kyungsoo usually pushed Jongin’s voice higher than Jongin was sure it can go.

After they gathered up their belongings and put everything away, they both lied on the waxy dance floor, exhausted from today’s lesson, from life’s lessons. The presentation was only a week away, and Jongin was sure they were all delirious. Jongin stared at the ceiling wondering what things were going to be like after the presentation, after Kyungsoo wouldn't need any more extra dance lessons. He turned to stare at Kyungsoo who was gazing up at the ceiling and decided to poke him in the neck with his index finger.

“Ow, what are you doing!?” the older male replied, his smile softening his annoyance.

Jongin didn't reply and just kept staring.

“You’re so weird.” Kyungsoo said, throwing the words into the atmosphere.

“I know.” Jongin replied back, the reply coming out more sentimental than intended.

Kyungsoo looked over at the younger male whose brown eyes were fixed on the spot he just poked. He made a funny face at Jongin to which Jongin couldn't help but turn on his back and laugh at.

“No, you’re the weird one, Kyungsoo. You and you’re creepy facial expressions.”

“Are you nervous for the presentation next week?”

Jongin nibbled on his bottom lip, not quite sure if he is nervous or not. He was more nervous for everyone else than himself. He knew that if prepared, he’d be fine, right?

“I’m nervous,” the small boy was heard saying quietly, almost a whisper.

Jongin was taken back. Kyungsoo was unarguably the group’s best vocalist. What did he have to be nervous about?

“Are you nervous about the dance? We can go over it again if you want,” Jongin offered, not quite sure why his friend would be nervous.

Kyungsoo shook his head, his black hair fanned behind his head.

“It’s not the dance or the singing. I just get nervous when all eyes are on me, especially the eyes of instructors. I know… If I debut, it’s going to be a lot worst, but it’s just something I can’t seem to prepare for or get over yet. I even joined a vocal group, performing in front of my school and everything, but every time feels like the first time. I never get used to it,” the small boy said, a crack in his voice near the end.

Jongin could tell this was a sensitive topic, so he didn't push the older boy to continue, he just offered an ear in case his friend wanted someone to listen. After a few moments of silence, Jongin decided to speak up.

“Well, if you think it will help, you can just look over at me when you get nervous. I won’t be judging you. I’ll be rooting for you,” The younger boy said, counting the lights in the ceiling with his eyes.

“Thanks, Jongin,” the smaller boy replied, getting up, brushing invisible dirt off of his pants.

Jongin sat up as well.

“No problem! You’ll just owe me a box of chicken every time you look at me!” Jongin said, smiling up at the short male from the floor, earning himself a laugh and a sweaty towel square in the face.

They walked over to the showers and decide to wash off before heading back to the dorm.

“I’m hungry!” Jongin yelled from the shower stall, the emptiness of the facility causing his voice to echo slightly. “Buy me food!” Jongin whined to the other male, allowing the hot water to wash over his sweaty face and body. Jongin blushed slightly at himself, not used to whining or acting like a _dongsaeng_ , but he hated to admit that he loved being taken care of by Kyungsoo.

“Do you still have some leftover Kimchi from the convenience store lady?” Kyungsoo asked, trying to raise his voice over the sound of rushing water.

“Yeah… I think so. But I want something else,” he replied while lathering a pearl of shampoo in his hands.

“I know how to make Kimchi spaghetti. Would you like to try some?” Kyungsoo asked, a tinge of pride in his voice.

“Kimchi spaghetti..? That sounds kind of gross actually. Plus, I didn’t know you cooked,” Jongin said, trying to imagine Kyungsoo in the kitchen and laughing at the thought of him wearing a cute apron, waltzing around appliances, while humming and stirring pots.

“No, it’s really good! We could buy some ingredients for it on the way back to the dorms. I’ll make it for you. It’s good. Just trust me, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whined back, persuading the other male to give in.

Jongin did trust Kyungsoo, almost more than anyone else in the company, and that sort of scared him. He and Kyungsoo had been spending so much time together, causing the two months that they’ve been working on the group together to fly by.

Jongin thought about their friendship sometimes, wondering if it could get better than that, wondering if they could get any closer than they were. And sometimes, Jongin didn't think they could. Sometimes he wondered if he was asking for too much, some days just wanting to be near Kyungsoo without actually speaking and just letting his presence touch him, calm him.

He wondered if Kyungsoo found him too whiny, as he complained about the vocal instructor on the phone at two in the morning, despite knowing they had school in the morning. He wondered how Kyungsoo felt, but he was too afraid to ask.

“I trust you, Kyungsoo. But, if this concoction is gross, you owe me,” Jongin said, feigning skepticism, not telling him that he honestly wanted to see him cook, wanted to try his dish. He wanted to see that side of Kyungsoo that he had never seen before.

Kyungsoo listed his favorite foods and least favorite foods on the busy streets of Seoul as they made their way to the grocer, and Jongin took it all in, all ears, all eyes, and all smiles for Kyungsoo. They shopped for the ingredients, Kyungsoo having to take several items out of the cart because he should have known not to bring a hungry Jongin shopping. After taking way too long in the grocer, they walked back to the dorm, arms swinging in tandem, twin black grocery bags in their hands.

Jongin turned on the light to the common room. The couch was still a catch all for the boys belongings, there were still dishes in the sink, and a few ramyun containers littered the counters. Jongin smiled bashfully at Kyungsoo, his cheeks reddening a bit. 

“Sorry for the mess,” he said apologetically, inviting the small male in.

Kyungsoo entered silently, quietly, slowly making a space for himself in the place. Jongin, for the first time, cursed silently at the mess. The tanned boy attempted to clear the space as Kyungsoo set up the ingredients.

Kyungsoo named Jongin his _sous_ chef for the night, the two pretending to record an Italian cooking show. They talked in fake Italian accents, overly dramatize the slicing and stirring, and yelled _bon appetite_ while kissing their folded fingers way too many times. Jongin savored the moment because he had never had such a moment like that there before.He filed it away in his heart, the deepest part, and told his soul to guard it for he may need it one day, one day when he wouldn't be there to reenact it. 

The two boys finished cooking the kimchi spaghetti, flopping down on the overcrowded couch, Kyungsoo’s ebony eyes wide, anticipating Jongin’s first tasting of the dish. Jongin made a show of tasting the kimchi spaghetti, squeezing his eyes shut and threatening to hold his nose, bringing the utensil slowly to his open mouth. Jongin was prepared to taste the dish they had slaved over when he feels someone grab his hand, forcing the utensil in his mouth. Jongin’s eyes flew open, jerking back at the surprise.   Kyungsoo threw his head back, laughing at the younger boy’s reaction.

“You took too long! So, how does it taste?” the small boy asked, still clutching his sides.

“It’s gross! You owe me chicken,” Jongin pouted, feigning repulsion, making a gagging sound as he swallowed the mouthful.

He didn't tell Kyungsoo that the dish was actually quite delicious and that he was hoping it wouldn't be the last time the younger male made it for him. Instead he kept up the front, trying to get a reaction out of him.

“However, since it’s getting late and we’ve already spent so much time making this, I guess I’ll eat it,” Jongin added matter-of-factly.

Kyungsoo didn't fall for Jongin’s false front. He took note of how the younger male practically shoveled the noodle mixture into his mouth.

“Sure, Jongin. Whatever you say,” Kyungsoo replied back, a smile in voice.

They ate in silence, save for a few comments on the dish. The sun was setting over Seoul, and the sky looked as if it were on fire outside. Jongin became mesmerized by the display, pointing out to Kyungsoo how beautiful the sky looked. Kyungsoo agreed, both shifting to look at the sky hold colors of red, orange, and shades of blue. They were both lost in the reverie, lost in the fantasy of one day being as free as the sky, when they heard the lock on the door click. They both watched the door, prepared to be bombarded by Chanyeol and Sehun but to their surprise, it was Moonkyu.

Moonkyu walked in, taking off his shoes, closing the door softly behind him. Jongin was nervous for some reason. Maybe it was because he sensed that Moonkyu wasn't in a good mood. Kyungsoo immediately stood and bowed to Moonkyu. Moonkyu eyed the shorter male, slightly bowing in return, eyeing the bowl of food in his hands. And as if night had turned into day, Moonkyu slightly smiled.

“What are you two eating?” he asked as he descended upon the two male’s space.

Jongin jumped up to greet his best friend, eager to show off Kyungsoo’s concoction, as he liked to call it.

“Can I have some?” Moonkyu asked, looking at them both.

Jongin was shocked; He was so sure Moonkyu would have found an excuse to hide in the bedroom. So, he floundered for a moment before Kyungsoo replied  _sure_  with a smile and went to make the third male a bowl. Kyungsoo left shortly after they finished almost the entire pot of food, Jongin and Moonkyu eating about 95% of that. Jongin sat down beside Moonkyu on the couch, and laid his head on Moonkyu’s lap, attempting to let the food settle. Moonkyu patted his hair, sighing into the air.

“He seems nice.”

Jongin nodded, eyes slipping close. Although Jongin had been hanging out with Kyungsoo almost non-stop for two months, he had never had the opportunity to properly introduce Kyungsoo again to Moonkyu who, nowadays, was always off somewhere else.

“Are you happy, Jongin?” his best friend asked, hands stilling on top of the younger male’s head.

Jongin absentmindedly nodded again, just a few feet away from sleep. Jongin thought that he was happy for once. He thought that he could relive those moments again without changing a thing.

“Then I’m happy too,” his best friend was heard whispering, just as Jongin gave in to sleep.

 

Jongin walked into the convenience store hoping to buy a few medicinal packs for the group. The convenience store lady was sitting behind her counter, and looked up at the young boy as he entered.

"Aigoo, Jongin-ah! You've been busy, hmm!? Here drink this," she said, already pouring him a steaming cup of green tea.

Jongin smiled at her, nodding his head slightly, not trying to give too much away as to how tired he actually was. He grabbed the cup of hot liquid, eyeing the television, another drama was on.

"Did you eat the Kimchi, hmm!? Did you like it?" she asked, eager to hear his feedback.

Jongin told her about how delicious it was and how he and Kyungsoo made kimchi spaghetti with some of the left overs. She beamed at the news, while also telling Jongin to bring Kyungsoo back for him to sing another OST song to the newest drama she was watching. 

"He's a good kid, Jongin. He takes good care of you," the lady said, eyes on Jongin.

Jongin nodded in agreement, thankful to all Kyungsoo had done for him.  He turned to grab the medicinal packs, the convenience store lady waving her hands in front of him when he tried to pay.

"You should take care of him too, right!? Without any expectations, okay?”

Jongin nodded his head to show that he understood, even though he didn't. He bowed, smiling at her before walking out into the spring air, a little less uncertain.

 

The day of the presentation went by in a blur to Jongin who found himself caught between two states the entire day: between fainting and throwing up. He took a deep breath, but the air disturbed the butterflies, making him even more nauseous. He clung to Kyungsoo a little more than usual, which in turn caused Kyungsoo’s anxiety to rise in response to Jongin’s.

“It’s going to be okay, Jongin. We’ll do fine.”

Kyungsoo tried to comfort the younger boy, trembling himself.

“Remember you told me to look at you if I get nervous?”

Jongin shook his head.

“Well, I’m looking at you now, and you’re not doing a very good job,” Kyungsoo said, trying to loosen the younger male up.

Jongin laughed at the soft jab, remembering that he vowed that night in the dance studio to be strong for Kyungsoo. So, Jongin gathered all of his skills, training, and courage, and walked out onto the stage like he had never done before. He made a vow to represent the group as best he could and also be a wall to lean on for Kyungsoo, a shelter he could run into when he had nowhere else to turn because Kyungsoo had been that for him this whole time, without Kyungsoo even knowing it.

The performance was filed into Jongin’s memory like a dream. He couldn't tell what was real or fabricated, what really happened or what he imagined happened. He did remember making eye contact with Kyungsoo and feeling like they could conquer the world, and that was the memory Jongin chose to keep. He did not keep the feeling of being nervous or the feeling of three months of work surmounting to three minutes of entertainment; he kept the memory of having made it through alive.

No matter what happened, whether they received a positive evaluation or not, Jongin knew he gave a hundred percent of himself the entire way. He remembered the tears and the frustration of being tested every single day, but he told himself that he’d never trade a single moment away.

The group gathered in the small interview room, exhausted and delirious from the performance, but they were now being tested on their interview skills, both as a group and as individuals. Jongin was in a daze as he stared at the white walls surrounding them and the panel of judges sitting in front of him, who were staring at him as if he were a piece of meat.

There were no windows in the tiny room, and Jongin started feeling suffocated, wishing they’d be allowed a five minute break, even one minute would do. He searched the sea of faces, the instructors, his group mates, the staff, and found no comfort, no shelter from the storm. Kyungsoo, who was sitting next to Jongin sensed Jongin’s dire state, and he squeezed his hand just to let Jongin know he was still there.

The warm touch brought Jongin back to reality, it pumped just enough air into his lungs to jump start his heart. Jongin looked over at the small male, the ebony colored eyes pleading for him to calm down,  _it’s almost over, just be you. I’m right here_. So, Jongin did. He was honest, sincere, and as much of himself as he could muster as the interviewers drilled them with questions about themselves and about the group.

His training kicked in like second nature. He pushed all the right buttons and pulled every trick he had learned from his sleeve. By the end of the interview, you’d think they were a real idol group. Every member did their best to convey the hard work they did over the three months.

At the end of the session, when everything was said and done, when they had been judged, when they had been ripped apart and put back together again, that is when they cried. That is when Jongin grabbed the shorter male and despite the height difference, sobbed into his shoulder like he had never done before, at least not since the day he entered the company when he cried watching his family turn away.

Jongin had never been through that before, the realization of the entire three months weighed down on his shoulders. He didn’t think he would make it, and maybe he wouldn’t have without Kyungsoo and his ability to make him forget, make him feel like a normal kid again, like he was human. No amount of dance practice, vocal lessons, and rehearsals could make you personable, human; only connecting with another person could. And so he cried, and he searched for that warm place he knew was inside of Kyungsoo and he knocked, hoping that he could stay there just a little longer.

In that moment Jongin looked like the kid he was, not the dancing machine who had his life all planned out, who knew what he’d be doing every waking moment of the day, and maybe even the next day too. He didn't look like Korea’s next top idol. He didn't look like the person the company was trying to mold him to be. He looked like Jongin, Kim Jongin, and he knew Kyungsoo wouldn’t have him any other way.

They stayed like that for a few moments until Jongin felt safe enough to come out again. He rubbed his swollen eyes, still leaning into the male, a silent apology to Kyungsoo resting on his wet lips, but Kyungsoo hushed him, whispering a soft “You did well. I’m proud of you.” into his ear, pulling back to reveal dusky eyes staring into coffee colored ones, and Jongin thought all was right in his, no, their world again. 

> _I didn’t think I’d make it. I honestly don’t know how I did it. I prepared, prepared, and prepared, but I still didn’t feel ready. So I just ended up wishing on everything I had that we’d be okay, and here I am. I think I’ll be okay, I think I’m okay._
> 
> _Everyone shined on stage, but KS looked like he was in love with dance for the first time and he took my breath away as he lost himself to the symphony of wave sounds. If I were to be credited for anything, I’d want to be credited for that. That’s the most beautiful I’ve ever seen him when dancing, and for that, all of this is worth it._
> 
> _Our last dinner together as a group was bittersweet, we’d much rather meet again under different circumstances. I’ll miss them, but I won’t at the same time. I’ll miss KS for sure. Of course, we’ll hang out like we have been, but I can’t imagine that we’d have enough free time, considering I’m sure we’ll have another assignment or project to work on, causing our paths only to cross minimally from now on._
> 
> _My friendship with KS has been the best thing to come out of the group I think. I just, he just appeared when I least expected it and I…  And I… I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how he can tell how I’m feeling, or being the lighthouse when I’m stranded out at sea, there when I don’t think I can be…_
> 
> _It’s amazing. He’s amazing. And I feel strange writing all of this out but I just can’t pretend that I don’t notice, that I don’t care._
> 
> _This will be my last entry for a while. I have to attend a school trip. It’ll be nice to get away I think. I think I need to get away from here for a while. I don’t feel so well. But I’ll be okay, right?_
> 
> _I’ll be fine with a little fresh air in order to clear my head, my heart…_
> 
> _Yes, I think I just need some fresh air._
> 
> _JI_

Jongin locked the journal, packaging it into a brown envelope with a special request of leave of absence from picking it up until after his class trip. It was eerily quiet, the particles in the air like a blanket over the room. Jongin stared out of the window from his place at the desk, tracing figments of wonder on the glass, onto Seoul. He drew balloons against the window, against the darkened sky, and a moon that looked like a pie, trying to put his finger on the feelings stirring inside of him.

Jongin felt heavy, full, like something had settled deep within him that wasn’t there before. He sighed, trying to expel the intruder, but all was in vain. The thing, whatever it was, just burrowed itself deeper, and deeper inside of his being. It slumbered in a place Jongin couldn't touch physically. It disturbed the tranquility, his stability, and when he stood, it was with much difficulty, and all that remained was silence as he walked out into the warm spring air...

With thoughts of life being just a tad bit unfair.

 


	11. Ten

Jongin stared out of the bus window. Fields of grass and groves whirled pass his vision as he lost himself in thought. He was off to some retreat, a school trip, the last one he would ever take before he graduated and, hopefully, debuted. He wondered what it would be like when he didn't have to go to school anymore, when he  _couldn't_  attend school even if he wanted to because he wouldn’t have the time.

Moonkyu had helped him pack this morning, and it was as if nothing had ever changed between them. Jongin stood around in a daze as Moonkyu ran around making sure they had sun-screen, bug spray, phone chargers...

“Will there be electricity?”

Moonkyu seemed to be excited to get away from the company, more so than Jongin anyway.  

Sehun was set to go with them since he went to the same school, but camping, hiking, the outdoors, and the lack of bubble tea shops were sure to cause him too much stress, and so, both Moonkyu and Jongin advised him to stay in the city, where he belonged.

“I want to go swimming, and roast marshmallows, and grill, and…,” Moonkyu rattled on as he threw clothes into his suitcase.

Jongin zoned in and out as he looked out of the window, a flip flop sandal landing atop his head brought him back to reality.

“Help me, Jongin!” his best friend yelled, now deciding to pack some snacks. “Can we bring kimchi? Will there be a refrigerator?” his best friend wondered, walking, no, almost skipping to the kitchen and leaving their bedroom in a disastrous state.

Jongin sighed and laid back down on his messy bed, which was currently cluttered with possible camping outfits and things he might need, according to Moonkyu. A lotion bottle dug into his back as he counted the slats above his head, not really in the mood to do anything but sleep and maybe hang out with Kyungsoo. Jongin sighed once more as he thought of Kyungsoo. Maybe he did need a break. He found himself thinking about Kyungsoo too much. Jongin got up from his bed with renewed determination to immerse himself in the school trip.

But, here he was aboard a loud bus among a sea of rambunctious males and still could not find himself able to match their vivacity. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the noise, and found his mind wondering back to Kyungsoo. He wasn’t able to say good-bye to Kyungsoo because the vocalist was busy with other things, but Jongin was able to send him a text and promptly received a reply requesting that he get mauled by a bear. He also had the nerve to add a smiley face emoticon to the end of such a text.

Jongin laughed at the thought of encountering a bear, pretty sure that he wouldn’t stand a chance against the beast unless he could dance his way out of it, but he was positive bears weren't into dance battles.

Jongin’s mind wondered further away from the immediate situation as he thought about his friend and how close they’d gotten and how he had even come to love Kyungsoo’s dark sense of humor and sarcasm. He had come to know that those jokes were just Kyungsoo’s way of showing affection. Affection…

Neither of them were rather touchy-feely, but Jongin was without a doubt more on the clingy side to those he trusted, grabbing an arm if uncomfortable or scared, snuggling a head onto a warm shoulder or open lap when sleepy while watching a movie, allowing the other person, whoever it may be, to stroke his hair. Jongin also couldn't deny the occasional hug, wrapping his arms around the other in a tight embrace, as if he’d never let go.

He thought Kyungsoo would be annoyed by this but to Jongin’s surprise, Kyungsoo didn't mind and accepted his behavior because he realized that Jongin had been away from home for so long, been alone too long. He realized that Jongin was just a kid who pretended to be tough, to not care. He pretended to be grown up because he had to. He had to or he would never survive in the entertainment business, in that kind of world.

Jongin had also noticed how Kyungsoo naturally gravitated toward him, and to show him that he was there, Jongin allowed him into his space, into his warmth, and showed him that he could stay there for as long as he needed. So, quite naturally, this mutual need for warmth in a cold, hard place had caused them to grow closer, to lean on each other, but Jongin, recently, had found himself leaning too much, needing too much, and so, he decided to go on the trip, although it had him away from dancing, from Kyungsoo, from his world.

Jongin was dragged out of his thoughts by a poke to the cheek.

“What are you thinking about?” Moonkyu asked, face bright in the sunlight.

Jongin looked over at Moonkyu, slowly, gauging his mood. He saw no signs of clouds in his eyes, and so, instead of creating some, he decided to bathe in his sunlight by putting all troubling, depressing thoughts away, telling him that he was just thinking of what he was going to eat tonight, which had Moonkyu laughing at Jongin’s simplicity.

“I knew it... You’re always thinking of food!”

They both laughed at the remark, moving onto lighter subjects, ultimately trying to get into the outdoorsy spirit, despite this being the last time they might be able to hang out together so freely. And at the thought of that, Jongin tried a little bit harder to throw himself into this fantasy, into denial, wishing that nothing would ever change between them. Lying to himself had never felt so good.

They jumped out of the bus once they reached a secluded area. Jongin couldn't help but admire the beauty in nature. The grass seemed greener, the sky bluer, and the air purer. He stretched his limbs, not quite used to sitting still for so long, and started walking up the dirt path. He fingered the rough bark of tree trunks and allowed his bare arms to brush against hanging leaves. He loved the outdoors. He felt so free.

They reached the encampment midday, and their first task was to set up the tents. Moonkyu and Jongin quite naturally wanted to share a tent together and they got to setting one up with a few friends of theirs from class. After setting up the tent, they had a bit of free time before dinner. Moonkyu and Jongin decided to go walk around the retreat. They saw that there were horses, a trail for hiking, and one for sightseeing. They decided to walk up the trail for sightseeing.

They walked up the wooden path in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. Jongin saw a leaf that was barely hanging on to its branch, and he decided to take it off as he walked pass. He took the leaf and tickled Moonkyu’s neck, telling him that it was a bug.   As expected, Moonkyu started freaking out and running away further up the trail. Jongin ran after him, laughing hysterically at Moonkyu’s response, and when they both reached the top, they were out of breath, panting harshly having run up the steep trail. Jongin finally admitted that it was just a leaf and not a bug, which earned him a hard punch in the arm.

They leaned against the wooden rail overlooking the retreat, taking in several acres of grass and hills, a nice breeze accompanying them at that height. Moonkyu looked over at Jongin after a while, and Jongin sensing the eyes on him looked at his best friend questioningly.

“If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go?” his best friend asked seriously.

Jongin had to think for a moment, a million places crossing his mind, such as Europe, America, Home… to Kyungsoo… He snapped out of his reverie upon thinking of Kyungsoo, pushing down thoughts of him for the umpteenth time. Moonkyu cut in before Jongin could respond.

“I wouldn’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay right here, in this moment, with you.”

Jongin didn't know how to respond to that. So, Jongin just echoed his response with a  _me too_ and they left it at that. He didn't ask where that came from or why, he just focused on not thinking too much about Kyungsoo or training or the company. After some time of the two boys enjoying the serene view, a few people came to join them and Moonkyu asked them to take a few pictures of himself and Jongin. They had fun making two dimensional memories, and after taking a few photos, they headed back down for dinner.

Jongin was starving and pouted at having to grill his own food. He just wanted to eat, but fortunately Moonkyu was there because Moonkyu grilled both of their food and they found a secluded place to eat. Jongin looked at the grilled meat and vegetables, grateful to Moonkyu for so many reasons, and he knew he wouldn't ever be able to pay him back as much as he should, but he hoped Moonkyu knew he would if he could. He was just not as strong as his best friend, and he’ll never be, he thought.

They ended the night lying on the grass looking up at the constellations, and as cliché as that sounds, it was one of the most beautiful things Jongin had seen going on four years. He smiled as he counted as many stars as he could, asking Moonkyu if he could make out any shapes.

“Yup! I see a star from Orion, Canis Major, Canis Minor, and a star from Gemini. Oh, look! There’s also Sirius right at the bottom!” his best friend said, pointing in each star's direction.

Jongin tried to follow his best friend’s finger but stopped, figuring his best friend was just messing with him and proceeded to grip a fistful of grass and throw it in his best friend’s direction. Moonkyu laughed, covering his face, sputtering at the thin strips of green earth.

“I’m serious!” his best friend cried out, sighing.

Jongin smiled over at his friend, a look of disbelief in his eyes, a “you’re crazy” on his lips. They stayed like that for a while until both were too tired to stay awake any longer.

That night Jongin dreamt of being in the dance studio, his favorite dance studio, and the huge floor to ceiling windows allowed the blinding white sunlight to flood the entire space. He didn't know what he was dancing to but the next thing he knew, Kyungsoo was there and he was walking toward him. The music had stopped and all he heard was Kyungsoo clapping as he walked toward him, ebony eyes never leaving his own.

Jongin had just stood there as if in a trance, as if he had been waiting for him. Kyungsoo didn't stop walking until he was right in front of Jongin. He was so close Jongin could feel his body heat. Kyungsoo had stopped clapping and instead wrapped his arms around Jongin’s neck and brought his face close in order to whisper in Jongin’s ear. Jongin heard the almost inaudible words, “You did well. I’m proud of you.”

Jongin closed his eyes as Kyungsoo pulled away, and he felt cold. He wanted Kyungsoo to hold him again, make him feel warm again. He opened his eyes, looking at Kyungsoo’s face, searching his dark eyes for something he wasn’t even sure of. Jongin took in the smooth alabaster skin, the big soot color eyes, and the smattering of night colored moles along his neck and face. He reached out to trace the inverted constellation, black stars among a white sky, his fingers played against Kyungsoo’s jaw.

Jongin didn't know who started it first, but he felt lips upon his and instead of pulling away, he melted into it, holding on for dear life as Kyungsoo deepened the kiss. Jongin parted his lips for Kyungsoo as he felt the male thread nimble fingers through his soft silky hair, and he sighed when he felt Kyungsoo's tongue slide against his. Jongin pushed himself further up against the male, wrapping his arms around the thin frame, needing more, wanting so much more...

Jongin woke up in a pool of sweat, his heart was racing, and his sleeping bag felt more like a tomb instead of a safe place to rest. He looked over and saw Moonkyu and his classmates still fast asleep. He pulled out his cell phone, the bright light illuminating the small space, and he saw that it was about 4:30 in the morning.

Jongin got out of his sleeping bag and as quietly as possible, he unzipped the tent and descended upon the cool summer night air. Jongin, gratefully, found the camp deserted, everyone long having gone to sleep. He decided not to wonder too far, but found a little secluded place near a tiny pond, and he sat near it, pulling his knees up to his chest.

A single tear slipped down his face as his heart and head overloaded his system with mixed messages. A thousand unanswered questions flooded his mind, most of them beginning with the word ‘why’.

He tried not to think of the dream, but his heart wouldn't let him not feel it. What did the dream mean? Jongin wished he had his journal to write all of this down. He felt sick, like he was going to vomit, word vomit all over himself. He wished Kyungsoo were he-… Jongin's stomach lurched at the thought of the younger male, more hot tears caressing his face.

Up until the dream, Jongin had never had any thoughts of kissing a male before. Of course, he had been dared to kiss another male friend far too many times by friends drunk on hormones, but he had never thought of voluntarily committing such an act before, a sinful act, right? Did this mean he was in love with his friend or was his subconscious just playing tricks on his heart? Should he get a girlfriend? What should he do? What was the world trying to do to him, what was it trying to tell him?

Jongin pounded his fist on the damp grass as he threw out questions telepathically to the universe, waiting, praying, for an answer, any answer. He wanted to tell himself that it was just a dream and it meant nothing, but he couldn't deny that it felt so real, that the kiss felt like it had been something his heart had been longing for. Jongin made himself sick trying to shut the thoughts out and deaden his feelings. His eyes were puffy from trying not to cry, for trying not to think of  _what now?_ Instead he watched the sunrise and tried not to think.

He soon heard footsteps behind him, so he tried to pretend like he was okay, because he’ll be okay, right? He was just confused, it was just a dream, and dreams aren’t wishes your heart makes, they’re just random scenes…just random scenes that he couldn't understand, shouldn’t understand, right? Determined to be okay again, Jongin turned around to face his best friend with the brightest smile he could muster in the face of the storm inside of him.

 

Being away from Kyungsoo was a blessing for Jongin at the moment. He just couldn’t bear being around the younger male yet, and just the thought of him made his heart turn into knots. He immersed himself in the activities and surroundings, allowing Moonkyu to drag him around the retreat like a rag doll. Once again, Jongin had Moonkyu to be grateful for.

“What’s wrong? You’re not complaining as much as you usually do? And you haven’t touched your kimbap. What's up?” His best friend asked as they sat eating, or as Moonkyu sat eating because Jongin hadn’t been hungry for the past couple of days.

Jongin just shrugged, not even wanting to tell his best friend what happened that night in his head. He just wanted to forget it all, but he was more affected than he thought, letting it hang over him like an umbrella. For the first time, Jongin felt like he needed his journal. He needed to sort these thoughts out; they were overwhelming him. He felt as if he was going to break any moment. Maybe he did need to see Kyungsoo. That way he could show himself that nothing has changed, that the dream was just a glitch in the system.

Lying back onto the grass and taking a bite of _kimbap_ , Jongin shielded his eyes from the sun, chewing the tasteless mass in his mouth. There wasn't a cloud in sight, but why did he feel like he was trying to navigate life while in the midst of fog. He used to be able to see things so clearly, but now… He heard his friend shift so that he was lying down beside him.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure you will figure it out,” Moonkyu said around a mouth full of kimbap.

Jongin wanted to believe in Moonkyu one more time, but he hated to admit that he wasn’t so sure anymore. He hadn’t prepared for this. He hadn’t prepared himself to fall in love. Not now, not ever. Falling in love was never calculated into his plans, especially not falling in love with Kyungsoo.


	12. Eleven

When Jongin arrived back at the dorms, it was dark outside, and he was beyond exhausted and tired, but he decided to run straight to the administration’s office for the journal after putting his luggage down and grabbing the journal’s key. He needed it.

Jongin clutched the package in his arms when he left the brightly lit office and headed straight to the dance studio. He decided not to go to his favorite dance studio on the fourth floor, memories of the dream still haunting him four days later. Instead, he went to one of the old dance studios on the fifth floor and even though it felt weird not being in his safe haven, he knew he wouldn't be bothered there.

He dimmed the lights and sat down on the cold waxy floor. He took the journal out of the package, eyeing it to see if it was the same as he left it. Jongin was pleased to see that it was just as he left it, as if it had been waiting for him this whole time. Some things just didn't change. He lied down on his stomach, opening the journal, and flipping to a clean page. Jongin began to write.

He wrote and wrote until he didn't think he could write anymore. He wrote about the trip, about the dream, about his feelings before, after, and now. He wrote about himself, and he wrote about Kyungsoo, but he still didn't understand anything. Even with everything laid out in front of him, he still couldn't seem to come to any logical conclusion.

Jongin’s hands were cramping, so he lied his head down on the cool sheets of paper to rest. He woke a few hours later, his journal still under his head. Everything was the same except there were a few smudges that blurred the ink. Jongin looked at the mess of handwriting, sighing quietly to himself. He felt a bit better getting everything all out, and he hadn't had any more dreams since that night, and so, Jongin started to believe that maybe the dream was just a magical conjuring up of all the stress he had been through for those three months. Yes, that had to be it.

Jongin closed the journal, locking it, and packaged it back in the envelope, vowing to return it later. He laid his head down once more, thinking about how and when he should approach Kyungsoo. Jongin had made a vow to never tell Kyungsoo about the dream, but right now, he didn't think he could face him anyway. He wanted to see his friend, he wanted to hear his voice, but Jongin figured it was for the best that he kept his distance.

For the next few days, Jongin used the excuse of being busy to refuse Kyungsoo’s requests to hang out. Jongin felt bad, and he really did want to hang out with Kyungsoo, but he was afraid of his dream more, and so, he hung out in the dance studio alone because Moonkyu also had been busy with what he believed to be a company assignment.

 

It was early morning when Jongin was on his way to visit the convenience store lady because she just bought a new air conditioner and wanted Jongin to help her install it. He walked into the familiar place to find Kyungsoo there at the counter.  Jongin’s heart dropped at the sight of the older male, his eyes immediately falling to the floor. He bowed as he walked in, the convenience store lady already pushing a cup of bitter green tea, iced this time, toward him. Jongin quietly threw a Hey to Kyungsoo and joined them at the counter.

“Hey, yourself, stranger,” Kyungsoo replied back, smiling at the younger boy.

Jongin distracted himself by drinking his tea, welcoming the cringe that came from its bitterness. Jongin’s senses were hyper aware as he stood next to the shorter male. Everything felt, smelled, and seemed more intense than usual. From the cologne the smaller boy was wearing to the tone of his voice as he talked, and even the little hand movements he did when he is trying to make a point rattled Jongin to his core. Jongin saw a blur in front of his face and realized that it is Kyungsoo waving a hand in front of him.

“Earth to Jongin, are you in there?” the older boy asked as both he and the convenience store owner stared at the tanned male with concern.

“Are you alright, Jongin. Do you feel ill?” the convenience store lady asked him.

Jongin shook his head, smiling warmly to not worry them.

“Alright, well, the air conditioner is over there, and I’d like it in that window over there. I’ll make you two tteokbokki in the meantime, hmmm!?” the lady said, already getting out the ingredients.

The two boys said yes in unison, looking at each other at the coincidence. Jongin looked down, afraid of what he might see, might say, if he looked into his friend’s eyes. So, he hurriedly went over to the air conditioner, ready to get this over with. They opened the box, Jongin gasping when Kyungsoo’s hand brushed his. He mentally berated himself for being so dramatic, for his heart to be beating so wildly.

They both heaved the heavy machinery up and slowly moved it over to the window. Kyungsoo suggested that Jongin go outside to the other side of the window to guide the air conditioner through the small frame. Jongin complied, grateful for the fresh air, for the space between them, and not too long after, they got the air conditioner installed and up and running.

Kyungsoo clapped Jongin on the back; a “Thanks” was whispered his way. Jongin blushed slightly, and he didn't even know why. They ate a few pieces of tteokbokki, but Jongin and Kyungsoo both needed to run in a few for a meeting. Jongin warmed up a bit to Kyungsoo over food and conversation. Now he was able to at least look him in the eyes, and so, they walked to the meeting together.

“Are you okay, Jongin?” his friend asked, his hands in his pockets. “Did something happen on your trip?”

Jongin wanted to tell him yes, and that he was the cause of it, and that he wanted him to fix it, but he didn't. He just looked up at the streetlights, a small No, nothing happened. I’m just tired, that’s all on his lips.

Kyungsoo left it at that, and picked up the pace to the meeting. Jongin trailed after him, watching his friend race on ahead of him. Jongin frowned. He didn’t like this, but he couldn't change how he was feeling, not yet anyway. He couldn't accept it, couldn't believe it, not yet.

When they arrived at the meeting, they decided to stand near the back. Jongin saw Chanyeol, Sehun, Junmyeon, and lots of other trainees in the room as well. No one seemed to know what was going on, and Jongin felt kind of nauseous as his mind raced back to the previous three months. He unconsciously moved closer to Kyungsoo as the anxiety rose within him. He didn't think he could go through that again just yet. Kyungsoo looked over at the trembling boy and ran a hand up and down his arm.

“What” he mouthed to Jongin.

Jongin just closed his eyes and shook his head, just wanting to stand closer to Kyungsoo, just needing to feel his presence. Soon, a few coaches, instructors, and people from management walked into the brightly lit room. The trainees bowed to them and waited patiently, albeit a bit fidgety, for their next assignment.

“Hello trainees, we, the staff, have brought you all here for a special announcement. You all are proven to be exceptional trainees and after much deliberation we have decided that you all have been chosen to debut in the next boy band, EXO.”

Gasps were heard all around the room. Jongin felt as if he would pass out, and so, he visibly leaned on Kyungsoo who was staring wide-eyed in the instructors and staffs direction. The staff waited until the boys calmed down.

“EXO will be one of our latest innovations in that there will be two versions. There will be EXO-M, which stands for EXO-Mandarin and EXO-K, which stands for EXO-Korean. Both groups will debut at the same time and will release twin projects at the same time as well. However, EXO-M will be active in China, and EXO-K will be active here in Korea,” one of the members of management said to the group of trainees.

“There will be six of you in EXO-M and six of you in EXO-K. You will be set to debut within the next year and a half, and during that year we will be monitoring you all very closely as you prepare for your debut,” another staff member added.

“You will be moving out of your current dorms away from the other trainees within the next month and will begin officially recording and learning choreography soon after. Of course, if we think you are not fit for the group, we will replace you and you will have the choice of leaving the company or remaining a trainee,” another member of management said to the group of dumbstruck boys.

“Now, I am sure you are curious as to who will be in which group, am I right? The lineup is not set in stone and we will move you accordingly if need be. However, as of now, this is the lineup: Luhan, Yixing, Jongin, Minseok, Yushisu, and JungHun in EXO-M and Joonmyeon, Kris, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, Sehun, and Johnny in EXO-K." 

"Once again, the lineup is not set in stone, and we may replace and or switch members to other groups, but we want to begin this project as soon as possible. Therefore, you will be receiving further individual instructions at a later date. Thank you,” the staff member said before walking out of the room with the rest of the management, instructors, and coaches. 

Jongin felt numb at the news. Shouldn’t he be ecstatic, ready to embark on his dream? Was that his dream? To debut in a Chinese group? Of course, there was always the possibility considering he had been taking Chinese lessons for the past couple of years, but he honestly didn’t think he would debut in an exclusively Chinese group. Plus, where was Moonkyu? He should have been debuting as well. And what about Kyungsoo…?

He looked over at the smaller male who looked as white as a sheet of paper. He didn’t want to be apart from Kyungsoo as much as he told himself he wanted to be. Unable to control himself, Jongin pulled Kyungsoo into a hug, hugging him until he felt the older male join him in their little world.

“Congratulations, Kyungsoo,” Jongin said against the smaller male, tears threatening to make their existence known.

“You too, Jongin. I’m proud of you,” the older male replied against his shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while until they were interrupted by Sehun and Chanyeol who were literally bouncing off of the walls. When they saw Jongin’s face, however, their demeanor changed, realization finally sinking in.

“Wow, EXO-M,” said Chanyeol, not quite sure what to say.

Jongin tried to smile, and he did, it just didn't reach his eyes or his heart, but it reached his head, which was all that really mattered. They shared congratulations and Jongin headed back to the dance studio, alone. He just wanted to be alone. Kyungsoo wanted to stay with him, holding onto his arm as he tried to walk away, but Jongin brushed him off.

“Please. I’m sorry. Not right now.”

It broke his heart to do that, to see Kyungsoo looking up at him like that, but he couldn't right now. He physically, emotionally, and mentally couldn't. He didn't look back as he walked down the street, eyes glued to the wet pavement below his feet. He walked up the dim stairwell to his favorite studio. He walked in, not bothering to turn on the lights, and walked expertly over to the leather couch in the corner. He laid down on the cool leather and closed his eye. He didn't dance, he didn't write in his journal, he just lied there, not even really thinking, just being. He fell asleep but woke up a few hours later to several text messages and missed calls.

The missed calls were mainly from Sehun and Chanyeol, but there were also some from other trainees, congratulating him on his debut. He found it strange that Sehun and Chanyeol would be calling him because he just saw them a few hours earlier. So, maybe they were inviting him out to celebrate. He listened to the voicemails, which all consisted of them asking him to come back to the dorms quickly. They must have even called Kyungsoo wondering where Jongin could be because Kyungsoo left several text messages as well. Jongin wondered what could be the matter and despite him wanting to just be alone for the night, he reluctantly got up to go back to the dorms.

Jongin sprinted through the humid summer air, not caring if his lungs screamed out for him to stop, to breathe. Once he reached the familiar building, he tore open the glass doors, running up the six flights of stairs until he reached his dorm. He turned the key, failing to open the door the first two times, their door knob still not having been fixed, but he finally got in on the next try and quietly opened the door, and looked around the common room.

The room was vacant, but he heard yelling from the bedroom, and so, he ran down the hallway. Jongin stood in the doorway of their small bedroom, Sehun and Chanyeol leaving at the sight of him, their eyes red and puffy. They didn't look Jongin in the eye when they walked out, eyes downcast, as if ashamed.

Jongin walked into the small room, trying to peer around the huge bunk beds that obstructed his view. He heard rustling and his heart sped up a few beats per minute. He tip toed into the room and saw the back of his best friend. He looked around. Drawers were open, clothes were strewn everywhere, certain shelves were empty, and Jongin felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Tears spilled from his cocoa color eyes, his best friend still not acknowledging him.

He wanted to scream out, Why? Why are you doing this to me? But Jongin knew that this wasn’t about him, so he just stood there and waited, and he waited with a wounded heart, not sure if he could survive what was coming.

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” Moonkyu said, breaking the silence, back still turned, but at least he had stopped packing.

Jongin physically turned his head away from his best friend’s back, unable to take in the scene any longer, unable to see his best friend any longer through the tears blurring his vision. Today was supposed to be the pinnacle of his life, the best moment in his miniscule lifetime and yet, the complete opposite had happened. Today had turned out to be the worst day of his existence. Jongin attempted to swallow down the lump in his throat that was blocking his airway, and he crossed his arms because it was the least he could do to protect his heart.

“Congratulations, Jongin. I sincerely mean it,” his best friend said, turning around to face the broken man, no, broken boy.

Jongin’s face contorted as he tried not to cry hearing those words, turning his body away from his best friend. He should be saying those words to Moonkyu. They should be saying them to each other. His best friend grabbed his arms trying to face him back toward him.

“Jongin, stop it! It’s not the end of the world; it’s not the end of the road for you.”

Jongin tried to wrangle himself away from his best friend, he couldn't do this; he couldn't listen to this anymore.

“Listen, Jongin. I just can’t live like this anymore." his best friend yelled, gesturing his arms toward the room.

"I really am happy for you and all of the other trainees. God knows all of you, especially you, Jongin, deserve it. But, I just can’t pretend to be okay,” his best friend said, on the verge of tears himself.

“I’ve been here longer than most of you, and…” Moonkyu continued, voice cracking.

“I’ve been trying, Jongin. I really have. I’ve been trying to be so strong for you, for me,” Moonkyu added, tears seeping into his words.

Jongin looked at his best friend, and wiping the tears from his own eyes, he saw his best friend for the first time in a long time. He had always known he was never stronger than Moonkyu, nor as smart, or as caring, but that didn't mean he couldn't try to be.

“I’m leaving too then,” Jongin said, his voice thin and small. There's no point in me being here Jongin thought. His rock was leaving him.

Moonkyu looked at him with an unreadable expression, one of shock, defeat, and something else. Jongin moved to get his belongings as well.

“Please, Jongin. Don’t do this to me,” Moonkyu said forcefully.

“Please, don’t do this for me,” his best friend said, a bit weaker that time.

Jongin turned around facing his best friend, both of them at a crossroads of some sort. 

“Why wouldn’t I do this for you, Moonkyu? You’re my best friend. I can’t do this without you. I can’t…” Jongin said, faltering at the foot of his own soul.

“I’m not as strong as you, Moonkyu. I don’t know why you don’t see that…” Jongin continued.

“See? That’s where you are wrong, Jongin. You can do this without me, you will do this without me,” his best friend replied, turning to put more of his belongings into his luggage.

That was the point where Jongin completely broke down, knees hitting the floor with a loud thud, as a sob wracked his body. All of his problems felt ten times heavier right that moment, and knowing he'd have to carry them alone now was overwhelming.

At least with Taemin, Jongin always had the chance to enter his world because it was the same world he had been dreaming of since he stepped foot in the company but Moonkyu, Moonkyu was leaving him. How could he go to his best friend, his very best friend, but to follow him? Moonkyu continued packing but stopped to say something Jongin would never forget. 

“Jongin, you don’t get it,” his best friend said, a hint of anger in his voice.

Jongin quieted at the tone, only a few sniffles escaping his broken heart.

“Jongin, everyone loves you. Everyone is rooting for you, has been rooting for you since you got here. Everyone wants to be your friend, wants to be a part of your life no matter how hard they try to deny it. Even Taemin, who came back after two years to visit you, just you, Jongin,” his best friend’s voice broke a bit at the confession.

“And then you made a really great friend named Kyungsoo all on your own and you two built a room for just the two of you, and I was happy for you. I still am,” his friend said with a hint of sadness. 

“Now you’re debuting, Jongin. You’re one step away from your dream. You have it all and you don’t even realize it,” his best friend begged, turning to face him, eyes tired, lips chapped, soul cracked.

"So, please, Jongin. Let me have just this. Let me just walk away with an ounce of dignity. Since I can’t have you, can I have this instead? Can’t I be selfish this one time?” his best friend pleaded, kneeling down in front of Jongin who couldn’t was struggling to think straight.

“This is your world, Jongin. I’ll be okay. I’ll be rooting for you like I have been since day one.” Moonkyu said, fixing the young boy's hair, trying to patch a broken heart.

Jongin couldn't do this, slumping to the floor in defeat.

“What do you mean "can’t have me?" Jongin asked, not quite all the way there.

“You really don’t know, Jongin?” Moonkyu questioned the tired boy.

Jongin looked into Moonkyu’s eyes. Don’t know what?

Moonkyu chuckled, eyes shifting to Jongin’s frayed knee.

“That I want you, Jongin, ”Moonkyu said, looking back up at a silent Jongin, brown eyes searching brown eyes.

"That I want you more than a friend... but that doesn’t matter now. I already know you don’t feel that way about me...,” his best friend finished, removing his hand from Jongin's head.

Jongin grabbed his best friend’s arm, pulling him against him. He didn't know what to say or how to feel, words failing him for the umpteenth time that night. How come he didn't see it? Jongin knew it was selfish of him to cry when it should have been Moonkyu crying, but Jongin didn't know what else to do.  He crushed his lips up against Moonkyu's trying to get him to feel him, to understand that he needed him, that he couldn't leave him.

What else could he do to make him stay? No, he had never thought of Moonkyu in _that_ way, but he could, right? Moonkyu didn't respond at first, stunned, but he started kissing Jongin back with equal fervor. If only their souls could touch, that would have been the moment. Jongin pushed himself up against Moonkyu, wrapping tanned arms around a slim neck, until he felt a push against his chest and Moonkyu trying to turn his head. They unwillingly broke apart, chests heaving, and hearts grieving.

"Why? Don't you want me?" Jongin asked, trying to push himself up against Moonkyu again.

Moonkyu pushed Jongin away harder this time, Jongin falling backward onto the clothes strewn floor.

"Come on, Moonkyu!! I'm trying to give you what you want! Now that I can finally give you what you want, repay you for all you’ve done for me, you don't want it!?" Jongin yelled, exasperated.

Tears streamed down his face, his ego bruised, his pride abused.

"Stop it, Jongin. You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're asking from me... from yourself," Moonkyu flatly said back, heart breaking at the sight of the broken boy shattered before him.

Jongin threw himself against Moonkyu once more, but not to try and kiss him, just to hold him and be held and to cry. Moonkyu didn't cry, his tears long dried up back in the internet cafe, but that didn't mean Jongin couldn't cry, and so, he let him. 

Jongin wished that this was all a dream, that he would wake up tomorrow, and he’d see that Moonkyu had ironed his uniform and would have sent him a text reminding him to bring an umbrella because it was going to rain, and then he’d be waiting at the gates after school to go out for bubble tea with Sehun, and then they’d go and make up dances until they couldn't walk.

But reality had never been that kind to Jongin, and so, he cried at the unfairness of it all. He clung to his best friend because he didn't want to let go, and he cried because he just didn't know… Was this worth it? Was losing his best friend worth it? Was this dream worth dreaming anymore? In the beginning, Jongin would have scoffed at the idea of him following another path, but that night, he might have actually considered it. 


	13. Twelve

Jongin woke up to a loud thunder clap that ricocheted through his entire body. He slowly opened his eyes to see the room cast in a dim, bluish light telling him that it was probably early morning. He laid there a while allowing the sound of rain to soothe his aching soul. He dared a glance over at Moonkyu's bed, and a fresh wave of anguish gripped his heart as he took in the made covers, the lack of a body inside of them, and the lack of a messy head of hair lying upon the pillow. Yesterday really did happen.

Jongin allowed a sob to overcome him, and he tore his eyes from the sight, distraught that he let himself fall asleep, that he didn't fight against tomorrow. He allowed the tears to spill from his eyes and gather on his pillow. He cried along to the pit-a-pat of the rain on the window.  Jongin had never felt more alone than he had in that moment. Jongin didn't join the company to make friends, but he happened to make one, his very first one, and his exit was as abrupt as his entrance. 

Memories of the night before replayed themselves in Jongin's head like a broken record, choppy, distorted, and hard to take in. Jongin pulled the covers over his head to try and block it out, but he couldn't help but feel like he had failed in some unforgivable way, some shameful way, and so, he hid under the cover, hid from reality, from himself. The heat from his breath under the covers gave him some semblance of comfort, and Jongin fell into a dreamless sleep. 

Jongin awakened to a timid tap to the shoulder. He did not answer the touch. He couldn't find the strength to roll over, to talk, to face anything. And so, he laid in bed for the rest of the day, and the next day as well, only getting up to go to the bathroom and to dry heave over the white porcelain toilet. He didn't bother looking in the mirror because he knew he looked as terrible as he felt, and he didn't care. He embraced it all. An ode to Moonkyu.

Jongin thought of Moonkyu while in bed a few days later. He recalled how he watched Moonkyu walk out with the wind, leaving him breathless. He relived the moments before he turned his back on him, determined to walk on a separate path. Jongin couldn't cry anymore, but his feelings were still raw, still sensitive, and so, he lied there paralyzed, a shell of himself. Although Moonkyu said they would meet again, how could Jongin be okay? He wanted to believe in Moonkyu once more, but it hurt.

On the fourth day, Jongin took a proper shower, albeit cold, because misery loved company. Jongin also ate a proper meal on the fourth day, Sehun and Chanyeol refusing to leave his side until he did. Jongin continued to fight against the days, unwilling to participate in life, breathing only because he had to.

He ignored the calls and texts on his cell phone. He knew he was being melodramatic, but he deserved to be sometimes. He deserved to feel every second of his sadness. His coaches, instructors, and staff were too afraid to confront him lest he leave as well, so they cleared his schedule, allowing him time to heal. And after a week, Jongin left the dorm for the first time.

He left under the cover of night, walking briskly on the artificially lit sidewalk, his swollen eyes hidden under the brim of his baseball cap.  He picked up the journal from the brightly lit office, the lady surprised at his appearance, but more than happy to comply, suggesting he bring it back whenever he could. He bowed and walked once more into the night.

Jongin holed himself up in his dance studio. He didn't dance, he just laid on the small couch, thinking and writing. He thought about his entire time at the company, writing everything down in the journal. He thought maybe if he could get it all down in writing, get it all out, it would find its way from his heart to the blank pages below him. He wanted to be as empty as he felt. He didn't want to cry anymore, he didn't want to hurt anymore.

On the second day, Jongin punched one of the mirrors, leaving his hand black and blue. He didn't care. At least he’d have a reason to cry. The physical pain caused the tears that had refused to come out to spring from his eyes. He slumped down on the floor in pain, welcoming the excuse to cry the way he had been wanting to. 

Jongin heard a knock on the door, but he locked it. He didn’t want company. He slid down the frosty door, tears silently streaming down his face, willing whoever it was to just go away. The knock had become more persistent, only agitating Jongin more. 

"Jongin?" the voice on the other side of the door asked timidly. "Jongin? Please, let me in," the voice begged on the outside.

Jongin leaned his head back against the cool frosted glass, his heart too tight and the lump in his throat suffocating him.  The knocking stopped and Jongin thought the person on the other side had given up, but instead he heard the person slide down the door as well, he and Jongin sitting back to back. Jongin refused to let the person in, keeping the door closed, keeping his heart closed. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity or two until the voice on the other side broke the silence.

" _I'm afraid. I'm not a strong person. I'm afraid because I'm nothing without you. You know that I only embrace and know you in my heart_..." the voice sang, while Jongin allowed a fresh wave of tears to wash over his heart.

" _You know that you are the only one I have. Like the day you became my heaven and I held you and we laughed and cried, let us love like that again_..." the person continued, voice cracking and struggling to stay strong, but never letting up. 

Jongin leaned further onto the glass, leaned further into the voice, but he couldn't bring himself to open the door. Not yet, he was not ready to let anyone in. When Moonkyu left, Jongin vowed to close the door and lock it behind him. But the voice continued singing until they both fall asleep, back to back, against the now warm door. 

 Jongin woke to a stiff back and sharp pain in his neck and shoulder blade. He lifted himself up from the cold dance floor, heaving himself up against the door. Memories of the night before flooded his memory, and he looked at the frosty door, noticing that the shadow was no longer there. Jongin's heart clinched, but he willed himself not feel anything. He stretched, walking over to the window.

The rain had let up, but not quite, so Jongin mourned a little more. He spent the day pacing the dance floor, ignoring phone calls, and curling up on the couch. He documented his feelings in the journal, his only way of communicating with someone other than himself. He just couldn't gather the strength to return to trainee life. It wouldn't be the same without Moonkyu, and Jongin didn't like change.

He debated leaving the company, a million thoughts going through his head, such as his parent's reaction, their faces, as he threw their support back in their face as he walked back through the door. He pictured all of the instructors, staff, and coaches' faces he had given his soul to the past three years as he walked away. He pictured his future, black, empty, and unknown, but what did he know anymore?

Jongin also imagined Kyungsoo and the lack there of in his life if he left, but then he realized that he and Kyungsoo would inhabit different spheres of the same world once they debuted anyway, and his heart wavered once more.

It was nearing sundown, and Jongin was hungry, but he wanted to punish himself a little longer. He wanted to punish himself for not being prepared, for not being able to stop that from happening, for not being strong enough to pick himself up off of the cold, unyielding floor. So, he stayed there and he laid there hoping that he would fade away to a place he could survive.

He knew he was being melodramatic again, but he didn’t care. He had never been able to show any kind of emotion since he was 13. Let him have his moment.

_Moonkyu, I can't live like this too. If you can't, how can you expect me too as well? You know me better than anyone else or at least I thought you did. Can't you let me follow you once more down the same path you are taking? I promise I won't get in your way. I promise not to hold you back..._

Jongin was startled out of his thoughts by a few raps on the frosted glass door. His heart leapt, lurching toward the door, hoping to transcend the barrier between them, but he stopped himself from moving forward. He heard small sniffles outside the door and the sound of a body sliding against the glass.

"Jongin, why are you doing this to yourself?" the faint, thin voice asked outside the door."You don't have to open the door if you don't want to, Jongin. I'm going to be here regardless, but please, if you could just come to the door... At least come to the door. Let me know you're okay."

Jongin allowed tears he didn't know he had left run over red rimmed eyes. He crawled over to the door, sitting up against it, his cold shoulder touching the cold hard glass, his head lightly resting against it.

_Let me have my moment._

The figure mirrored his position, putting a small, thin hand up against the door. Jongin hesitated, but he reached his bruised hand, an extension of his bruised heart, his bruised soul, and splayed it out against the glass, as the voice sung the same song from the night before.

And even though the voice cracked, and there were long pauses where he thought the voice would stopped, it always continued, and he allowed it soothe him, allowed it to lay over him like a blanket, and Jongin for the first time in weeks felt like he could find the strength to stand up.  Jongin fell asleep to the voice on the other side of the door, allowing himself to dream of a brighter day.

The next day, Jongin cracked the door open and just as the sun set, a knock sounded at the glass.

Jongin looked over, afraid, but he just sat there. The figure slowly opened the door, stepping into Jongin's safe haven, never afraid to join him in his world, no matter how far from heaven it might be. The small figure approached Jongin as if he is approaching an injured bird, one whose wings had been wounded. He set down the food that he had brought, approaching on light feet, the younger male facing away from him in the corner.

"Jongin?" the voice asked a little above a whisper.

The figure stopped approaching Jongin, sitting about two feet away from the wounded male.

"Jongin, thanks for letting me in. If you don't want to talk to me or look at me, it's okay. I'm not going to force you, but will you listen to me? There's so much I want to tell you." 

Jongin nodded his head slowly, not brave enough to turn around. He was already ashamed he had let himself be seen in this state, on such a pitiful stage.

"Thank you."

The voice talked about the weather, about the latest episode of  _Pororo_ , and the disgusting cafeteria food. Jongin didn't listen, couldn't listen, but he felt the voice, felt the voice he had come to crave every sunset. He found himself turning slightly toward the voice, wanting the sound waves to enter directly into his ear. 

"Also, you know what else?" the voice asked, scooting closer to the huddled male.

"I miss you…"

Jongin closed his eyes.

"It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself, Jongin. You're so strong, Jongin," the voice continued, echoing Moonkyu's words.

Moonkyu...

"But, if this is what you want to do, I'll still be here. You can shut me out of your heart if you want to, that I won't force you to keep open because I know it hurts, but don't shut me out of your presence, please? I'll come back for as many nights as I have to, as many nights as I want to," the smaller male said to Jongin who physically shifted away from the male, still too sensitive, his knee jerk reaction to coil away.

Jongin felt a warm hand against his back. He flinched, not having been touched since the night Moonkyu left. The hand jerked back, and Jongin regretted having flinched, but then the hand returned, rubbing wide circles against his back.

"I hope that you know you'll be okay. Whatever decision you make, whether it is to leave the company or stay, I'll support you, and I'll understand you," the voice said, pausing for a moment after.

"I'll miss you, but I'll wish the very best for you, and I want you to at least know that before you go." 

And in that moment, Jongin thought that maybe he was not too far gone, and maybe he would let himself be rescued, rescued by Kyungsoo. And so, he let go, bracing himself for the fall, but he felt Kyungsoo envelope him in an embrace, cushioning the drop. The world went black around him as he relinquished himself to the smaller male, as he handed over his broken heart, hoping maybe he could fix it. And even though he knew it was selfish to put this burden on the smaller male, he had no expectations, not anymore.

They did not exchange any words for what seemed like forever, just being in each other's presence, words failing to get through to the soul. And gradually, Jongin let himself heal, let himself be mended.

Jongin held onto the thin arm as Kyungsoo lead him out of the darkness and into the light. Kyungsoo walked him back to the dorm on the sixth floor with the broken lock. Jongin clutched Kyungsoo's arm tighter as the door opened, memories of Moonkyu and four years threatening to overtake him, but Kyungsoo allowed him to hold on for as long as he needed.

The dorm was empty, both Sehun and Chanyeol had moved out into their more permanent dorm, and so, the space felt even colder than before, and Jongin thought maybe he wasn't ready for this. Kyungsoo sensed Jongin's stiffness and looked back at the timid male.

"If you can't do it, it's okay. We can go back to the studio."

Jongin shook his head and proceeded to be lead through the small space. He was exhausted, fatigue descending upon his weary soul, and so, he allowed Kyungsoo to lead him to bed, and tuck him in. The room was eerily quiet, and Jongin didn't know if he could handle the silence, and so, he held onto Kyungsoo's arm, not willing to let him walk away, leave him with the memories that the room brings, and so, Kyungsoo sat down on the floor beside his bed.

"I promise I'll be here in the morning." Kyungsoo said, starting to sing. 

Jongin allowed his heart to dance to the sound, and he believed in Kyungsoo, allowing himself to fall asleep, really fall asleep, for the first time in a long time. Jongin awoke to the smell of food, his stomach growling at the sensation. He looked around the room. Kyungsoo was nowhere in sight, and Jongin wanted to cry because he believed Kyungsoo, but then he felt a dip in the bed.

"It's okay. I'm right here. I made you some breakfast. If you're up to it, I'd be happy if you could eat some," the small boy said with a tray of several small dishes on it in his hands.

 

"I'm sorry, Kyungsoo." Jongin said after eating as much of the meal he could stomach, his appetite not quite having returned yet.

The small male shushed him, but Jongin wanted to let him know that even if he couldn't be healed, couldn't be saved, even if his heart couldn't be salvaged, he was grateful to Kyungsoo for trying. 

"I know, Jongin. You don't have to say it."

Jongin pleaded with his cocoa color eyes, he didn't know for what, but he knew he could count on Kyungsoo to figure it out.

"But thank you."

Jongin was puzzled by the statement, looking at the smaller male with wide eyes.

"Thank you for allowing me to see this side of you. Thank you for trusting me. Do you know how I found you?" the smaller male asked.

Jongin shook his head. No one knew about his favorite studio other than Taemin and...

"Moonkyu told me. He knew you'd run if given the chance, so he asked me to chase after you, and I promised him that I'd come and bring you back. But I was so scared.  Jongin... I... I didn't know what to do..," Kyungsoo trailed off, not being able to keep at bay the tears anymore.

Jongin frowned at the sight of a broken Kyungsoo. Although Jongin hated himself for being the one to cause his tears, he couldn't help but fall a little bit more in love with the smaller male, offering a piece of his heart to fix the other's. Jongin sat up with difficulty from the bed.

"I'm...I'm sorry, Kyungsoo," Jongin tried again, berating himself for not being able to say more, wishing he were a poet and could put his heart into words of splendid wonder for him, but Kyungsoo just threw himself at Jongin.

"I'm just so glad you're okay," the smaller male said, breaking down for the first time, and Jongin let him.

Although he wasn't strong enough right then to put them both back together, he could at least try to stand strong amidst the rubble. He could at least do that for Kyungsoo.

Jongin looked down at Kyungsoo who had resigned himself to sleep on his lap. He hesitantly allowed himself to run his fingers through the other's black, silky, hair. He was so sorry. He was so sorry he took so long to see him in the dark, to feel him in the sunless world he subjected himself to.  But Jongin vowed to never surrender himself to that ever again, and that he would show only his best side to the man who deserved to see it the most.

He asked himself permission to move out of the shadows and into the sunlight. By breaking through the clouds, he vowed to dazzle like the stars in an unlit sky for one person...

> _For you, Kyungsoo, I will_
> 
> _JI_

 


	14. Thirteen

Jongin opened the familiar metal gate and walked up the worn path. He unlocked a door he had opened millions of times before, yet everything felt foreign. He took off his shoes at the entrance and walked sockless into the living room that was lit by the sun streaming in through the window. He tipped toed through the space as if he hadn't lived there for nearly 13 years, and walked up the stairs to his bedroom.

Jongin looked around his old bedroom and fell exhaustedly on his bed. It didn't feel the same, but he was stuck there for a week, as prescribed by his counselor and the company staff. He closed his eyes, trying not to think of what he had been through, what he would still have to go through, and he fell asleep on top of the covers, clothes on and all.

That night he broke the news to his family that he would be debuting for real this time. They cried because all of Jongin's hopes and dreams had become their hopes and dreams. They were happy for him even if Jongin couldn't really be happy for himself. He didn't tell them  _all that he had been through_  because he didn’t want to worry them. He told them all of the good things, all the things they wanted to hear, they expected to hear. He didn't lie, he just hid the truth, and he didn't think they'd notice anyway. 

His mother cooked all of his favorite dishes, despite his tastes having changed over the past four years, but she tried, and she didn't know, and Jongin didn't bother to correct her. His sister patted him on the head as if he was still fourteen, not realizing he was almost an adult, but he ducked and smiled as he nudged her away. His grandmother took him to the market to show him off, and he heard his eldest sister on the phone bragging about her talented little brother. His father showed his pride in the silence they shared, and when the novelty rubbed off, they went back to their own little lives, lives that Jongin wasn't apart of because he hadn't been there.

Home didn't seem much like home anymore. So, Jongin thought about the future, EXO, and about Kyungsoo. He didn't have the journal, but he wrote every single night on loose leaf about his thoughts and the world he lived in. He wished he could show Kyungsoo his home, his favorite hiding spots as a child, and have his mother show his embarrassing baby photos against his will. He wished for it all, even though he knew none of wishes would ever really come true. 

Jongin's nights were filled with Kyungsoo as he dreamt of him in open spaces, in fields of tall grass, among wonderful places, and it was such a beautiful tragedy in that he handed himself, his heart, over unknowingly, so innocently.

On the final night, his family crowded around him, his suitcases packed, and they give him words of encouragement, just like the very first time he left. His mother packed him several dishes of food, his sisters made him promise that he'll behave, and his father watched on from afar. Jongin didn't cry that time, not like when he was thirteen, and he boarded the bus without a second glance because he was going home, his second home. 

 

Jongin walked out of the elevator on the sixth floor and put the key in the door, and it opened on the very first try. They must have finally fixed it. He walked into the common room, empty except for the same couch and television, but no game systems, no clothes, no dishes or empty ramyun containers on the counter.  He put the food his mother gave him away and dragged his luggage to the bedroom, flopping down on his bed, the only bed with bedding on it.

Jongin wasn’t ready to leave the dorm yet, but he knew he had to. He curled over on his side, drawing trifle images on the white wall beside his head. He heard a beep from his cell phone, and he fished the device out of his pocket. It was a text from Kyungsoo asking if he could come over. Jongin smiled and promptly texted a reply. 

Sometime later he heard a knock at the door. He got up, stretching his long limbs as a smile revealed pearly, white teeth. He walked down the lit hallway and opened the door to reveal Kyungsoo, and at the sight, Jongin knew he was finally home.

They spent the night talking about anything and everything, such as the possibility of what would happen if Jongin lost one of his legs or Kyungsoo lost his voice, or what would the other do in each other's body if their souls switched for a day. They laughed at the absurdities, and Jongin's heart clinched because he knew that this wouldn't last forever, but he smiled at the younger male because it was the least he could. If this be the only time he could smile, let it be in front of Kyungsoo, he thought.

They fell asleep in the early part of the morning, when the sun was still wiping the sleep from its own eyes, and they woke during the hottest part of the day. Jongin woke first, watching the smaller male sleep, and he longed for something he wasn't even sure. He didn't know what love was.

He walked over to the desk and took out the journal and sketched the smaller male's profile as he slept, head flush against the lush white pillow, the slack in his jaw, his eyelashes that rested delicately along soft skin, even the slight part of his light pink lips, and although Jongin knew he shouldn't yearn for things he couldn't have, he couldn't help it. 

 

> _I'm finally home._
> 
> _JI_

And before he knew it, Jongin was swept off to a flurry of choreography classes, vocal recordings, and Kyungsoo remained only in his journal and thoughts. He got to know his new band mates, and the life of a trainee seemed as if it would all pay off very soon. He had been practicing his Chinese and the company had even given him a Chinese stage name, Kai.

Jongin tried to distract himself with debut preparations, but his mind always traveled back to Kyungsoo. He tried to tell himself that Kyungsoo was no different than any other friend, but his heart refused to fall for the sleight of hand. How could he lie when Kyungsoo saved him from himself? His center of gravity was now that of the smaller male. His thoughts were always drawn back to Kyungsoo.

Jongin found out the hard way that distance made the heart grow fonder. He missed the times when he could just be near the smaller male. The first few months apart were torture on his soul, as he wrote entry upon entry about the times they used to share. His group mates detected his aloofness, not quite understanding that the boy was in love, but they tried their best to give the semblance of a group since they were all working toward the same dream.

And Jongin went through the motions of being in love without realizing he was in love. He tried harder and harder to distance himself from the smaller male, to try and not want too much, lean too much, love too much and he didn't know why he couldn't put Kyungsoo down, why he couldn't walk alone for a while.

It seemed like the more he pushed him away, the closer he felt. He saw Kyungsoo in every hour, every dance, in every song, and he knew he was falling, and he was scared because he hadn't fallen like that before, where the bruises were on the inside, not the outside. Jongin didn't know anymore.

And when Jongin didn't know, he went and did what he knew and that was to dance. He danced away thoughts of Kyungsoo, and he comforted his restless heart the only way he could. By lying to himself.  And it worked. He became closer to some of his band mates, and he crowded out the thought of Kyungsoo with other people, and he didn't feel as heavy anymore. But then one night, Kyungsoo knocked on his studio door, and one look at the male had Jongin's world crashing down. He let the smaller male back into that place in his heart he only pretended wasn't there anymore, and months of pushing him away was ruined in a single tug of the smaller male toward him.

"It hurts, Jongin. I can't...," the smaller male said, tears in his eyes.

Jongin's heart ached for the smaller male, but he wasn’t sure what to do.

"They keep pushing me, and I don't know if...," Kyungsoo broke off, his voice hoarse, as he turned away from Jongin, his hunched shoulders making him look smaller than ever.

Jongin berated himself for not knowing, not seeing, that Kyungsoo had been struggling himself. He closed in on the smaller male, hoping his presence was enough, words failing him.

"They say it's vocal cord nodules... I… I want to go home, Jongin." Kyungsoo said, eyes wide, stance a bit more defiant, as he turned back to face Jongin. 

And in that moment Jongin fell to pieces because he didn't think he could fight anymore wars. Jongin thought Kyungsoo would be the last person to do something like this to him, so he dropped his hand from Kyungsoo's arm and closed himself off. For good.

"Leave then," he said, as he turned away from the smaller male. "Get Out!" he yelled as the smaller male continued to stand there.

And he wanted to cry  _stay_ , and he wanted to be there for Kyungsoo, but he was tired of getting back up after being knocked down. He was tired of letting people in only for them to walk out.

"I should have known..." the smaller male said back, voice faint, chuckling to himself.

"Whatever, Jongin," he continued, walking past the turned male.

"I'm tired of being a replacement for Moonkyu anyway."  

And with that, Jongin dropped his heart with the slamming of the door.

That night, Jongin found himself in the back of some seedy club in Seoul, looking for a heart doctor in all the worst places. He wasn’t old enough to drink, but he put on a smirk for the bartender, and she was all his. He knocked back the bitter liquid, the burn in his throat blotting out the pain in his chest and head.

Walking out to the dance floor, Jongin easily losing himself to the loud music, the bass matching the pounding of his heart. He saw a girl with pale skin, big, black, round eyes, and pink lips, and he was so sure she could fix his broken heart. The girl whispered in his ear that she could do anything he wanted her to do, so he followed her to the motel next door, and gave her what was left of his heart.

Jongin woke up in agony, memories of the night before tormenting him. He cried alongside the porcelain toilet as he tried to purge himself of the mistake he made yesterday. He rested his head upon the cool earthenware, undeserving of the relief it brought his hung over brain.  He ran out of the motel, hiding underneath his black hoodie, and he stayed in the dorm shower until the water had long gone cold and his skin raw from friction, still not feeling clean enough.

Jongin got out of the shower and looked in the mirror, not recognizing the face looking back at him. _Who is he_ , Jongin wondered as he took in his reflection. Later that day, he wrote an apology to Kyungsoo in his journal, too afraid to try and contact the male, too prideful to take his actions back. And he ran his hand down the page as if that would comfort their hurt feelings and make up for life's cruel dealings. A tear adorned the bottom of the page as he realized he had lost before he even got a chance.

Jongin didn't hear from Kyungsoo, and he found out from someone else that Kyungsoo went home. Jongin didn't cry. He didn't do anything, his emotions numb. He went on as if he never even knew Kyungsoo, self-medicating through self-induced amnesia. And he felt like he would be okay, and for a few months he was okay. 

Jongin learned how to take a few steps by himself. He learned how to talk to other people without giving them his soul or withholding it entirely. He learned how to smile all on his own. Well, that was until he caught a glimpse of a petite, doe eye'd boy as the elevators closed in front his face. Jongin felt as if he had been paralyzed, going from feeling nothing to feeling everything in the blink of an eye ,and he fell against the cool, metal railing in the back of the elevator as his heart lurched toward the glimpse of the figure he could recognize with his eyes closed. 

And it was on that fateful day in autumn, as the leaves fluttered outside the window, that Jongin learned that he was being switched from EXO-M to EXO-K, the final line-up: Joonmyeon, Chanyeol, Sehun, Baekhyun, Jongin, and

 

> _Kyungsoo,_

The name like shattered glass on a marble floor, shards aimed right for his heart. Everything he had pushed down came surging forth from the depths of his being, and Jongin knew, in that exact moment, that he had lost his heart to his very first love. 

 


	15. Fourteen

Jongin figured that it would be a good idea if he contacted Kyungsoo before they had to work together. His heart pounded as he selected the familiar nick-name 'Shorty' from his cell-phone. Although he spent hours writing about Kyungsoo in his journal, Jongin hesitated before the electronic device, at a loss as to what he should say. He watched the cursor blink on a blank text message page, but just when he felt like he was going to go for it, his phone vibrated in his hand as a text message came in.

It was from Kyungsoo, and Jongin didn't know if he should open it. He rolled around on his small bed in a state between anxiety and excitement. When he was done internally flailing, he decided to open the text.

_We need to talk. Roof at 6?_

Jongin didn't know what he expected, but he frowned at the terse text, replying with a passive aggressive  _k…_  in response. Jongin wanted to prepare what he wanted to say to Kyungsoo, but if Jongin had learned anything since he met the man, it was that he couldn't predict what would come out of his own mouth, his own heart, when he was in the smaller male's presence, when he looked into his unreadable, ebony colored eyes. 

Jongin had four hours before his talk with Kyungsoo, so he went to the dance studio. Since he wasn't technically a trainee anymore, he couldn't go to his favorite dance studio on the fourth floor. So, he mechanically walked to the dance studio in the main company building, its lights too bright and walls too white.  He practiced some of the choreography for their upcoming debut. They had a lot of work to do since the lineup had changed and new members added. When he was done, it was 5:30p.m., just enough time to go back to the dorms, shower, and meet Kyungsoo.

He allowed the current of water to wash away all nagging thoughts of the talk, lest his heart short circuit from the constant up and down of his feelings. He washed away all of the hurt, the misunderstanding, the selfishness, and watched it swirl down the drain below. Jongin dried himself off, feeling a tad bit lighter in the heart, and he dressed slowly. It was just Kyungsoo. He hoped. As he locked the door behind him and made his way to the stairwell, Jongin hoped he could keep himself together in front of Kyungsoo. With each step, his heartbeat increased a little more until he was a trembling mess before the metal door.

He pushed it open with a deep breath and made his way across the deserted place, spotting the small male looking out toward a darkened Seoul. For a moment, he didn't know if he could do it. He stuttered in his footsteps and debated turning back, but then there was a pair of soot colored eyes on him, and his legs refused to move backward.

Jongin didn't wave nor did he smile. He put his head down as he walked toward the smaller male, ashamed of his own cowardice. He stood next to the male, the history of silence between them, and Jongin faltered. Although he didn't prepare anything to say, he also didn't plan to stay silent, but the words were lost under the sea of butterflies in his stomach, and he couldn't manage to say anything at all. 

"Jongin...," the smaller male said, still looking out toward the cityscape. "Jongin, look at me," he continued, now facing Jongin.

Jongin didn't know if he could. He had so much bottled inside that he was not sure if he could hold it all in anymore, but he did as he was told because it was Kyungsoo, and for Kyungsoo, he would do anything.

"What am I to you?" the doe eye'd male asked, searching Jongin's face, his soul, with those night colored eyes.

Jongin wavered at the question, not sure what to say. He didn't know what Kyungsoo was to him anymore, his head telling him one thing and his heart another. 

"You're someone that is really special to me." Jongin managed to say, attempting to look right into the other male's eyes.

He didn't lie, he just didn't tell the whole truth and although it hurt, he knew it was for the best.

"You're someone that I love being around, and I see you as one of my best friends."

Jongin died a little at the half truths. More sincere words attempted to bubble up inside, but he managed to push them down.  Kyungsoo stared at the smaller male with an unreadable expression, and Jongin shifted under the intense gaze.

"You know you hurt me that night in the dance studio. You hurt me when you pushed me away. I came to you for some warmth and..." the smaller male said, turning back toward the city, the light show about to begin.

"I know. I'm sorry, Kyungsoo..."

Jongin kicked himself for not being eloquent enough, for not being able to express how he truly felt. The older male nodded his head, and Jongin deflated, just wanting them to be fixed, but he knew he hurt Kyungsoo, and so, he would take whatever the older male gave him.

"I trusted you, Jongin. I really did... and I even hated you for a while, you know that?" the smaller male said, looking over at Jongin who was on the verge of tears. If it weren't for the wind, he'd be crying.

"Well, I tried to hate you, Jongin. I really did. But, you know what? I couldn't let you go. There's just something about you that has me coming back to you, it's always you, Jongin." the smaller male continued, looking into Jongin's chocolate brown eyes.

Jongin didn't really know what was happening, and so, he just stared back in a near stupor wishing he was able to know where the smaller male was going with this.

"And so, I came back to the company. Not for you, but you were a part of why I came back because I looked at what you've been through, and I told myself that I could be strong like you," Kyungsoo continued, moving closer to the dazed male.

"And..."

Kyungsoo brought Jongin into a tight embrace.

"I missed you. I missed you so much despite everything and you know what? Some things have to fall apart before they can be put properly back together... to be  _brought_ back together, again, and I want us to be friends again Jongin. I really do," the smaller male said against his shoulder.

Jongin felt horrible. He felt horrible for making Kyungsoo go through all of that. He felt horrible that he wasn't there with him through it, so he wrapped his arms around the smaller male and promised to be there. He promised to always be there when he needed him, even if he was afraid, even if he didn't know if he'd make it through. He promised to be a friend to Kyungsoo.

> _Thank you, Kyungsoo_
> 
> _Ji_

And in that moment, they found each other within each other's darkness, and they created a light that wasn't there before, and although Jongin knew it wouldn't be exactly the same as before, he knew he had a warm place to call home again, and he was so grateful for that.  They stayed in each other's arms for a bit longer before they pulled apart, foreheads resting upon one another's, their breath mingling in the frigid, winter air. Kyungsoo broke into a smile, effectively taking Jongin's breath away once more.

"We are so weird...," the smaller male said, breaking apart from Jongin, turning about on the roof, swinging his arms.

Jongin smiled at Kyungsoo who looked like a little child atop the rooftop, the wind embracing the smaller male, and he hoped that they would be okay, that he would be okay. He crossed his arms, cursing his lack of ability to dress properly for the weather, and looked on at Kyungsoo in pure awe, ignoring the discomfort and chill in his heart. If he were to become like anyone other than himself, he had hope that he'd be just like Kyungsoo.

> _You're amazing_
> 
> _JI_

Jongin returned back to the EXO-M dorm because he hadn’t moved in with the EXO-K members. Everyone was a bit irritable considering the lineup changes, but they insisted on going out to eat for the last time, as they were now  _Ex_ -O-M members. Jongin laughed at Yixing's cleverness, and he realized it was the first time he had laughed in months. 

Jongin woke up to Luhan and Minseok playing some video game, and he groaned at the disturbance despite the small smile on his face. He snuggled back down into the covers, not yet ready to get up yet. He thought about yesterday, about Kyungsoo, and for the first time in a long time, he thought he could breathe again. Jongin decided to go ahead to school alone, not waiting for Sehun.

He entered the convenience store, the lady at the counter facing the door as if she had been waiting for him.

"Jongin- _ah_! You're coming to visit in the morning, hmm!?"

Jongin smiled at the lady, making his way to the counter.

"Here, have some tea before you go off to school, hmm!? Ah, that jacket is no good for the winter weather, you know that?" the lady fussed as she poured him a hot cup of green tea. 

Jongin took the tea, looking at the green-ish clear liquid. He wondered how he had failed to get used to its bitterness, every time was just like the first time. He sipped the liquid, savoring its pungency as it flowed down his throat. The convenience store lady turned to her television, a comfortable silence enveloping them both. Jongin finished the tea, and turned to grab a few snacks from the store's shelves, spotting that the light in the back was flickering again. He vowed to come back and fix it. The convenience store lady eyed his purchases as he approached the counter.

"Enjoy it while you're young, hmm!?" 

Jongin, surprised at the lady's remark, chuckled as she bagged his items.

"You're going to come back and give me your autograph when you get famous, right? Kyungsoo too, hmmm!?" the lady questioned as she handed over his bag. It was heavier than he expected. 

He nodded his head enthusiastically and ran out of the convenience store, now a bit late. He opened the black bag, seeing that she snuck in a container of kimchi with a slip on top, a recipe. Jongin slowed as he eyed the recipe, eyes blurring as the realization hit that things wouldn't be the same anymore, that he was going to have to grow up now, create his own destiny, design his life all by himself.

> _Thank you for watching over me_
> 
> _JI_

After school, Jongin saw a familiar figure at the gate. It was Moonkyu. They fell in step beside each other, arms brushing.

"How are things?"

Jongin looked at his best friend and saw that his eyes were a bit brighter, smile wider. He had changed, in a good way, and Jongin could see that he was happy, for real that time.

"I've joined a new company... It's different, but it's okay."

Jongin congratulated him and filled his best friend in on what had been going on with him. Not everything, of course, but most of it. They parted as they neared the company, Moonkyu needing to take a different path. They waved, parting, and Jongin knew it was not for forever, but he ran after the other male anyway, clinging, no, embracing him from behind.

"Some things never change, do they?" his best friend said, laughing and turning around, hugging the younger male back.

> _You're right, some things will never change_
> 
> _JI_

Jongin took the elevator up to the EXO-K dorm, needing to see if his key worked before he began lugging all of his things up to his new living space. He reached the door, inserting the key into the lock, but nothing happened. He had  _de ja vu_  of four and a half years ago, and he comically looked around, expecting for this to be a prank of some sort, but then the door opened, and it was Kyungsoo, and all thoughts faded as he saw the younger male. He was home.

They spent the rest of the day lugging his items from the EXO-M dorm to the EXO-K dorm, ending with Jongin winning rock, paper, scissors, against Baekhyun. His reward: the bottom bunk. He flopped down on his new bed, a smile on his face. It was almost like before: Chanyeol being loud, Sehun's nagging, Junmyeon's silent authority, and Kungsoo, know-it-all Kyungsoo. He wasn't sure what Baekhyun was like, but Jongin was sure he would find out soon. He heard a rapt on the door, startling him from his thoughts.

"Come in."

The door opened slightly, a head of dark hair peeking inside. Jongin shifted, sitting up, waiting for the trespasser to enter.

"Are you okay? Got everything settled?" the trespasser asked, entering the room.

Jongin smiled, nodding his head. He patted the spot beside him, sighing as the bed dipped. He rested his head on the other's shoulder.

"I'm hungry. The convenience store lady gave me some Kimchi. Can you make me some Spagettchi?" Jongin asked, trying puppy dog eyes on the older male.

"What a way to ruin the moment, Jongin" Kyungsoo replied, nudging the smaller boy off of him.

Jongin smiled at his own brattiness, brattiness he could only show to Kyungsoo, which earned him a punch to the shoulder.

"Every time I think you're going to say something touching, you disappoint me." Kyungsoo said, making a move to stand. 

Jongin tugged on the older male's sweater. Kyungsoo looked back down at the tanned male and grabbed his chin with his delicate fingers.

"But I wouldn't have you any other way" he said, pushing Jongin's head away playfully.

Jongin fell to the bed dramatically, and he received a chuckle from Kyungsoo.

"One spagettchi coming up!" Kyungsoo said, walking out the door, leaving it ajar.

> _You’re beautiful inside and out_
> 
> _JI_

Jongin remained lying on the bed. If he could just stay in this moment, he thought. If things could just stay like that then he'd be okay. Jongin thought about how he used to only live his life rushing forward, waiting for a tomorrow that wasn't guaranteed. He remembered how the present was never good enough but right now, it was the only moment he wanted to live in. He heard Kyungsoo calling from the kitchen, a lilt in his voice.

Jongin picked himself up, picked his heart up from the ground and walked toward the open door. He had learned so much, he was grateful for so much, and he walked down the brightly lit hallway, the smell of kimchi and tomato in the air. He spotted the smaller male at the stove, and Jongin waited to be noticed, admiring the male from behind.

"Don't just stand there. Aren't you hungry?" 

> _Thank you for allowing me to create these unforgettable moments with you_
> 
> _JI_
> 
>  


	16. Fifteen + Epilogue

The weather was stormy outside and the rain beat heavily against the thick glass window as Jongin curled up into the corner of his bed, knees up against his chest. He pulled out the leather journal, soft and comfortable from years of use. Putting the key into the lock, Jongin heard the satisfying click as the cover flopped open and page after page of words upon words appeared before him. 

He flipped through the old pages, memories flooding his mind, some good, some bad, but all were his. Jongin hesitated to flip to the next available blank page, just four more pages left, and he was afraid because he didn't think his heart could fit in such a small space, but he was going to try anyway. It’d be the last time writing in that journal, and he didn't know if he'd ever get another chance or have the heart to tell his story, his true story, so he took out a fresh pen from his nightstand and flipped to the first blank page.

Once again, Jongin hesitated, not wanting to mess this up, not wanting to write something he didn't mean, he didn't feel, but then, as if a dam had broke, he opened the door to his heart, and the words he had locked inside came rushing forth on the page, and he didn't try to stop them that time, for the last time.

> _You have become my sun during the day and my moon at night and although you helped me see so many things, the only person I really want to see is you. You've taught me how to love, you've taught me how to laugh, and because of you, I've become a better me, someone I never thought I could be._
> 
> _Little by little, you made a place for yourself in my world. You eventually stumbled upon my heart, and I unknowingly let you have every single piece of it. Although you'll never know something so dear to me belongs to you, I won’t throw my love for you away. I'll hide it in that heart, the deepest part, and maybe one day you'll find it._
> 
> _I'll always be waiting for you, beside you, behind you, and I hope that’s okay. I'll become stronger so that you can lean on me. Don’t hesitate to come to me when you need a warm place to stay. You won't have to go far; just knock on my door._
> 
> _Sometimes I may act like I don't care, but I’m just giving my heart a break because it gets hard pretending that you don’t mean the world to me. I never thought I'd lose my heart with my very first love, and I can't help but feel a little cheated. But, at the same time, I'd rather lose my heart to you than to anyone else._
> 
> _You don't know how much you mean to me, but I'll try to show you little by little how amazing you are, how much I love you, and how worth it you are to me._
> 
> _I'd love to stop here, but I can't. From now on, I am Kai, and you are D.O._
> 
> _Jongin will stay here in this journal full of words and paper. He will love you from the past. His world in black and white and you._
> 
> _Kai will live on in color, and maybe if he keeps telling himself he’s not in love with you, he'll start to believe it. I'll start to believe it. And as time passes, the scar on my heart may fade so I can pretend that it was never broken, and maybe it'll even beat as it had once before. Before you. And I'll believe everything because I'm doing this for you._
> 
> _For you, I will. I can._
> 
> _Yes, I may stumble until I get to that point, and I may give in once or twice, but I'll get over you._
> 
> _I promise. Just give me a little time because my heart still hurts when it misses you. But, I'll put myself back together again. It just takes time._
> 
> _I won't ask for anything more than this... I swear._
> 
> _I have no expectations. Just as long as you are by my side, I can throw everything else away. Even if that means how I really feel._
> 
> _Sincerely, Kai_
> 
> Jongin signed his last entry, running his hand over the ink indentations. He drew one last doodle for old time's sake and made to close the journal. He hesitated when he saw the really fancy lettering and the empty line beside it, debating if he should fill out the line. He gave in to one more whim of the heart, the last one he ever would.
> 
> _This journal belongs to:_________________

Jongin ran his hand over the inscription before closing the journal and locking it and packaging it along with the key. He hesitated to seal it shut, knowing it would be the last time he would ever see it.

Looking out of the window, Jongin saw that the rain had let up, but the thunder continued to sound. He stretched his limbs out on his small bed and set his alarm clock for 10:00p.m., and he fell into slumber for the very last time as Kim Jongin.

> _ Do Kyungsoo        _

 

* * *

 

**Epilogue**

 

It’s been two years since Jongin gave his journal to me. He made me promise not to open it for two years because he thought that was how long it would take for him to become Kai and forget about his feelings for Kyungsoo.

He said that in two years, nothing pre-debut would matter because he would be too busy with his new life. His said his world would no longer revolve around Kyungsoo. I'm not convinced yet.

I obeyed his wish though, allowing the un-opened package to sit in my top desk drawer.

I had asked him why he didn't want to keep the journal or have it destroyed. He told me that if he could touch just one other person with his story, if he could prevent one heart from breaking, everything would have been worth it.

I've been studying trainee and idol behavior for many years, and Jongin is the first to have relinquished himself completely love and continue on to debut. He knew the consequences for it, but he did it.

He painstakingly recorded every bump and bruise along the way, and I wonder how he believes he can forget it all. He may have fooled the world, but he can’t fool himself.

I met with Jongin over the course of two years, learning the ins and outs of his brain and his heart. He is the ideal idol. He sacrificed himself for his dreams. That’s all the company asks for.

As an employee in the company, I support his decision. As a human being, however, I know it must hurt longing for the touch of the person who is so near but so far away.

I wouldn’t say pity Jongin. He might be young, but he is wiser than he lets on. He still has a lot to learn, but in his hearts of hearts, he knew things couldn't be any other way. It was a price he would pay again and again for Kyungsoo’s sake.

So, I thank him for sharing his life and story with me, allowing me to see into a trainee who has fallen in love.

In return, I've attempted to share his story with all of you so that you won’t walk down the same path as innocently as Jongin had.

As for Kyungsoo, I don’t have his journal. Not all terminal trainees are given journals. I only know about Jongin's, and now that I've shared it with you, all I can do is keep his journal safe, pure, and untouched for Kyungsoo.

Sincerely, Kai: A Case Study 

#11412

Dr. Choi Hyunbin, Ph.D.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading Sincerely, Kai. I hope, despite its failings, that it was an enjoyable read for you. If you'd like to read the optional sequel please visit my series 'Letter's From the Heart'! If you're really curious, you can also read Kyungsoo's point-of-view to this story. It pale's in comparison to Sincerely, Kai, but it's there if you want to check it out as well!
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts, so don't be afraid to share them with me. 
> 
> love, appeuro


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